Page 13 | Really offended a friend. Would this upset you?

Eastie77Returns · 2025-05-17T15:33:24+00:00

Arranging where to go to dinner on a group chat with 3 friends and came up with a shortlist of restaurants. One friend (‘Sally’) said she could not afford any of those venues. The other 2 friends suggested some cheaper options but she said it was still too pricey as she has to factor in travel and babysitting costs for the evening. So we asked her to suggest somewhere and she came up with a pub that is honestly not somewhere I’d choose to eat (or drink for that matter) but by this time the group had been going back and forth for days so I said if everyone was in agreement we should go. We had a nice evening. The food was not very good and the pub attracts a rough crowd so not a great atmosphere but we sat in the garden and all enjoyed catching up. My other two friends then messaged me separately and suggested that the three of go to one of the restaurants Sally had vetoed. Can I ask if you were Sally, would you be upset or offended at this? She found out and is really hurt.

Tbrh · 18/05/2025 08:51

I think it was nice of you to go to the place Sally could afford. I understand that Sally is upset about you all going to the restaurant, but if she couldn't afford it then that's unfortunate. The friend who posted on SM is the problem!

MonoMono · 18/05/2025 09:03

Sally sounds like a right PITA. I think she is using this to punish you for being able to afford things she cannot. She is being butthurt to make you feel bad.

I would step away a bit tbh. You went to a rough sounding pub she chose, yet begrudges you doing something the rest of you wanted to do. She doesn't sound like much of a friend if this is how she behaves because you went to a restaurant she had no interest in. She needs to grow up.

Original poster

Eastie77Returns · 18/05/2025 09:35

faerietales · 18/05/2025 07:01

A lot of people say things like that when they’re embarrassed about not being able to afford something.

I feel awful for Sally here - fair enough that you all want to go, but to plan it behind her back then post about it on social media is really unpleasant and smacks of teenage bullying.

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With respect, I know Sally better than you. She didn’t want to go and saying so was nothing to do with covering up any embarrassment. She openly said she couldn’t afford it and rightly felt no embarrassment in saying that. But aside from that she derided the menu, said the food looked ridiculous and she would never pay that much to eat there.

It would have been silly of us to offer to pay for her when she told us she didn’t want to go. We would have been paying £££ towards a meal and drinks for someone who didn’t want to be there! So the fact she feels offended we went without telling her is honestly confusing to me but a lot of people on the thread have said they would feel the same so obvs I misjudged the situation.

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MissScarletInTheBallroom · 18/05/2025 09:53

Eastie77Returns · 18/05/2025 09:35

With respect, I know Sally better than you. She didn’t want to go and saying so was nothing to do with covering up any embarrassment. She openly said she couldn’t afford it and rightly felt no embarrassment in saying that. But aside from that she derided the menu, said the food looked ridiculous and she would never pay that much to eat there.

It would have been silly of us to offer to pay for her when she told us she didn’t want to go. We would have been paying £££ towards a meal and drinks for someone who didn’t want to be there! So the fact she feels offended we went without telling her is honestly confusing to me but a lot of people on the thread have said they would feel the same so obvs I misjudged the situation.

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You could have said something like, "Sally, the three of us still want to check out "Chez Les Riches". I know you said you can't afford it and don't want to come, would it make a difference if we subbed the cost of your meal so you can afford it? Or do you not want to eat there anyway? Because we still want to check it out and we don't want to hurt your feelings by not inviting you if it's just about the cost."

If she then said she still didn't want to come, I think it would have been reasonable to go without her.

But it's really not necessary to post on Instagram, is it? If you're leaving out one member of the group the least you can do is be discreet about it.

Missj25 · 18/05/2025 09:57

Eastie77Returns · 18/05/2025 09:35

With respect, I know Sally better than you. She didn’t want to go and saying so was nothing to do with covering up any embarrassment. She openly said she couldn’t afford it and rightly felt no embarrassment in saying that. But aside from that she derided the menu, said the food looked ridiculous and she would never pay that much to eat there.

It would have been silly of us to offer to pay for her when she told us she didn’t want to go. We would have been paying £££ towards a meal and drinks for someone who didn’t want to be there! So the fact she feels offended we went without telling her is honestly confusing to me but a lot of people on the thread have said they would feel the same so obvs I misjudged the situation.

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It was just a pity you didn’t put on chat
’Sally , we’re headed to such & such this weekend, you’re welcome to come aswel, I know it’s not your thing , but just said we’d say ‘ & there would be no faces then but
look it , it’s done now , you can’t do anything about it 🤷🏻‍♀️..

It’s a fab day today 😎
Enjoy your Sunday, Sally will get over it 😊

Original poster

Eastie77Returns · 18/05/2025 09:58

Tbrh · 18/05/2025 08:51

I think it was nice of you to go to the place Sally could afford. I understand that Sally is upset about you all going to the restaurant, but if she couldn't afford it then that's unfortunate. The friend who posted on SM is the problem!

So if two or three people in our group of four go out somewhere together, they cannot post a picture about it unless the missing friend(s) has been informed beforehand??

Some of my friends enjoy skiing, something that is literally my idea of hell. I also think it’s really expensive and just a waste of money. If they asked me to go on a ski holiday and I said no I would fully expect them to book their holiday without telling me. I wouldn’t expect them to talk about it on a group chat and repeat the invite. I’ve already said no, which according to MN lore “is a complete sentence”.

If a picture unexpectedly popped up on my SM feed of them on the slopes, I’d like the picture and feel happy they were doing something they enjoy.

What I wouldn’t do is sulk and feel offended they didn’t invite me or offer to pay for something I’ve told them I don’t want to do!!

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Easipeelerie · 18/05/2025 10:00

These sorts of people annoy me. She wants to be part of a group that socialise by eating out but then feels no qualms about making it all about her. If I was her, I’d have ducked out of the last one rather than forcing you all to go to a rough pub.

Original poster

Eastie77Returns · 18/05/2025 10:03

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 18/05/2025 09:53

You could have said something like, "Sally, the three of us still want to check out "Chez Les Riches". I know you said you can't afford it and don't want to come, would it make a difference if we subbed the cost of your meal so you can afford it? Or do you not want to eat there anyway? Because we still want to check it out and we don't want to hurt your feelings by not inviting you if it's just about the cost."

If she then said she still didn't want to come, I think it would have been reasonable to go without her.

But it's really not necessary to post on Instagram, is it? If you're leaving out one member of the group the least you can do is be discreet about it.

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I’m not on Instagram and can’t be bothered with SM at all but I think anyone has the right to post a picture of themselves enjoying a night out with friends, even if one friend has been ‘left out’.

There are countless threads about people feeling upset at seeing this, that or the other picture of their friends doing XYZ. Where does it end? Just delete the flipping app if you’re sensitive about this kind of thing.

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CaptainFuture · 18/05/2025 10:15

@Eastie77Returns now surely the ski group friends should have invited you still, and offered to pay your holiday costs.... because if they didn't.... THEY'RE JUST NOT TRUE FRIENDS!!! 😭😭 according to many on MN 😆

faerietales · 18/05/2025 10:19

What I wouldn’t do is sulk and feel offended they didn’t invite me or offer to pay for something I’ve told them I don’t want to do!!

Has it genuinely not occurred to you that the reason Sally said she didn't want to go is because she was embarrassed she couldn't afford it, rather than because she wasn't interested?

Fred22ER · 18/05/2025 10:29

CaptainFuture · 18/05/2025 10:15

@Eastie77Returns now surely the ski group friends should have invited you still, and offered to pay your holiday costs.... because if they didn't.... THEY'RE JUST NOT TRUE FRIENDS!!! 😭😭 according to many on MN 😆

Yes and they are TOTAL MEANIES to not ask again, even though you have said no before and then they had the cheek to put a picture on social media!!!

How DARE people do things that others have declined!

#bekind #besick

Original poster

Eastie77Returns · 18/05/2025 10:52

faerietales · 18/05/2025 10:19

What I wouldn’t do is sulk and feel offended they didn’t invite me or offer to pay for something I’ve told them I don’t want to do!!

Has it genuinely not occurred to you that the reason Sally said she didn't want to go is because she was embarrassed she couldn't afford it, rather than because she wasn't interested?

Once again: Sally literally said “I don’t want to go because I can’t afford it”. She wasn’t embarrassed to tell us that.

She also told she wouldn’t want to go the restaurant in any case because she didn’t like the look of the food, portion sizes etc. The place looked ridiculous.

So affordability was one part of the issue. The other was it was not her kind of restaurant. Even if she won the lottery tomorrow she wouldn’t want to go there. That’s why there was no point in us offering to pay for her.

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Missj25 · 18/05/2025 11:04

Eastie77Returns · 18/05/2025 10:52

Once again: Sally literally said “I don’t want to go because I can’t afford it”. She wasn’t embarrassed to tell us that.

She also told she wouldn’t want to go the restaurant in any case because she didn’t like the look of the food, portion sizes etc. The place looked ridiculous.

So affordability was one part of the issue. The other was it was not her kind of restaurant. Even if she won the lottery tomorrow she wouldn’t want to go there. That’s why there was no point in us offering to pay for her.

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Is Sally not talking to ye now ?

Greenkindness · 18/05/2025 11:08

It sounds like it has touched a nerve with Sally, sounds like she has some kind of insecurity about where she fits in in the group, or herself or her financial situation or something. Maybe she’s worried you’ll move on from her, if there is a disparity or she has to pay for and arrange childcare to go out where others find it easier to have a night out. I obviously don’t know all your situations, just offering a perspective.

Tbrh · 18/05/2025 11:11

Eastie77Returns · 18/05/2025 09:58

So if two or three people in our group of four go out somewhere together, they cannot post a picture about it unless the missing friend(s) has been informed beforehand??

Some of my friends enjoy skiing, something that is literally my idea of hell. I also think it’s really expensive and just a waste of money. If they asked me to go on a ski holiday and I said no I would fully expect them to book their holiday without telling me. I wouldn’t expect them to talk about it on a group chat and repeat the invite. I’ve already said no, which according to MN lore “is a complete sentence”.

If a picture unexpectedly popped up on my SM feed of them on the slopes, I’d like the picture and feel happy they were doing something they enjoy.

What I wouldn’t do is sulk and feel offended they didn’t invite me or offer to pay for something I’ve told them I don’t want to do!!

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Well obviously you can, but it is nice to consider other peoples feelings if they are your friends? I like and appreciate my friends so I dont go out of my way to hurt them. I'm assuming you'd feel a bit shit of the shoe was on the other foot? Also I don't really get how anyone above the age of maybe 23ish feels the need to post a pic of their dinner out. I think it's fine to go out to dinner and not invite her knowing she couldn't afford it.

WhatNoRaisins · 18/05/2025 11:17

The majority of us are going to know someone with less money. It's nice to include them where you can but I don't see why you have to never ever treat yourself to something only you can afford out of a sense of solidarity with their situation. What good does that do?

faerietales · 18/05/2025 11:20

Eastie77Returns · 18/05/2025 10:52

Once again: Sally literally said “I don’t want to go because I can’t afford it”. She wasn’t embarrassed to tell us that.

She also told she wouldn’t want to go the restaurant in any case because she didn’t like the look of the food, portion sizes etc. The place looked ridiculous.

So affordability was one part of the issue. The other was it was not her kind of restaurant. Even if she won the lottery tomorrow she wouldn’t want to go there. That’s why there was no point in us offering to pay for her.

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Yes, I know, but I still think you're totally missing the point.

She said she can't afford it, but she also went OTT in saying how awful it seemed - probably to convince herself she didn't want to go anyway, but also to try and persuade you not to go so she wouldn't feel so left out.

People say lots of things to try and persuade themselves they feel a certain way.

Original poster

Eastie77Returns · 18/05/2025 11:22

Tbrh · 18/05/2025 11:11

Well obviously you can, but it is nice to consider other peoples feelings if they are your friends? I like and appreciate my friends so I dont go out of my way to hurt them. I'm assuming you'd feel a bit shit of the shoe was on the other foot? Also I don't really get how anyone above the age of maybe 23ish feels the need to post a pic of their dinner out. I think it's fine to go out to dinner and not invite her knowing she couldn't afford it.

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It genuinely wouldn’t upset me in the slightest. I’m starting to think I’m unusual in that respect based on the responses here but I didn’t think grown ass 40 something year olds would get upset about this kind of thing.

I agree about posting dining ‘experiences’ on SM, have never seen the point and I do not have any SM accounts (incidentally I think 20 somethings find that kind of thing a bit passé now) But it’s a free world etc so if others want to post pics of their evening out, so be it.

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mylovedoesitgood · 18/05/2025 11:25

Clearly, you don’t think much of this ‘friend’ OP, so I can now see why you can’t empathise with her.

Greenkindness · 18/05/2025 11:25

Greenkindness · 18/05/2025 11:08

It sounds like it has touched a nerve with Sally, sounds like she has some kind of insecurity about where she fits in in the group, or herself or her financial situation or something. Maybe she’s worried you’ll move on from her, if there is a disparity or she has to pay for and arrange childcare to go out where others find it easier to have a night out. I obviously don’t know all your situations, just offering a perspective.

Edited

Can’t edit again but this should say disparity in income

Original poster

Eastie77Returns · 18/05/2025 11:26

faerietales · 18/05/2025 11:20

Yes, I know, but I still think you're totally missing the point.

She said she can't afford it, but she also went OTT in saying how awful it seemed - probably to convince herself she didn't want to go anyway, but also to try and persuade you not to go so she wouldn't feel so left out.

People say lots of things to try and persuade themselves they feel a certain way.

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What a stretch😂 I really doubt she felt the need to go to those lengths.

Per my OP, there were other places she rejected on the basis of price and she didn’t say anything negative about them. She did not like this particular restaurant. It’s just not her kind of place.

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faerietales · 18/05/2025 11:28

Eastie77Returns · 18/05/2025 11:26

What a stretch😂 I really doubt she felt the need to go to those lengths.

Per my OP, there were other places she rejected on the basis of price and she didn’t say anything negative about them. She did not like this particular restaurant. It’s just not her kind of place.

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Why did you ask if you're just going to snipe back and mock everyone who disagrees with with you?

It's not a stretch at all - I know I've tried to persuade myself that something would be shit or unpleasant when the reality was I just couldn't afford it. It's not exactly uncommon.

With regards to the other places, maybe she genuinely couldn't afford them but also wasn't bothered about not going - both things can be true.

PeapodMcgee · 18/05/2025 11:28

Eastie77Returns · 18/05/2025 11:22

It genuinely wouldn’t upset me in the slightest. I’m starting to think I’m unusual in that respect based on the responses here but I didn’t think grown ass 40 something year olds would get upset about this kind of thing.

I agree about posting dining ‘experiences’ on SM, have never seen the point and I do not have any SM accounts (incidentally I think 20 somethings find that kind of thing a bit passé now) But it’s a free world etc so if others want to post pics of their evening out, so be it.

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If Sally knew you were talking so insultingly about her on MN like this, she would know that you truly don't like her at all. You obviously don't care about her and just wanted to feel justified in your shitty superior attitude.

Original poster

Eastie77Returns · 18/05/2025 11:29

mylovedoesitgood · 18/05/2025 11:25

Clearly, you don’t think much of this ‘friend’ OP, so I can now see why you can’t empathise with her.

I think so little of her that when she suggested meeting in a rough pub, miles from where I live, for a meal I knew I wouldn’t like I turned her down flat.

Oh but wait…I didn’t. We all met and had a lovely evening.

That’s how little we think of Sally.

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Original poster

Eastie77Returns · 18/05/2025 11:30

PeapodMcgee · 18/05/2025 11:28

If Sally knew you were talking so insultingly about her on MN like this, she would know that you truly don't like her at all. You obviously don't care about her and just wanted to feel justified in your shitty superior attitude.

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😂

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