How can we stop our 12yo sleeping on our floor??

[Jones3A]

Fucking broken with exhaustion and struggling not to just get really mad even though we know that's not going to work.
DS is prone to phases of anxiety around security/clinginess.
Currently 4 weeks into overnight wake ups where he marches into our room with his pillow and sleeps on the floor.
Any gentle / patient attempt to get him to try to resettle in his own bed rapidly spirals, he gets hysterical and we end up getting angry.
He won't even begin to try. Not to read, not to listen to quiet music, not to have us resettle him, nothing. He goes wild.
How the hell are we going to break this pattern?
We are both under a lot of work stress and the nightly drama is making it so much worse.
Any advice gladly received. I know we're making a shit job of this. In the wee hours I'm not in the best head space to handle it.

Maybe I’m not understanding properly, but is it that he’s waking you up? Or that he’s in your room? I have a mattress in the kids’ rooms and often go in there and sleep if they need me.. even the teenager (before an important competition he had and was anxious..). But I’m a bit over the top when it comes to being a mum, I’m aware I’m probably not normal.

Nobody is saying the Op doesn’t need to sleep but arguing about him going back to bed at 1 am is disturbing everyone , simply swapping beds with him or putting an airbed up and telling him in advance to just come in and use it is literally being awake for a few minutes then everyone is settled again . Obviously there is an issue with this child as I doubt he’s just doing it to be annoying .

My two children had multiple phases of coming into my bed throughout their childhood, including teenage years. Never bothered me and I never interrogated them as to why. But when they were ready they would share with me and it was usually something school or friend related. It always passed.

Now two perfectly well adjusted adults who remember those days with fondness!

Honestly its quite common and he will grow out of it. And you want him to go into the proper teenage years trusting you and being as comfortable with you as possible. If you reject him now you will find the 13-17 ages impossible

I had the same issue with my little one but she would cry and get into the bed, I really could get no sleep. I really empathise.
These things helped us but they might not work for you.

• we got a tonie box so she could choose her own stories and characters. It wasn't allowed anywhere else but next to her bed after a story we read and she got control.
• we got her a bed that had painted rabbits and mice that she loved and it made her want to claim it as her own. If she got up I would go to get in her bed. She would get jealous and want her bed back....she hated her bed before that it was a game changer.
• letting her spend some nights with us from the get go....if they manage the other nights they can have a night or two of cuddle time once I've slept.

Don't beat yourself up if you end up with them in your bed. Sleep for all of you is key however it comes.

You are not being fair.

I used to sleep on my parents floor until I left school due to anxiety and then when i left school i would stay up all night and sleep from around 6am when it got light. I think i hated the thought that the world was dead and i was alone. They were pretty decent about it from what I remember though if I woke them I'd get told off! Might it work for you to take it in turns to sleep in HIS room? Eventually he will be sleeping through and used to not needing to wake up to move rooms and you can wean away.

One night when you can manage a late night yourself maybe take him for a drive ti see what society is doing overnight, 24 hours Supermarkets, nightclubs until 5am, road works, 24hr McDonalds etc. I think that would gave helped me to deal with feeling like I was the only person awake.

There's a book called 'What to Do when you Dread your Bed', definitely worth a try!

Totally understand that the child's needs need to be met but is OP not entitled to sleep without being woken or indeed just not having someone in her room if she doesn't want to. I don't let my son in my room at bed time I'm entitled to my own space.

Our son used to come and get in bed with us every night. We just let him and one day he stopped. My advice would be to ignore him when he comes in, just feign sleep.

He's having a hard time so leave him be. I'd be much more concerned about his wellbeing than my sleep being momentarily disturbed. Poor boy.

I think you sound lovely, I want all my kids to know that I’m there if they need me
I remember being about 13 and having an important exam and getting worked up about it, I was really upset and overtired as just couldn’t sleep.
I got 0 amount of sympathy and was told in no uncertain to stop messing about and not to come out of my room again. I still remember that feeling of being totally alone and would never want my children to feel that way.
How much nicer it would have been for me to be able to have someone in the room, being kind and having empathy, I’m sure your kids appreciate it

Is it a cultural thing to view this as a problem? Pretty common for family to sleep in the same room in East Asia. I grew up in Asia and used to sleep on a mattress on the floor in my parents’ bedroom when I felt like it. Not an anxiety or attachment thing… just a restlessness thing I guess, plus looking back their room had the biggest TV and a nice breeze from the bedroom balcony. Anyway, I turned out fine, though I would say so myself

At what age do you say no this needs to stop? 18? 20? 30? Are you going to be allowing her to do this as an adult in two years time?Sleeping in your parent’s bed is not normal at 16. Seems as though the theapy and anxiety is not working if she’s still doing it at 16.

The big deal is that op is sleep deprived and this is not normal behaviour. It’s not that Op doesn’t want him, she wants boundaries. So by just being love she should let him sleep in her bed every night? Up until what age? Until he grows out of it? What if he doesn’t grow out of it. Should op still just be loving when she’s letting him sleep in the bed at 16, 18, 21? What age does it stop? She needs to get to the route of the problem that is causing him anxiety instead of just loving him.

Maybe I’m reading it wrong but isn’t the exhaustion from battling with him every night to relocate him? I get if OP wants privacy and boundaries (especially as her child is approaching puberty)… But coming from an East Asian background where this is pretty normal, I think if she took a slightly more chill / measured approach to solving the issue, instead of the pathologising and neurotic attitude I see from PP, it might unexpectedly be more effective?

I needed to hear this today. Thank you 🩷
So sorry about your childhood, at least it’s behind you now.

@Eliz86 he is 12 not 3 or 4 .

100% this. I understand if it’s a one off, say they had a nightmare or whatever. But for it to be happening for a few weeks is really concerning.

You’re actually the first poster to bring up puberty, and I agree with you. At this age they are hitting developmental milestones and by sleeping in OPs room could further reduce the boys development. He also needs to learn to be self reliant and learn to gain independence which is hugely important in terms of emotional and physiological wellbeing. Babies can self soothe at 3-4 months of age so a 12 year old should be more than capable.

Boundaries also need to be set as this can cause family complications. But totally agree with getting to why he is doing this. I’m completely shocked at the replies saying just let him. When does it stop? 16 years old, 18 years old?

There are not any legal laws in terms how old a child needs to be when they stop sleeping in their parents bedroom but I would be more concerned about their emotional well being. At 12 years olds, most kids are having sleepovers, so this is something he may miss out on if he can’t sleep in his own bed.

Possibly. But it’s still sleep deprivation and it’s not something she would deal with if he was sleeping in his own room in the first place.

Also totally understand different backgrounds do this. We don’t know where Op is from or her background but I was reading this as someone living in western culture where this is not normally a thing.

I stand by what I’ve said and ultimately think she needs to find the route of the issue that’s causing him to behave like this. Other people will also have opinions on how to deal with it but I do ask the question at what age should she stop letting him sleep in the room?

Yes ofc I know OP is in the UK but by bringing up cultural relativity I’m pointing to the fact that plenty of others have survived, and that this issue is a matter of social constructs rather than some kind of biological wiring gone awry.

Of course the social context is crucial and I’m not suggesting OP encourage him to continue by any means. But this whole thread where it’s painted as deviant, concerning, wildly inappropriate behaviour seems unhelpful to me. If you approach it with such a hysterical mindset it’s likely to add to the drama and anxiety all around it. Fair enough if you urgently want to change the situation but you can approach that with a cooler head IMO.

In fact 12 is still pretty young – it is that difficult age approaching puberty though which is why I appreciate OP wants to solve the issue – and if he’s anything like most Asian kids he’ll age out of it rapidly before his teens. Whereas if you turn it into a whole Big Thing and convince him it’s some weird problematic quirk/kink he has, I fear he may ironically latch on to it permanently.

As a parent you also need to parent your child and enforce boundaries. That’s what good parents do.

Op said nothing about disturbing her sex life and neither did the previous poster make comments about sex schedules. Parents are well in their right to have privacy from their children and have a sex life. I highly doubt these two things rule any house. You have a highly disturbed view of thinking.

Good parenting involves preparing a child for the real world and knowing how to become self-reliant and independent. Some parents however don’t teach this and their child ends up still sleeping in their room when they’re a young adult. Being a martyr does not achieve anything.

What is the harm in his sleeping on your floor? I realize it isn't ideal but I would just let him at it. When he is ready he'll go back to his room.

The op lives here! Her DS won’t have seen loads of families doing this. It’s not remotely standard. It’s actually limiting his development and the natural closeness of his parents.

I guess keep saying you are there for him but why isn’t he sleeping through? He should be. Why is he waking up and moving? It is up to parents to set boundaries and I’d be buying a lock. He’s got to consider others, understand he’s not a baby, and he has support to deal with anxieties, but not on the floor of his parents’ bedroom.

@Ermmmokay
Really interesting that Asian parents sleep beside their children.

Humans forget we are basically animals, and no animals send their dependant offspring to sleep away from them.
When you think about it, it's a really unnatural thing to do, even a generation or so ago most children would share bedrooms.
Children in their own rooms is a relatively new thing and a First World problem.

He might not know lots of other tweens sleep beside their parents but it doesn't stop him from wanting to sleep beside the parents.

It's actually quiet a natural thing to want. And now you've sent my head thinking. A few generations ago houses were smaller and families much bigger. How did the parents get privacy to keep the family growing 🤔