How can we stop our 12yo sleeping on our floor??

[Jones3A]

Fucking broken with exhaustion and struggling not to just get really mad even though we know that's not going to work.
DS is prone to phases of anxiety around security/clinginess.
Currently 4 weeks into overnight wake ups where he marches into our room with his pillow and sleeps on the floor.
Any gentle / patient attempt to get him to try to resettle in his own bed rapidly spirals, he gets hysterical and we end up getting angry.
He won't even begin to try. Not to read, not to listen to quiet music, not to have us resettle him, nothing. He goes wild.
How the hell are we going to break this pattern?
We are both under a lot of work stress and the nightly drama is making it so much worse.
Any advice gladly received. I know we're making a shit job of this. In the wee hours I'm not in the best head space to handle it.

And many 12 year old boys are going through hormonal and life changes life transition to senior school.

They just need a little reassurance, I can’t see how the DS is asking a lot really?

But it is good to talk about what is unsettling him.

I would be encouraging him to snuggle in with us, or putting up a camp bed ready for him. In fact that's exactly what I did for mine who have both slept in with us at various times. I definitely wouldn't be sending him away, or getting angry! He's your child! Parent him! I can't imagine sending my child away when they needed me. (And mine are 15 and 10 before I get accused of only having toddlers and not knowing what I'm talking about).

Are you suggesting something Oedipal?

Leave him to get on with it. My DD did it for years and slept in my bed until 14. In fact she's just come back for GCSE season.

Is your son struggling at school or has autism? I suspect more support there is your solution.

@Jones3A I really feel for you. DS has always had sleep problems. He has ASD, ADHD & OCD. He's 16 now but up around age 10 he would often come into our bedroom in the middle of the night. We had a simple routine - DH would go to sleep in DS's bed and DS would get in with me and we'd all be back to sleep in a few minutes. It was just easier that way, rather than trying to resist it or get angry with him.

Alternatively, you could see if he would try a low dose of melatonin to help him relax and sleep. DS can get it on prescription from CAMHS at the moment but you can buy it online.

My DS had a significant period of anxiety which was Covid induced and it meant he was on our floor for awhile. He's a teen now and like others have said, cringes at this looking back! I now have my DD setting up camp a few times a week for every excuse under the sun but although I don't enjoy the night waking, I do take comfort from the fact we are their safe place and where they come to when they have any worries. That's our purpose as parents. And they will eventually no longer need us in the same way.

OP I understand to a degree, I have a much younger child who is very anxious and it’s exhausting. I am either in and out of their room all night or I sleep in with them. I struggle to sleep next to them, although the cuddles are lovely, and I haven’t slept properly for years and I’m broken. It’s very hard and I wonder if we will still be doing this in years to come.

Anxious children are hard and very tiring. I don’t have any advice, just wanted to share my sympathy. X

ETA: SO sorry I quoted the OP! I know it’s very annoying, I did it on automatic, I sincerely apologise to all!!!

I'd not worry. As someone else wrote - he'll not be doing it when he's 20.

Our youngest liked to start off the night in our bed. We'd transfer her when we went to bed a few hours later. A bit odd but it gave her security and stopped after a bit with no upset, stress etc.

I'm another on the 'leave him to it'. My DS used to occasionally sleep in my bed at 12! Then he stopped for ages. The last time he slept in my bed was before Maths GCSE when he was 16. He felt safer and it somehow reduced his anxiety. For his A levels he would come in to play a relaxing repetitive word game for an hour or so (at 2am - I didn't get much sleep for those 4 weeks but more than he did, bless him) and then go back to his bed.

I think your DS will get over it. You could look into anxiety. My DS's came from neuro diversity.

Please don't drug your child as suggested by @Leylines above! 😫 Not when simply sleeping next to you is enough to settle him.

Why don’t you want him there? Surely him coming into your room and setting himself up on the floor is less of a drama than him becoming upset and you becoming angry trying to get him back in his own bed? For some reason he needs security and comfort during the night. Why is this a problem?

If he is hysterical then he is clearly upset. Is anything going on at school which could be making him anxious? Your post sounds a bit selfish.

Making him feel unwelcome is going to exacerbate his anxiety. You need to be on to a child psychologist asap to address the underlying issues.

I’m very aware of the difference between a 5yo and a 12yo. I have 2 13yos and with hormonal changes they sometimes have wobbles and need reassurance. Last night my 17yo came in for cuddles because she was upset at midnight. She didn’t stay long but she needed me. The fact she feels she can come to me is a positive in my eyes.

op said she’s getting up and trying to settle him in his bed and that’s escalating. No wonder she’s tired. Stop getting up and just let the phase pass.

I think it was the fact that he looked creepy but also that he only targeted children. Or so the story was at the time. He would stalk them and follow them and then abduct, torture and kill them. This is what my DD saw and it freaked her out. She was then imagining things and hearing noises and imagining he was in the house. The imaginations of children eh?

I'm not sure why she thought me and her Dad would have been able to do something about him if he was coming for her but she obviously just felt safer in our room 😂

On a more serious note I do remember being scared of stuff when I was a kid. Freddie Kruger gave me nightmares for weeks. 😂

I’m so glad I’m not the only one. At that age they only come when they really need you. It’s a time you prove they come first but you can say mum’s tired so we need to find a way I can give you the reassurance you need without me waking up. Have that conversation and also try to find the underlying reason. That said, he might not know.

dd1 is having a wobble and she doesn’t know why but I have an idea - coming to the end of the school year and knowing “change” is coming unsettles her. Very common.

Get him a self inflating mattress and let him sleep there. That way everyone gets sleep and no one is knackered and short tempered. He is a child feeling scared and vulnerable and its the right thing to do to make him feel safe. It wont last forever and you will end up with a child feeling secure and loved. It's not as uncommon as you think but most wont admit it. Mine regressed at 14 and slept in our room for 9 months and is perfectly fine and independent now.

This might not be what you want to hear but I’d get a little pull out bed and let them do it. I slept next to my mum similarly when I was a kid, possibly same age I can’t remember. I had terrible anxiety and it wasn’t as understood as it is now. I did stop doing it and am a ‘normal’ person now. Although I would look into the source of your kids anxiety. It turned out I had OCD. I had a fear that I would get up in the night and stab myself to death.

writing this has got me thinking about my mum. I adored her, she protected me from so much. I lost her in November and am heart broken. She was a lovely kind person and cared for me when I must have been a terrible worry and a pita. I k ow it’s hard to see things from their point of view, I’ve got kids now myself but maybe in the future they will look back and thank you for your patience and kindness. Hope my comment gives you a bit of perspective x

Why are so many on this thread pandering to a teenager sleeping in their parents' bedroom? It's totally bizarre. Parents should be able to have their privacy at night.

Oh bless him. Absolutely I would go for the route of least resistance. Let him get in your bed - one of you goes and gets in his. Or mattress on the floor.
My 11 year old regularly gets in bed with me... last night her and her sister took over my bed and I went and got into bottom bunk in their room. We all slept. it's ok to be total bed hoppers a night as long as everyone sleeps!

Not a teenager.. just a child who wants his parents at night.

What harm is it doing? I'd probably just let him, reduces the stress on everyone.

I made a bed on my floor. Told him he's welcome in but quietly. By giving it no drama, it eventually stopped.

The same way people get upset when their husbands or wives won't spend time with them or cuddle them.

We are our children's safe space.

If sex is the issue, you go and knob elsewhere in the house prior to going to bed. Then you all go to sleep in the same room, giving him a sleeping bag on the floor and a pillow, BEFORE all of you settle for the night. Warn him - no noise, no light, no reading, you need your sleep in order to work. He will be reassured and not throw any strops. So nae drama. He will grow out of it.

Alternatively, if you value knobbing/cuddling more than your son's mental health, take him to a GP, he or she will medicate him to his eyeballs, make him into a compliant vegetable and you can continue with your precious adult lives as you want, without him cramping your lifestyle in any way.

@Hwi Why is the alternative to him not sleeping in his parents bedroom medication and making him a vegetable?!? What?! It's totally normal for preteens/teens to sleep in their own rooms! Why pander to some nonsensical drama? If he's scared of monsters at night just keep the light on in his room. What's his explanation for wanting to be in his parents' room?!