Really offended a friend. Would this upset you?

[Eastie77Returns]

Arranging where to go to dinner on a group chat with 3 friends and came up with a shortlist of restaurants. One friend (‘Sally’) said she could not afford any of those venues. The other 2 friends suggested some cheaper options but she said it was still too pricey as she has to factor in travel and babysitting costs for the evening. So we asked her to suggest somewhere and she came up with a pub that is honestly not somewhere I’d choose to eat (or drink for that matter) but by this time the group had been going back and forth for days so I said if everyone was in agreement we should go. We had a nice evening. The food was not very good and the pub attracts a rough crowd so not a great atmosphere but we sat in the garden and all enjoyed catching up.

My other two friends then messaged me separately and suggested that the three of go to one of the restaurants Sally had vetoed.

Can I ask if you were Sally, would you be upset or offended at this? She found out and is really hurt.

Or give her time to save up , give some notice next time you want to go somewhere pricey. If you were desperate to go maybe worth taking people unrelated to the friendship group.

poor Sally

I can see both sides here
Posters saying they should’ve asked her again , well what happens if she still says “no I can’t afford it/I think it’s a waste of money” ? They’re back where they started. So the only acceptable option is to just not go

I think best option would be to ask if it was possible to go in say, July/august, give her time to save up. If she still says she wouldn’t want to go anyway, she doesn’t like it, let her know the others fancy going anyway. Lying is just rubbish.

I might have been upset in Sally's position but I'd have known I was being unreasonable. You made a special effort to go somewhere Sally could afford, and you are not obliged to include every person in every outing. In retrospect it would have been better after arranging the second evening, to tell her you were going and say you'd like her to come if she could manage it, but understand if it's not her thing.

Nobody lied.

Oh ffs, save up - saying something is too expensive doesn't mean you don't have the cash in your bank account to pay for it - it means that you don't think its something you should spend that amount of money on. I wouldn't spend £100 on a bottle of wine; that doesn't mean I don't have £100.

I can understand how it happened and I don’t think you and the others were particularly bad. However, for me going out is about being with friends not the particular restaurant. I can go to nice restaurants with my husband.

Some friends have more money, some have less. We tend to meet up and have a good gossip at a cheap pub or buffet. It’s great.

I think it would have been hurtful to see that you had all gone out without her. Though anyone posting anything on ‘insta’, I assume you are all quite young so she will probably get over it quick.

Her friend said she couldn’t afford it because she had to factor in payment for babysitters and travel

I do think giving notice especially if it’s expensive (OP hasn’t said where it is) is a nice idea

If it was a group of ten, fine. In a group of four, missing out 1/4 sends an entirely different message. It wasn't sensitive. It was quite cowardly to avoid conflict.

She didn't have to love the fact that she's got less cash for now, or that she can't join you this time, or that you wanted to hold firm in going somewhere expensive. But you shouldn't have sneaked around that way.

You should have invited Sally, if she can't join, she can't join, and all gone somewhere modest next time.

ok, going behind her back and not telling the truth is not good, if we are going to be pedantic

It's understandable she's upset but it's not fair if you all can't go to places you like because of her budget,

You should have invited Sally

They had invited Sally! She didn't want to go.

I can go to nice restaurants with my husband.

Not everyone has a husband. Who can they go to nice restaurants with?

She wasn’t able to afford it

So just privately message her now & apologise, say you didn’t mean to exclude her , that you just didn’t want to be putting her on the spot , asking her to a restaurant she already said wasn’t In her budget , that it wasn’t intentional to hurt her feelings , but you realise now it wasn’t the right thing to do , not saying it to her .. just say sorry 🤷🏻‍♀️
Suggest another meet up that suits everyone & won’t break the bank , weather is fab , as another pp has said , picnic somewhere nice or pizza & drinks at whoevers house 🤗

No, she said she couldnt afford the cheaper options they suggested for those reasons.

If you have to "save up" (which to me is a thing small children do) to go to a restaurant, you can't afford to go to that restaurant.

Or, you know, tell her to fuck off and grow up. Depends on how much the OP cares.

What a shame you look down on adults who put money aside every payday to save up for something nice. Does that mean people who can’t afford stuff should just miss out altogether forever?

some restaurants cause hundreds, I know I have put money aside every month/ sold stuff on vinted to help pay for posh meals/afternoon teas.

there is nothing shameful about saving up for treats

I'll go, if they are paying.

I'll go, if they are paying.

I'll come with you. 😁

Going to the place was not shitty. Trying to do it in secret was.

You didn't need to do it in the group chat but one of you could have dropped her a line and said that you know money is tight, but you'd all like her there if she could manage it.

Money is obviously a sore subject for her. You should bare that in mind. That doesn't mean you have to let her money issues dictate your social life, but it costs nothing to be considerate.

I think the way she found out makes it bad in a way. It must have felt like you deliberately kept it from her then slipped up.

If I was Sally I wouldn't mind about the meal, but I would mind that you all kept it from me.

I guess it doeß depend how frequently you all usually chat. Are you the kids of friends who generally message daily, say what you are up to that evening etc?

I would have said that we were going and insisted on contributing to her bill if she couldn’t afford it and wanted to go. I’m sure she would decline and then she cannot be offended if you go without her.

She sounds a bit annoying to be honest but maybe just apologise for not telling her and explain that it was because she had made it clear she didn’t want to go there.

No, that's ridiculous. Do you think a group of men would have this problem? More and more I see some women on here acting like because we are women we should act like we are in high school forever and conform to this social code where we have to always invite everyone to everything and pander to everyone else. She didn't like the place and you wanted to go. She needs to put her big girl pants on. Does she want you to just never go to that restaurant because she doesn't like it?

That makes things complicated and unbalanced. No need too pay for anyone else, just be open about inviting everyone in a group this size. If one can't come that's ok

It is difficult when you have different budgets and she has travel and childcare too but you accommodated this and went somewhere she chose.
It so9unds she is upset that you met up without her and she found out on social media when it wasn't about not seeing but you 3 still wanted to try a place she said she couldn't afford.