How do you honestly feel about a baby having two mums?

[Corneliusthecamel]

Hi,

Recently, a close friendship has come to an end and it’s been difficult to process. Long story short - I am a woman married to another woman and I gave birth to a baby last year who was conceived via sperm donor/fertility treatment through the NHS. We are all really happy and she is beautiful.

A good, long term friend of mine has become increasingly distant over the past couple of years. I confronted her about this recently and she admitted that she struggles with my life choices and doesn’t feel it’s right that I have chosen to bring a baby up with another woman. She feels very strongly that a baby should have a traditional mum and dad unit where possible and feels that I am wrong for choosing this path.

Anyway, the friendship is over, and I think that’s the right thing for both of us - it’s not really possible to carry on when we both have such different views and experiences of the world.

But it has made me want to ask - what are your honest opinions of two women choosing to pursue fertility treatment and having a baby? Obviously it’s my life and I’m happy so in one way, who cares. But I truly didn’t think my friend held those types of views and often, people won’t speak their true thoughts in real life, so I am curious what people truly think about it

I find it hard to think that the child automatically doesn’t have a father and has no choice in the matter.

And that the non birth Mum often, not always has no genetic connection so they’re not really having the baby together, it’s the birth Mum’s.

Two women bringing up a child in a loving home is good. It’s mainly just the first point I think about.

Two men is different. Adoption could be ok but choosing to take a newborn from its mother and denying them the right to one is not ok.

This.

How can your friend justify thinking that having a penis in the family makes for a better upbringing in some way @Corneliusthecamel?

So interesting to see everyone’s views! For someone who asked - I have a baby girl, obviously had no control over that though. I guess I think it’s important for all kids to have male and female figures in their lives in some way? Luckily I have my brother and his girlfriend down the road, plus our girl has two granddads who adore her too 😁

I have no issues with two women raising a child/children together. I think two women are just as capable of providing a loving and nurturing home as a mum/dad pairing could. I would however caveat that with the fact I also believe a child has the right to know/be involved with the donor though. I believe it’s fundamental to someone’s sense of self to know where they come from, barring any risk to the child obviously.
I know many same sex couples raising children, having come to parenthood in a variety of ways, and the children are all thriving and loved.

I think the same as if I see a traditional parent set up or two father set up or single parent.

Families come in different shapes and sizes. There is no perfect way.

Mum and Dad
Mum and Mum
Dad and Dad
Mum and Step Dad
Dad and Step Mum
No Mum and Dad but being raised by Auntie/Uncle/Sibling/Grandparents
Foster Mum
Foster Dad
Mum on her own
Dad on his own
Mum and Dad separate but co parenting

As long as it's a non abusive household....I really don't give it another thought. Every family is different. Children need care, love, food, shelter. Whatever adults are doing that it doesn't matter.

As someone who had two abusive, violent and neglectful parents I think two loving parents is an amazing thing for a child.

There are far worse choices to make when having a child than being in a relationship with another woman. Far worse.

Seems totally fine to me!

It’s funny about the genetic/birth mum thing - obviously when you’re in my situation, it’s something you dwell on a lot prior to having the baby. I worried that my wife might feel differently because she didn’t give birth, etc etc. But honestly - the bond between them is really quite incredible to watch.

Similarly… My wife said to me recently, what will we do when she’s a teenager and starts shouting ‘you’re not my real mum!!’ at her. But then I pointed out that it will probably go both ways as she will probably shout at me with teenage angst ‘I wish you weren’t my real mum!!’ 😂

OK Name changed as this will potentially be unpopular opinion.

I have absolutely no issue with a child being brought up by either two Mums or two Dads as long as they have loving stable home.

I dont believe IVF in this situation should be on the NHS - as I see it as a choice not a right.

I have big issues with familys where the mum is actually a male or the dad is actually a female.

There i said it.

I don't have an issue with parents of either sex in a same sex relationship, if they've either carried the baby themselves (via egg/sperm donation or otherwise) or adopted.

I do have a massive issue with surrogacy. Parents of any configuration who have had a baby via surrogacy I would not be able to be friends with.

It doesn't bother me in the slightest. Women are often the more maternal ones so having 2 of them raise a child, lucky kid!

I also think wow, what a journey to bring that child into the world. A colleague of mine tried for years with her wife. Several rounds of IVF and it really took its toll on her. They are such a lovely couple and would make wonderful parents. Sod what anyone else thinks.

Interestingly... i was indifferent pre children and post children i feel strongly positively disposed towards it!!!! I gave our crib away to some lesbians and I thought how lucky the baby was 😅😅😅

Equally I now have more negative feelings towards gay male couples (which i did not at all have pre pregnancy) for 2 reasons

1. The use of surrogacy which i am vehemently against in most circs
2. My experience of husbands as parents. ALL of them "required training". Even when i think of the 2 x best fathers )and all of the fathers i know would be classified as better than average...) i think if the two of them had no woman to guide /train them the outcome would be sub ideal.

My dh thinks he is a good dad (so do i!) but agrees if he was cloned the prospect of the 2 of them being left alone with our babies doesnt bare thinking about 😵‍💫

Parents who put their child first, love them, teach them and expose them to positive experiences and are part of a nurturing and loving village - yes.
Parents who don’t do the above - no.

I don’t mind what sex the parents are.

I’ve seen many people damaged by toxic Mum/Dad so think it’s wrong to say a same sex Mum/Mum or Dad/Dad is fundamentally wrong.

My friendship with a two mum family has been flourishing since NCT group days over 20 years ago.

I can see no reason for anyone to step away from a friendship on grounds of a female same sex couple unless they are homophobic.

I do have ethical / political issues with male couples commissioning babies by surrogacy.

But rejoice at the gay couple I know who adopted two very troubled traumatised children they had fostered and gave them support, stability, love, a family and expert support (one had been a specialist teacher and knew what he was dealing with!)

I have 2 friends in same sex marriages, one with a biological child and one with 2 adopted children, all 4 of them are great mums with very happy children.
That's a win for me

I don’t care about the sex of the parents. I just want to see legal ties between the child and both parents because children deserve stability regardless of adult relationship. I’m happy to see families built by gestation or adoption, but find surrogacy problematic. So couples with at least one female member in my opinion have more legitimate paths to parenthood. Other than that, the end result should be the same, loving parents, committed to taking care of their child together.

single parenthood is also valid, though obviously best when done with intention.

I think DC need to be loved and cared for. Two loving parents: great. Would not give it a second thought and I think your friend, or now ex friend, is very unreasonable. Especially given how much very minimal or worse parenting seems to be coming from men, though threads on here are not representative I suppose.
As for teens: all that may never happen. DD is very nearly 17 . Never had a moment like that yet!

Don’t care however I disagree when dad turns into mum or mum turns into dad. Just don’t have kids.

I’m not entirely comfortable with sperm donation / fertility treatment on the nhs but am unsure what that means exactly

I was raised by a single mum, and I think a child being raised my two parents is way more important than what sex they are. I’ve had to spend a lot more time thinking about compromise and relationships than my husband has who was raised by two parents, and got to see up close how they worked with each other (both the good and the bad).

Same.

Zero issue for me - stability and affection matter most.

As long as you don’t try and pretend gay couples can create a baby.

A male couple did so recently, and had to be shouted at by a judge after they denied the existence of their foster son’s mother on the grounds her existence was homophobic.

The local authority was also bollocked for trying to charge the mum with harassment for wanting contact with her child.

This exactly.

IVF babies have been studied to have better quality of life scores as adults, in part because they are very planned and very wanted.

I wouldn’t think twice about a baby with two mums except to be pleased that ART worked for them.

I’m not a fan of surrogacy. I’m somewhat indifferent to donor eggs, but draw the line at renting a womb.