How do you honestly feel about a baby having two mums?

[Corneliusthecamel]

Hi,

Recently, a close friendship has come to an end and it’s been difficult to process. Long story short - I am a woman married to another woman and I gave birth to a baby last year who was conceived via sperm donor/fertility treatment through the NHS. We are all really happy and she is beautiful.

A good, long term friend of mine has become increasingly distant over the past couple of years. I confronted her about this recently and she admitted that she struggles with my life choices and doesn’t feel it’s right that I have chosen to bring a baby up with another woman. She feels very strongly that a baby should have a traditional mum and dad unit where possible and feels that I am wrong for choosing this path.

Anyway, the friendship is over, and I think that’s the right thing for both of us - it’s not really possible to carry on when we both have such different views and experiences of the world.

But it has made me want to ask - what are your honest opinions of two women choosing to pursue fertility treatment and having a baby? Obviously it’s my life and I’m happy so in one way, who cares. But I truly didn’t think my friend held those types of views and often, people won’t speak their true thoughts in real life, so I am curious what people truly think about it

Honestly, I think lucky baby and lucky mums. It’s by no means a guarantee of harmony and equality but in my experience of lesbian friends it does seem to cut out some of the bullshit and resentment.

The only time I flicker is if the child misses out on rough play. I think kids need to be thrown around a little and dads seem more up for it 😁

I’ll probably get slated but here goes.

I have zero issues with two women raising a baby

and while I’m not against it, I feel a bit more anxious about two men raising a baby. Purely based on one couple we know thinking about having a baby and neither being particularly caring, selfless, nurturing etc. they are luxury jet setter types and I feel they wouldn’t bond/ connect/ cuddle/ put the baby first. I just think a baby needs a mummy. (At least one!!)

I think any child with two loving parents, of either sex, is a lucky child.

Great minds…

I'd be happy the baby has been brought into the world by two parents who love them.

Well my DD’s best friend has 2 mums and 3 step mums (born to a lesbian couple who split when she was a baby, both now married to other women, and she also has a close relationship with her biological father who donated sperm and his wife) so I’d say 2 mums is a breeze in comparison!
Honestly I don’t really think anything of it. There are so many different family set ups at my children’s school. The main thing is that the children are loved, cared for and prioritised.

Two mums - OK.
Two dads - Not OK

I don’t have any issues with either two women or two men raising a child. I have some concerns with donor gametes, though I think the UK laws are much better now and I’d be interested so see how the current generation who should have access to their donor and are heavily encouraged to have all the facts of their conception available to them from the start generally feel about in comparison to previous generations. Hopefully it will be better for them. That doesn’t just affect same sex couples though.

I'm happy for a child to be brought up in a loving environment, be that opposite sex parents or same sex.

As long as the wellbeing of tge child is first and foremost, then surely that is what matters.

I'd think that kid is probably quite lucky attention/ snuggle wise!

No bad feelings at all. Is it a boy baby? I know some people think its important there is some male role model in their lives if so.

I don’t agree with sperm or egg donation so I’d have an issue with that part.

No issue with 2 women or two men raising a child through adoption as long as they have the raise the child well, same as a heterosexual couple.

We know two men that used a surrogate and we have distanced ourselves from them due to their attitudes towards the egg donor and birth mum. I would distance myself from anyone who used egg or sperm donor as well as our morals would be too different.

Omg so this! But would never say out loud irl 😬

Honestly I wouldn’t want it as a choice but I think two loving mums is probably better than unloving man / woman combo . I think as you are two mums it’s better you’ve got a daughter as I think a male child needs a male role model and likewise a daughter growing up with two men is not fair .

I think anyone who is worried about the sex of the parents is someone who could do with having a long hard think about how many uninvolved and absent fathers there are out there and worrying about that instead.
So many dads who 'love their kids, they are a great dad' because they kick a ball around once a week or helped their daughter with their homework, yet carry zero mental or emotional load and 'aren't good at handling the kids when they disobey because of growing up in an authoritarian household himself' (to put just one example forward)

4 hands are better than 2 as long as everyone is pitching in.
2 hands are better than 4 if the other parent can’t be bothered.
Love is what matters, your “friend” is a 💩

Given the umpteen posts a day I see on here and other forums about useless, lazy, insufferable men who do the absolute bare minimum for their homes, wives and children and expect to be praised for it? Or the endless men who vanish from their children's lives at random because they've found some twenty something who is more important?

Honestly? I think lucky kid.

I'm biased as my wife and I are also a two mum family with two children.

I think some people's doubts around same- sex families, at least lesbian ones, are more concerns around gemete donation. We did lots and lots of research on how to best raise donor-concieved children using the experiences of donor conceived adults but people don't know that.

My observation has been that heterosexual couples find this much harder, as the dad's don't like to acknowledge the use of donor sperm, whereas single women and lesbian couples naturally do.

I am also uneasy around two-dad families that aren't formed by adoption. Just based on the need for an initial breaking of bonds for the baby to make it possible. They don't know they're being carried by a surrogate. Of course in adoption that breakage is necessary and has already happened, very happy for these families.

One of the best people I know was brought up by two mums in the 80's....

Completely agree @Wisterical 🙂

@Corneliusthecamel Im sorry your friend has these views and I think you’re right to end the friendship.
Surely people only have to look at some of the awful news stories of things that children are subjected to by some “parents” to realise that any child brought up in a caring, loving and nurturing environment is a very fortunate child. It makes no difference whether that is a mum/dad, mum/mum, dad/dad or a singe parent household.

This

I agree but not saying in irl...

Oh actually I take that back - I’m on the whole comfortable with two fathers adopting - but VERY uncomfortable with two fathers buying a baby from its mother

i have no issue with two women.

i also have no issue with two men, or single men, or whatever. With the massive caveat that I do not agree with surrogacy.

if two men want to adopt, or bring up children from a previous relationship together, I do not have a problem.

It’s renting a woman’s body and buying body parts (eggs) and babies that is a big, big no.

I think it's great! Two mums has to be the dream.