How can we stop our 12yo sleeping on our floor??

[Jones3A]

Fucking broken with exhaustion and struggling not to just get really mad even though we know that's not going to work.
DS is prone to phases of anxiety around security/clinginess.
Currently 4 weeks into overnight wake ups where he marches into our room with his pillow and sleeps on the floor.
Any gentle / patient attempt to get him to try to resettle in his own bed rapidly spirals, he gets hysterical and we end up getting angry.
He won't even begin to try. Not to read, not to listen to quiet music, not to have us resettle him, nothing. He goes wild.
How the hell are we going to break this pattern?
We are both under a lot of work stress and the nightly drama is making it so much worse.
Any advice gladly received. I know we're making a shit job of this. In the wee hours I'm not in the best head space to handle it.

Huh?! It's not normal for preteens/teens to want to spend time cuddling with their parents at night. He's 12, not 2.

You need to tackle his anxiety first maybe counselling? Something is causing him not to sleep and feel safe in his own room. I found with my child they naturally figured it out themselves n amount of techniques worked.

What's his explanation for wanting to be in his parents' room?!

That what the OP needs to get to the bottom of in the day light when he calm - then work towards getting him back into his own room.

Short term I'd put up with it minimising any drama and getting everyone to sleep as quickly as possible but I'd also be working on getting him to stay in his own room.

Often with anxiety - laying down the law doesn't always work - and can make the problem bigger.

I remember doing this when I was about 11 - I was struggling at school I think and having horrific nightmares and waking up terrified in the night. My dm put a mattress on the floor for me to sleep on until it passed a couple of months later.

Because this is a child who has got some sort of anxiety going on and what's to feel the protection of his parents.
The parents turning him away will be adding to the anxiety.

If for him being physically close means his anxiety will reduce and knowing M&D are there for him 24/7 really isn't a bad thing.

I once moaned about my child crawling into bed and an older nurse relayed information given to her many years earlier, and it's stuck with me, the last place they'll want to be at 16 is your bed!!! And it's so so true.

This doesnt strike me as normal If anything you want more privacy as you enter adolescence not less. I certainly did and I was elated when I had my own bedroom. At this age, children begin to feel a sense of identtity and the need for some agency and independence from others..

Get to the bottom of why he's suddenly started to do this. Everyone is saying its a phase but you dont know how long its going to go on for so its not really feasible to just let it slide indefinitely...

Let's hope so but judging by this thread people would allow their teenagers to sleep in their room/bed indefinitely. I have a teenager and she would do anything NOT to share a room with me when we go on holiday together, let alone at home.

My eldest had severe separation anxiety at 12, eased at 13 and now they are 21. They live alone and do not bed share. It's no big deal at that age.

But other people would say the same about a boy aged 12.

I'd assume he is emotionally quite immature for a 12 year old.

I have to say that the experiences of posters who went to their parent's beds as adults is not quite the same at all as being discussed here.

It's well acknowledged that in times of huge emotional stress- grief etc- people in families do comfort each other in many ways.

BUT for a 12 year old to do this routinely is showing something's not right with his life and that needs identifying so he can be supported.

He's clearly unhappy about something and to say it's just a phase and accept it is not right.

So how was that separation anxiety identified and treated when they were 12?

Did you get professional help to identify it as SA?

Me too @ApplesinmyPocket !!
I was probably around 14/15 and went through a stage of being anxious over everything/nothing (diagnosed ADHD & ASD as a 36 year old) I'd start off in my own bed but there would be many a morning where my parents would find me at the end of their bed on the floor with my duvet & pillow. They each handled it very differently- my Dad got one of our camping mats out & just left it rolled up in their room. My Mum grounded me every time she 'caught' me, so much so I'd try & wake up early and creep out before she woke up.

As a single parent to an anxious at times 14 year old, she knows she is always welcome if she needs the comfort. It's incredibly rarely now, usually when she's under the weather.

I can tell you that the way my Dad handled it made me feel reassured whilst my Mum made me feel utterly crap about myself.

As far as I can remember this period lastest around 6 months and then very occasionally if there was thunder & lightning (was convinced I was going to get electrocuted 😆) and as a fully formed 47 year old I'm all good!

I truly believe that part of our 'job' as parents is to help our children feel safe & secure, if your son needs the security of being near his parents then allow it, discuss during the day if there's anything bothering him but I honestly think the more combative you are (which I get, you're getting woken up & we're all grouchy when that happens!) the longer this will last x

Your DS needs you. Listen to him. FFS I can’t believe this is even a big deal. Just love the boy. Help him. It’s a cry for help.

Stop making a big deal of it. Stop shaming him. Ask him to come in very quietly. Tell him he can sleep with you for as long as he likes.

He will grow out of it 100%. He’s going through puberty and those hormones raise anxiety. We live in a ridiculous world full of crap. Of course he’s anxious. He probably doesn’t need counselling. He just needs his family to be there for him and allow him to be vulnerable and support him as he changes from boy to man.

By all means seek counselling but don’t go over the top and turn it into a massive problem. Otherwise he’ll start looking for things that aren’t there and then get truly anxious.

ive slept in my kids’ rooms over the years to settle them. Anything to help them through the night. In the end, sleep is the most important thing.

also if he has a sibling, maybe stick them together for a while, just for sleep.

Humans are social animals. We aren’t supposed to sleep alone. Not historically. Bedrooms are very modern conveniences.

@XelaM
@BringontheSunAgain

I agree something isn't right. The kid is dealing with some sort of anxiety.

Pushing him away and causing more drama and stress at night isn't going to help.

Let him be close when he needs to be then. Try to get him to open up.

I came on to say this ,but winter fox beat me to it x

why are YOU and others disregarding the evidence and kind advice of this thread -that's what I find bizarre !

... that some of us needed or wanted the reassurance of not sleeping alone until older than 12 (me, as per my pp - and I turned out perfectly OK) - that 12 isn't a 'teenager' - that she can harmlessly solve this by just letting him have what he needs for this undoubtedly short-lived phase and let him sleep on the floor?

It's not like he's going to want it at 18 ffs.

Possibly unhappy about being rejected by his parents every night.

This.

Have you got to the bottom of why? It's not the usual pattern of behaviour so what's going on?

just get upand sleep in his bed.

Have you tried Supernanny's method? I don't know if it will work with an older child but Jo Frost's bedtime routine is; The first time he wakes you after putting him to bed, say 'it's bedtime' and put him back in his own bed, the following time and all further times say nothing and put him back in his own bed. It may be a lot of running around and may takes hours the first few nights but he will eventually get the message and wear himself out, hopefully in his own bed. If this isn't clear there are numerous supernanny episodes on YouTube to watch.

Normal, schmornal … 🙄

Honestly? Set up a mattress on your bedroom floor and tell him he has to come in quietly so not to disturb you and let him crack on.

Hmm, that is unnecessary aggressive. She is not unreasonable.
she has major sleep deprivation..that is not good to anyone health or safety (driving etc) or ability to work

for you to imply she shouldn’t get bothered by it, and drop all her needs for basic human function, or is therefore selfish, is naive and unhelpfully critical.

Is DH DS’s father? I think so, from reading the OP. If not, I can see why it might feel uncomfortable. Anyway, I’d just set up a mattress and let him creep in quietly if he wants to. Make it a non-issue. It’s a difficult age with a lot of change going on, and he obviously really needs some reassurance at the moment. The only reason this is causing sleep deprivation is by making an issue out of it. You’ll all feel better after some unbroken nights, and at that point it might be easier to discuss any difficulties he’s going through too. He won’t still want to be in with you when he’s 13/14!

Just let him. I don't see the problem. As long as he's quiet. He won't do it forever.

I agree with PPs that you should make a bed on the floor for him for now, while trying to find out what's going on to make him so anxious. My younger DD went through a period of intense anxiety, there would be 90 mins or so of crying every evening. We paid for a couple of sessions with a therapist who specialised in childhood anxiety, and there was a marked change after just one session. Rather than focussing on how it's affecting you, I think if you focus on what's causing it, you will have more success in sorting it out.