How can we stop our 12yo sleeping on our floor??

[Jones3A]

Fucking broken with exhaustion and struggling not to just get really mad even though we know that's not going to work.
DS is prone to phases of anxiety around security/clinginess.
Currently 4 weeks into overnight wake ups where he marches into our room with his pillow and sleeps on the floor.
Any gentle / patient attempt to get him to try to resettle in his own bed rapidly spirals, he gets hysterical and we end up getting angry.
He won't even begin to try. Not to read, not to listen to quiet music, not to have us resettle him, nothing. He goes wild.
How the hell are we going to break this pattern?
We are both under a lot of work stress and the nightly drama is making it so much worse.
Any advice gladly received. I know we're making a shit job of this. In the wee hours I'm not in the best head space to handle it.

We had the same with both boys, but thry got in our bed....only solution was to buy a super king ! No harm done didn't last forever...

Two of my children did this around the age of 11/12. For whatever reason, they just needed to. I let them, it helped, then it was over and they went back to their bedroom. My friend's 12 year old has a little camp bed in parent's room atm.

Judging by the thread (and rl), it isn't particularly unusual at all.

I did this , I was terrified of death for a for a fair few years. Kindness solved it. My parents did all the kind things to do the others have posted. Worked for me , and I was never made to feel silly or a nuisance. Did the same with my kids. Kindness and love solve most things, or at least make them easier. I would checkin to find out his worries.

Supernanny has pretty much been debunked. The whole back to bed thing became a game in my house, that always ended in tears. As he'd run, then eventually run into something or fall.

I really don't think it's going to work with an anxious tween. Who is looking for comfort and reassurance.

My son did this for a while - maybe a couple of times a week. He stopped after a few months. I know think of it as quite sweet.

No it isn't.

He's making it very clear that he needs you, for whatever reason. Please listen to your child.
Show him he was right for coming to you or he will stop coming to you. If he goes mad when you try to out him in back in his room he is clearly too distressed to be alone. Keep your kid close, make him feel safe and loved and figure out what's going on.

Our DD is adopted (from age 7) and for so many years we struggled to get her to settle at night. It got to the point where one of us would have to stay with her until she went to sleep, sometimes resulting in us falling asleep with her! We thought it would never end and this was going to be our life forever. However, it made her feel safe and secure and ensured that we all managed to get a good night's sleep, rather than spending hours battling it. Then one day, out of the blue, she decided that she wanted to sleep on her own. Honestly, like others have said let him get on with it, he really will grow out of it.

Bedknobsandhoovers
I'd not worry. As someone else wrote - he'll not be doing it when he's 20.

Ok, so only another 8 years of it then.....😂Ridiculous.

@kinkytoes Melatonin was prescribed by DS's psychiatrist to help him sleep. I don't consider it drugging him, and certainly not dangerous. It was initially recommended to us for DS by his paediatrician when he was about 9, to help him regulate his sleep. If an NHS paediatrician is happy with it then I am also OK with it. But, if you had read my post thoroughly, you would have seen that I said DS had similar sleep problems, which in our case had gone on since he was a baby. At age 9 and still not able to settle and get a proper night's sleep he was recommended melatonin. There is nothing wrong with that solution if recommended by a paediatrician, which ours was.

My parents had a lock on the door 🙂 we all somehow survived the night on our own 😂

All behaviour is communication. What is going on for him that’s making him anxious in the first place? I would be concerned that something has happened to him rather than being annoyed and angry. I think you should speak to him gently during the day to find out what’s causing this change in behaviour. And as pp have said, set up a sofa bed for him. You can get kid sized chair beds for under £50 that can be folded away during the day and left out when you go to bed at night so he can just come in and go to sleep without disturbing you.

He'll not be doing it at 16 never mind 20.

It's a phase he needs reassurance, run with it.

Also, no screens for at least 45 mins before bedtime, a cup of camomile tea wouldn’t go amiss here either and a lavender room spray to make him have a relaxing, calm sleep.

I couldn't get mad at him for this. Like pp, II'd want to get to the root of the matter, but let him sleep in your room until then.

Imagine you were struggling with something and your spouse completely rejected your plea for affection/security.

Children need their parents for different reasons at different times and should always be able to have that safe/soft place to land.

Agree he's communicating anxiety about something.

So while I'd be happy for him to sleep on the floor, camp mat or yoga mat whatever the Op has lying around.
I wouldn't go making him too comfortable.

Why the "nightly drama?" If he just comes in and sleeps on the floor of your bedroom, why not set up a pad on the floor and just let him?

More importantly, unless your son has some kind of disability or other known issue that would bring this on, it sounds likely that something is very wrong. This is not typical behavior for a twelve-year-old. I would take him to a doctor or therapist right away.

Reward chart for not sleeping in your room? Maybe he's just having bad dreams.
Like a smartie or chocolate for each night he stays in his room. Helped with our toddlers potty training / behaviour issues/ creeping into our room and standing by thr edge of my bed at 2 am in the morning staring at me until I sensed their presence and woke up 😂

it will pass. 12 is a tough age, he's in between childhood and adulthood and it's stressful. Just ignore it.

This is a 12 year old, nearly teen boy. My 4 year old takes up enough space in my king size bed let alone 12.

the OP deserves sleep too, but everyone's forgetting that.

I can't see how a nearly teenage boy would be enticed by a singular smartie.

I personally would also put a camp bed up and tell him that if he needs to come in to creep in quietly and go to sleep.
Even now for no reason at all I struggle at night occasionally, the darkness, over active brain, worries etc keep me awake. Because I’m a grown up I know to get up, creep downstairs and either quietly get on with stuff or watch tv, children don’t have that confidence, they are given confidence by being close to people who are their safe people.
It is normal to seek reassurance by being close when something is bothering them, I would be trying to gently find out what is going on if this is a sudden change.
I co slept with all of ours and still do with our 5 year old as he creeps into us in the night.
Our son who is the same age as yours also co slept most nights until he was 6, if he started creeping in again now, the only thing I would be worrying about is why he’s needing that reassurance again now.
If it’s anxiety based getting cross really isn’t going to help

Even the Op said he sleeps on the floor. He's not actually in the bed.

I can't see a tween being enthralled by being treated like a 2yo.

Oh yes very true! I've got a 4 year old and 2 year old so I can't quite envisage what 12 year olds like!