How do you honestly feel about a baby having two mums?

[Corneliusthecamel]

Hi,

Recently, a close friendship has come to an end and it’s been difficult to process. Long story short - I am a woman married to another woman and I gave birth to a baby last year who was conceived via sperm donor/fertility treatment through the NHS. We are all really happy and she is beautiful.

A good, long term friend of mine has become increasingly distant over the past couple of years. I confronted her about this recently and she admitted that she struggles with my life choices and doesn’t feel it’s right that I have chosen to bring a baby up with another woman. She feels very strongly that a baby should have a traditional mum and dad unit where possible and feels that I am wrong for choosing this path.

Anyway, the friendship is over, and I think that’s the right thing for both of us - it’s not really possible to carry on when we both have such different views and experiences of the world.

But it has made me want to ask - what are your honest opinions of two women choosing to pursue fertility treatment and having a baby? Obviously it’s my life and I’m happy so in one way, who cares. But I truly didn’t think my friend held those types of views and often, people won’t speak their true thoughts in real life, so I am curious what people truly think about it

Mum and Dad is best option IMO, especially if there is a boy in the mix.

We need to think about this more from the perspective of the children involved!

There are plenty of adults who’ve been raised by people who are not their biological parents - we should ask them!

Looking at male gay friends who adopted, I could not disagree more with you.

Also looking at male friends raising kids on their own (divorced or widower), being male or female has no impact on how great a parent you are.

Sadly, on how shit a parent you can be if you watch the news.

The “two dads” I know have adopted. Is that an issue for you too?

Hmm.. but being removed from your biological mother is no different from women giving up children for adoption which was happening long before same sex male couples started having children via surrogacy,

No issue with two mums or two dads.
But I am against surrogacy.

Very much depends on the dad, IMHO.

very much depend on the PARENTS

"Mum" is not always the best option. It's sad, but true.

A couple who shouldn't be together is a toxic environment anyway.

I know kids who have 2 mum's abd and another kid who has 2 dad's. Both are wonderful parents. A happy loving home is what counts .

How I feel about it - it’s not who is there but who is not. If a child is being raised by female same-sex parents or by a single mother I believe they need a good male role model who can be really involved in their life, whether that’s the biological father or an uncle, grandfather, friend. Likewise I have no issue at all with a child being raised by male same-sex parents or a single father but the child needs a good female role model to be involved in their life, so the biological mother, or grandmother, aunt, friend. And I feel the same if the child is male or female.

Giving up a child for adoption at birth happens rarely these days (unless for child protection reasons), as both birth control and abortion are more accessible.

Mothers having to give up wanted children in the past because of social stigma or poverty was always an awful thing.

Don't think anything about it. Or perhaps that it must be easier when the other parent is a woman as well because most women are less selfish than men are in my experience :).

I have no issues with it.

Especially watching all these so-called 'traditional parents' getting it so terribly terribly wrong these days 'raising' (if you can even call it that) their DCs. And so many 'traditional' parents who aren't together anymore and causing so many issues for their children because they 'hate' their ex.

@Redflamingos a baby born via donor egg or sperm don't know their biological parent. Is it just them not knowing their biological mother you have a problem with, wouldn't mind if they don't know their biological dad?

I guess adopting is different as the baby was always going to be adopted. In other words, the baby was never going to have the opportunity of being raised by its parents.

That’s different imo to deliberately creating a baby to be removed from its biological parents.

Personally I’m think that if the two parents in question are in a healthy relationship and are lovingly raising their children or children, it doesn’t matter if it’s a hetero couple or two mums/two dads. Ideally your friend would be a bit more supportive and understanding. Friends of mine conceived via IVF and a donor egg. They still love their children the same go through the same ups and downs. I’m sorry that your friend’s distance hurts. I hope you can find friends who are more supportive and open minded towards your family 💐

Honestly? It always makes me very glad I’m straight and that my husband has sperm that works. Because the biological connection to my kids is important to me. I wouldn’t be able to consider a partner who wasn’t the biological father of my child as an equal parent. I also wouldn’t be able to have an adopted child and my own biological kids at the same time, although I could do a great job fostering kids later on once mine are grown and independent.
I know not everyone feels like I do though so I’d never willingly get into that conversation with lesbian parents in my social circles! I’d never ask who was the genetic or gestational mother either!
I don’t have a problem with two gay men raising kids together but I do have an issue with surrogacy. I just don’t think men can possibly understand what an enormous thing it is to ask a woman to donate her eggs or carry and give birth to their child.

I’ll be honest, there has been times when I’d wished I was a lesbian because raising kids with another woman seems much better than raising them with a man sometimes. So fully supportive of two mum families, lucky kids and lucky women!

I’ll go further and say I think it is morally reprehensible for two men to purchase a baby from its mother. Utterly wrong. And wrong for women to sell their babies too.

Two women having a baby from donor sperm I find somewhat dubious. Better if the father is known to them and the child and plays a part in the child’s life.

I think knowing your father and mother in this life is important. Yes, some parents are shit. But most are not and most start out with good intentions.

Two mums fine. Two dads fine. If they are loving parents, the child will be loved.

I don’t think about it. Families come in all shapes and sizes and as long as the kids are loved and well looked after it’s no one business

As to your ‘friend’ what does she think about single parents?

I have no issue with two women looking after a child. I do have issues with sperm donors and deliberately creating a child who will grow up not knowing anything about 50% of their genetic family. People talk about uncaring and disappearing fathers but this is still bad, just in a different way.

I feel that everyone deserves to know and have a bond with their biological parents. So much about us is genetically determined, that it’s helpful to know one’s genetic history.

Couldn't care less. If child is loved and it's now thankfully not an issue for the children with school mates (bullying, mickeytaking etc) then who's business is it?! Your 'friend' is very judgemental!

I agree. That's not to say I am against same sex couples raising children but I watched an interview some years ago with a young guy in the US who had been raised by two women. He said that he had a nice middle class upbringing and his moms had looked after him well but he made the point repeatedly that it was not fine to ask or expect children to regard same sex parents as the same as or equal to biological mum and dad.