How can we stop our 12yo sleeping on our floor??

[Jones3A]

Fucking broken with exhaustion and struggling not to just get really mad even though we know that's not going to work.
DS is prone to phases of anxiety around security/clinginess.
Currently 4 weeks into overnight wake ups where he marches into our room with his pillow and sleeps on the floor.
Any gentle / patient attempt to get him to try to resettle in his own bed rapidly spirals, he gets hysterical and we end up getting angry.
He won't even begin to try. Not to read, not to listen to quiet music, not to have us resettle him, nothing. He goes wild.
How the hell are we going to break this pattern?
We are both under a lot of work stress and the nightly drama is making it so much worse.
Any advice gladly received. I know we're making a shit job of this. In the wee hours I'm not in the best head space to handle it.

@Youstolemygoddamnhouse
hormones will kick in
he will grow up,
he will feel more settled over whatever is upsetting him.
Comfort factor his actual bed will be more comfy than the floor.

It's honestly not something that will go on for years

Oh I don’t know. Do you not know dozens of families where the sons bring their bride home from the wedding ceremony and into bed with Mum and Dad?

Why not get him a mattress or foam bed so he is comfortable and allow him to feel safe?

Poor lad probably feels embarrassed and unhappy about doing this as it is.
You may find offering him the security of ‘wanting’ to be there rather than pushing him away could actually have the result you want although not immediate.

@AJ2025 I couldn’t disagree more with pretty much everything you say. I also think child psychologists, and other professionals who have spent their careers working with and studying childhood would disagree with you. I am very glad my children were raised with engaged and responsive parents. They are almost adults now and we have excellent relationships. They’re lovely kids- polite, interesting, confident and doing well in their lives. I’m really glad they could always come and seek us out when they needed us, and that when their behaviour changed or problems arose, our response was to listen to them, engage with them and find out what was going on in their lives and their minds, and then respond to them with compassion, seeking professional or outside help when needed (which only happened once with one of our DC).

It sounds like you’ve made some significant positive steps today @Jones3A , hopefully you will have some better nights .

Aww Brilliant update OP
With such understanding and loving DPs I’m sure things will be back in his usual routine before long.

Ignore the “it’s not normal” posters. What a cold nasty lot they are! I’m glad none of them are my parents.

Your DS is scared, I was scared until I was 15. I used to get nightmares. Sleeping with others made it stop. It didn’t matter who it was. I needed another human there to regulate.

When I was 15 my rational brain kicked in and I grew up. I realised that my brain was just playing tricks on me. I’ve never needed someone since.

I didn’t get to share my parents room as things go but I got to sleep with my brother and other nights I was just alone and very very scared.

Do remember that if you’re ND you can have a very vivid imagination and things can spiral quickly.

I don’t think you should have said “it’s not an invitation” because it may be a situation the more you put boundaries up between you and his sense of safety, the more he will crush them down. You’re also not respecting the uncontrollable nature of his anxiety and you’re still shaming him for it. That’s wrong. I’m not sure why you so desperately need to be alone? It’ll be a short period I would expect and the more you support him and are kind to him, the less scared he’ll be.

And if it’s that important to you, then get a bed set up in his room quickly. Don’t shame him for being afraid. It’s bad enough as it is to feel scared in the night. You don’t need your parents making you feel like an idiot too.

The PP didn’t say it was a problem because it could affect their sex life. Did you read the same comment as me? They said it “ “could affect her sex life” and if they sleep naked this could be an issue. I would be horrified if I walked in on my parents naked at 12 years old.

The issue had been happening for four weeks, OP stated she was exhausted and didn’t know what to do. So yes, if she didn’t sort it out soon it could indeed become a long term problem. So thanks for staying my point. My comments on being a martyr are entirely appropriate. You can see from some of the comments posters have made saying they would allow this to continue or have done something like this with their kids. The Op was clearly having a hard time when she posted this meaning she doesn’t have to suffer because of the situation, like some parents do when dealing with issues with their children. So yes, I stand by that.

I agree with you that if a child is having anxiety then yes, the sleeping naked or sex should definitely take aback seat. But that is NOT what you said. You said “if you want to live in a house full of nakedness and sex schedules then remain childless.” Who said anything about sex schedules? The previous poster had brought up a very valid point about sex and being naked. Which I take to what would happen if the son just barged into the room (which he was doing) when they were having sex? And yes I find it very disturbing that you think just because someone brought up the issue of sex you think that the OP is prioritising her sex life and making sex schedules before the needs of her son.

I’m not acting as though the OP has been allowing this for ages, she clearly stated it’s been going on for four weeks, If you read my posts I say nothing about it being on a permanent basis but highlighting the issues that could arise if this continues. Nowhere have I said Op was a bad parent. If anything she’s displaying how a good parent should act and ask for help. And also no shame if he wants to sleep in her room, which I state as a one off. Not normal to sleep in her room for four weeks. You don’t sound very clever and it shows in how defensive you are. Can you not comprehend that others will have a different opinion to you? Do you even know what comprehend means?

All together now...

There was 4 in the bed,
and the LO said roll over....

With attention seeking behaviour, my friend said something to me years ago that stuck with me. He said if someone seeks attention that badly, the kindest thing is to give it to them.

10000000000% and the parents that just mollycoddle their children and allow this are the parents who are posting on MN saying how their kids are rude, disrespect them and still sleeping in their beds at 31 😂

It wouldn’t bother me, I’d probably tell him to get in the bottom of my bed. My DD went through a stage of sleeping in our bed when she was 13/14, she’d been doing something at school where death was discussed and I think it made her feel very anxious- she ventured back to her own bed within a couple of weeks. It didn’t bother me apart from her having to have her leg over me which gave me a backache.

I’d let him too.

That is so true!!

And i think trying to get him back into his own bed has probably caused more stress.
Bless him, hope he sleeps better tonight

At 12 he might be watching the news. We live in a nice suburb but barely a week goes by without a report of a car key burglary for example. Has he been to sleepovers where he may have watched a scary film? My daughter was about 12 when this happened and she slept with me for weeks. Could something be spooking him in his room such as shadows etc. You need to take him out for a milkshake or something similar and have a good uninterrupted chat too. Get to the bottom of it so you can help him. Poor boy.

Good job. OP, for making arrangements that will hopefully mean you are less disturbed at night and talking it through with your DS so he knows he can sleep in your room comfortably when he needs the comfort of you near and you won’t be angry.

My DC did similar during pre-teen/teen years on occasion when they were worried about something which generally leads to irrational fears which may not make much sense. Teen DD would wake us up dragging her mattress into our room when she’d watched a horror film at her friends too! She left home for Uni and now lives in her own home in early 20s and certainly wouldn’t want to sleep in our room now, nor would her brothers!

I’m happy that they felt comfortable enough to do so looking back. There’s no way I’d have done that to my parents after even a nightmare at those ages, and if I tried to I’d have got short shrift and probably a few hard slaps.

Struggling to fit into secondary school may be causing him a lot of internal stress which he’s projecting into fears that may make little sense.

You are getting him support, and hopefully things will get better for him, so this phase won’t last.

Sorry, was someone up thread genuinely suggesting we've evolved away from being a social species that, during development especially, requires security provided by the primary care giver?

Really.

No other social species has... why would we?

Could he sleep in the same berdoom as his sister? Also, our parents had a night light in the bedroom at night time. When I moved to university halls and it completely dark in the room I realised that because I couldn't see anything I would just go to sleep and got great quality sleep for the first time in my life! Since then I don't use a night light.

My 7Y does this. He has autism and separation anxiety. We have left him to it. We thought he'll get fed up of sleeping on the floor, we were wrong. I think if there are no other issues try talking to him it might be nightmares, anxiety about darkness etc

Possibly I am, as you say, not very clever because I can’t understand why you have said the pp didn’t say that then in the very next line you said they said it “ could affect their sex life.”

Nowhere have I suggested op said anything about it; I stated that clearly, yet you are still yipping up that tree. I don’t think that was anywhere apparent on the face of her op, and it is the sleep she was concerned about.

And no, no one else used the word schedules. It was a reference to the fact that sometimes timings of things shift in a family, it isn’t set in stone.

I’m not sure in any case that this is a very fruitful diversion from the thread given, as I have said and you seem to be saying, it wasn’t even the issue expressed by the op. It was the pp who brought it up first, not op, not me.

I think a 12yo boy shouldn't be sleeping in with his sister.
She shouldn't be used to support him.

No, she shouldn’t be disturb or lose her privacy, she’s not the parent.

I think people are - not erroneously - saying that boundaries are also important, which they are.

But it’s a question of which boundaries, when and for what.

Simply “having boundaries” doesn’t necessarily make a parent better than one who has none. The trick is knowing when, how and why, and recognising when a different approach is needed.

@Jones3A How was he last night?

Fingers crossed he gets the reassurance he needs and settles back down.