Random Man, Stupid Comment

[CrickityCrickets]

Bit of background: I've been struggling with disordered eating and calorie restriction for the last few months. I'm on the waiting list to be assessed by the doctors etc.

Today I had a moment of rationality and decided to go to Costa and have a hot chocolate and a slice of cake. Random Man in the queue next to me decided that it was his place to comment on my cake and said 'OOOh naughty but nice!'.

FFS.

Only if you’re exceptionally good looking, if not please don’t make small talk with me 😁

I think it's just a passing comment, someone being friendly and making conversation! I wouldn't find it offensive at all 🤷‍♀️

Invented by Fay Weldon, a well known feminist novelist, when she worked as a copywriter.

Unknown women sometimes big each other up, give unsolicited (genuine) compliments, or empathise. Men tend to make barbed little digs or try to solicit your attention.

My work sometimes involves being out on high streets, painting shopfronts. You get a constant stream of annoying comments- "Missed a bit ha ha", "Spelt that wrong ha ha", nearly always from men of a certain age. I've never had that from a woman- they always, consistently tell me it looks lovely.

I dropped my car off for it's service and MOT this morning and was walking back through the village, a random man said "Good Morning" to me - I soon put him straight, it's going to cost me a couple of hundred and that's if there's no repairs needed - how dare a random man make friendly conversation and assume my morning would be "Good", misogyny at work again.

Is this really what the world is coming to?

Maybe he has not spoken to another person all day. Could be any number of reasons that he remarked as he did.

I really dont get it.
What was there to get offended with.

I wouldn’t find it offensive, it’s just one of those throwaway comments people make, and a throwback to the old marketing campaign.

But the cake is naughty but nice? Sorry OP but I’ve struggled with my weight for years and would not be offended by this comment. Sounds like he was just making small talk. It’s a well known phrase. There’s even a cake shop near me called Naughty but nice cakes!

I have struggled with anorexia in the past. Went through a tough period last year and the only thing I was eating after 7 days of nothing was some raspberries. A small pot. My boss walked by and said loudly in front of my team ' omg your not eating ALL of those raspberries are you". I was so embarrassed It triggered my shame spiral and I didn't eat for 4 days.

I just try not to comment on food for anyone but most people are not trying to be rude or insensitive about it.

It’s so unbelievably sad that people are so triggered by every little thing. Maybe he wasn’t perplexed by your comment, maybe it triggered him as a child who was always told he was wrong and stupid and the bottom of the class. Who knows!
I see my mum smiling and engaging with young mums and their babies and you can tell they don’t like it, the little sneers and vibes of ‘get away’.
Her intention, like his, was friendliness. Probably learnt from others, where yes it tends to be something men say to women. But unlikely meant with malice!
If you want to ‘educate’ the man you could say, “I know you’re being friendly and I appreciate it but I have issues with food and commenting on it makes me uncomfortable”.
I also say that as someone who has had disordered eating for 25+ years.
It’s really your issues for you to deal with. I don’t mean that in a negative way. In a public place people are allowed to make friendly conversation.

'I see my mum smiling and engaging with young mums and their babies and you can tell they don’t like it, the little sneers and vibes of ‘get away’.'

That is sad, I used to love it when older people commented on my babies.

The world is becoming a strange, paranoid place.

P.S. Your mum sounds fabulous.

@PrettyPussShe’s very lovely, thank you! I used to love it too. Sometimes a bit annoying/ invasive, if you’re having a difficult day or whatever, but I always thought how lovely people want to smile, engage, make a fuss.

He was just being friendly. It's not a crime. As a PP said, maybe you were the only person he'd speak to all day. Have we lost all ability to think beyond our own needs and wants? The poor man will probably be too scared to ever say anything again to a stranger.

He had no way of knowing that you were buying the cake for yourself though. You could have been going to sit down with someone else, or taking it outside to share with half a dozen of your mates. Which is why I don't think he was commenting on YOU versus CAKE per se, he was just talking about the cake. I'm a disordered eater as well and I know it can make you over sensitive to any mentions of food or weight, but I think in this case it might be a you thing, rather than a him thing.

I would have hated that comment too. It’s nobody’s business what I’m eating, so mind your own and be quiet. A few years ago I ordered a decaff cappuccino with chocolate sprinkles in Costa and a male member of staff who was busying himself in the background, started muttering about how chocolate contained caffeine so why have a decaff coffee? I wished I had responded afterwards but at the time just wanted to get the coffee and be on my way🤷🏻‍♀️

Although I do hate comments from strangers that seem personal (smile love 🤬) I sometimes think we are heading to a world (or at least parts of England) where people will start wearing Do not Disturb signs, like a hotel.

What part of the country was it? I definitely think there are different levels of acceptable interaction depending on geography. What age group was he?

I totally get why people don't want comments on anything, let alone food or eating habits... but on the other hand I think it's pretty normal to make trivial comments to strangers who you are forced into close proximity with. I think that hearing someone's voice, especially if they say something cheerful and uplifting with a nice voice, can sort of "break the ice" and reassure you that the person next to you is normal and not angry.

That last sentence is spot on.

What is the world coming to when someone can't make innocent, friendly small talk without people finding it offensive. You have your reasons why his comment was triggering but this man did nothing wrong.

People of a certain age will know it’s a well known catch phrase associated with yummy looking cakes. Actually fuck all to do with you personally. He was just saying something nice to pass the day. Jeez people now are so touchy and think everything is about them… 🙄

Only if you take offence at everything.

I agree, he was probably just being friendly. but I don't agree that we shouldn't police language, that's a bit broad! Plus, there are laws against it! 🤔

Up north (my home), there'd be a full on conversation, probably. Down south, if you so much as dare glance at someone on the Tube, it's perceived as appalling (not by everyone!) I said good morning to everyone on my walk yesterday. 99% of people responded, had a full on chat with someone-it was a dog walk, we've seen each other a few times, he wanted to know where my other one was. There are definite differences, I find.

Not everyone under the age of 45 takes offence to these kinds of things. It’s very individual.