Really offended a friend. Would this upset you?

[Eastie77Returns]

Arranging where to go to dinner on a group chat with 3 friends and came up with a shortlist of restaurants. One friend (‘Sally’) said she could not afford any of those venues. The other 2 friends suggested some cheaper options but she said it was still too pricey as she has to factor in travel and babysitting costs for the evening. So we asked her to suggest somewhere and she came up with a pub that is honestly not somewhere I’d choose to eat (or drink for that matter) but by this time the group had been going back and forth for days so I said if everyone was in agreement we should go. We had a nice evening. The food was not very good and the pub attracts a rough crowd so not a great atmosphere but we sat in the garden and all enjoyed catching up.

My other two friends then messaged me separately and suggested that the three of go to one of the restaurants Sally had vetoed.

Can I ask if you were Sally, would you be upset or offended at this? She found out and is really hurt.

When we were originally discussing this place she looked at the menu and said it was ridiculous, she could not afford that plus the dishes looked minuscule and she gave the impression she thought the place was a rip-off.

Why would we therefore pay for her to eat in a restaurant she doesn’t like or feel comfortable in? We suggested she come up with an alternative which she did and we all went there instead. As I mentioned, it was not a nice pub at all. Security on the door and we sat outside as there was an unpleasant atmosphere inside. I would never choose to spend an evening there but seeing Sally was more important than the venue so we all went.

It is genuinely difficult for me to fathom why it would then make sense for us to say a short time later “hey Sally, you’ve already told us you don’t like restaurant X’s menu and you can’t afford it, plus we know you’d find it impossible to travel to [city where restaurant is] and pay for another round of babysitting but we thought we’d ask you yet again if you’d like to come to said restaurant next week?”

You could have said "look, Sally we're all off to that place you vetoed before, because we really want to try the menu. I know it's not your cup of tea at the mo, so no pressure to come, but just wanted to give you a heads up, but we'll catch up at the BBQ"

Well you’re drip feeding because you never said any of that at the start.

it’s still good to give her the heads up, it was mean to keep it secret more than anything.

For fuck's sake, "mean"? Why are people so infantilised? Can't people just be adults any more and just deal with stuff?

I would in theory be offended if I was Sally, but the scenario wouldn't arise as I wouldn't have been so pushy about where to go. She could have gone to the middle restaurants and told everyone she would just pay for 1 course, or arrange to arrive a little after everyone and just have a drink. My friend used to do this, it made us awkward but she said it was better than not going.

Ok, replace the word with “unkind” or “shite” delete as applicable

Sally was more important than the venue so we all went.

But she is not important enough to give her the opportunity to politely decline.

Martyrdom is not a good look.

She'd already declined, asking again would have been annoying to her.

It's an awkward situation OP. I'd message and just emphasise you wanted to go to the restaurant and you knew she didn't want to so didn't want to pressure her, but it wasn't intentionally leaving her out. Maybe offer to meet her for coffee 1 on 1 if she's feeling awkward/hurt/embarrassed.

You didn’t have to ask her again on the group since she’d made it clear she wasn’t able to but at least mention it on the group chat that the 3 of you are srill going to go. Like I said before, for me personally it would be the secrecy around it that would have hurt me more.

It wasn’t intended to be a big secret. My friend posted a picture of us on online because it didn’t occur to her Sally would be upset.

We are in our 40s and we each have separate groups of friends we do different things with. Within the context of our group of four sometimes a couple of us do something together without the other two. It’s never (usually) a big deal.

I wouldn’t bat an eyelid if Sally posted pics of a night out with the other two at a venue I had explicitly said I did not want to or could not visit. I certainly wouldn’t expect any of them to clear it with me first when I’d already told them I didn’t want to go.

I think, as Sally had already said it was out of her budget, then fine for others to go - especially as the group had already accommodated Sally's budget. Probably best to have given her the option again, but, that runs the risk of making her feel shit as she is having to say, again, that it's out of budget. I'd never form the view that my group only went to cheapys that I could afford. That's ridiculous. Also, it's ok to go to pricier places only when it's in Sally's budget...... hmmmmm..... no. As your group has done, a mixture is reasonable

I'm the "poor one" in our group of close friends so, although they always kindly invite me to stuff, I often have to decline. I certainly don't begrudge them going! They know my situation and understand that I can't always join them. I know ideally they would want me there and they're have been a couple of occasions where they've helped me out as want my company above all else eg discreetly telling me they'll pay for my ticket or drinks or meal etc
We're a group of 5 and not everyone can always make every gathering so it's not unusual to just go out in a 2, 3 or 4 and no one minds. We are grown women in our 40s. Sally might be a tad hurt but I think she is bu to say anything.

I think the OP can't win. Sally would have said the same things about not being able tongo etc anyway.

It's Sally who has interpreted the situation as some big secret leaving her out, but to the rest of the group, they saw no point in inviting her again because Sally has already told them what she thinks of the place they wanted to go.

I can see from Sally's point of view why she's annoyed, but as a grown women, she should also understand why they didn't ask her.

They're women in their 40s fo goodness sake. They're free to meet up with whoever without being accused of "being mean".

Why would we therefore pay for her to eat in a restaurant she doesn’t like or feel comfortable in?
All those suggesting the others pay for Sally.... does she get a budget? Or is it 'have what you want and we'll cover' that makes it a bit more awkward...

I agree Sally's out of order. If she's not usually this precious - you've said she isn't - I'd assume she's embarrassed or feels shame about being unable to keep up with you financially. This definitely happened to me, no matter how much I talked sense to myself! Shame really distorts your perceptions.

I liked the PP's suggestion upthread of an offhand apology for "crossed wires" this time, followed by a low-budget meet-up suggestion.

Sally might not actually get over it but do give her a chance. If she carries on feeling excluded and resentful, you might have to back off. It would be a pity, though, and I hope the situation's easily repaired.

Real friends would have invited her offered to pay towards her food so she can join you. Shitty friends excluded her due to her earning and budget constraints, you sound a bit like snobs. I hope she finds more genuine friends, who can support her.

But op said Sally also didn't want to to go full stop, didn't like the restaurant setting or menu?

A lot of people say things like that when they’re embarrassed about not being able to afford something.

I feel awful for Sally here - fair enough that you all want to go, but to plan it behind her back then post about it on social media is really unpleasant and smacks of teenage bullying.

If Sally was the one posting here I'd be gently asking her why did she think her friends felt it necessary to try and keep it secret? How would she have reacted if told openly?

The OP actually knows this person and I have some sympathy if they were genuinely concerned about their reaction.

Do you have a wider circle that would possibly comment on her non attendance at the subsequent night out? She may feel embarrassed as the pictures were posted but that is on her.
It would have been better to say you were going ahead with the other restaurant. No long discussion, just a courtesy to let her know. If she went back to the same reasons for not wanting to go, just 'that's ok, we understand' and close it down.

I think the hurt is because she would have liked to meet with you all as a group again but not go to that particular restaurant. I think a note to say you would be doing that’s may have been better eg we really want to try this restaurant so we are gonna go but will arrange another meet up at a location you wanna go soon?

What never go to nice places because one friend can’t afford it. Who doe that help?

I’d agree with what you did - you’d already had to veto the expensive place so I’d assume if she couldn’t afford it then, she couldn’t afford it now. To ask again is like rubbing her nose in it surely.

If she did go and only had a starter and water or similar it would - I’m sorry to say - totally spoil the evening for everyone else.

Sally is being ridiculous. She doesn’t get to be in charge of where her friends go or what they do. You are all grown women who are allowed to pick nice restaurants if you want.

Just apologi see e. Say you didn't mean to leave her out but she had made it very clear she didn't want to go and the rest of you do.