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Original poster

I know I was wrong to judge but how would you react ?

167 replies

thickandcreamy · 07/05/2025 20:20

My best friend (45) was recently away for a long weekend in another country with one of her uni friends . She met a guy she fancied and told friend to head back to hotel alone as she wanted to stay out with this guy she had met .

a few hours later best friend returned to hotel with the guy and had sex with him while her friend was in the other single bed beside them .

when she told me this , I spoke without thinking and I do admit I was judgemental, i probably should of said nothing . But I told her that I thought what she did was grim, and it was out of order bringing a stranger back to a room without consulting her friend and even worse she had sex with him with her friend asleep in the next bed . I said if I was said friend I would be questioning how much she values their friendship for her to dump her for a one night stand whilst on a girls trip in a foreign country.

she is now annoyed at me for what I said .

am I clutching my pearls too tightly or am I right in thinking it was grim ?

OP posts:
Neetra30 · 08/05/2025 08:15

Look at the end of the day its between @thickandcreamy and her best friend.
Because OP has made her viewpoint clear, judgement and all now both of them will be revaluating their friendship and thinking about whether they have enough understanding and common grounds to continue her friendship.
Her friend confided in OP because she trusted her. She might not look at her in the same way.
And to be fair I wouldn't blame her.
Friendships are about understanding,positivity and helping each other thrive. If one feels judged, criticised for their choices and made to feel worse then what's the point?

Finallydoingit24 · 08/05/2025 08:18

Neetra30 · 08/05/2025 08:15

Look at the end of the day its between @thickandcreamy and her best friend.
Because OP has made her viewpoint clear, judgement and all now both of them will be revaluating their friendship and thinking about whether they have enough understanding and common grounds to continue her friendship.
Her friend confided in OP because she trusted her. She might not look at her in the same way.
And to be fair I wouldn't blame her.
Friendships are about understanding,positivity and helping each other thrive. If one feels judged, criticised for their choices and made to feel worse then what's the point?

Does the same apply if your friend tells you she’s started defrauding old people? Or that she hits her children? Or is it only sexual behaviour that can’t be criticised?

Neetra30 · 08/05/2025 08:19

Finallydoingit24 · 08/05/2025 08:18

Does the same apply if your friend tells you she’s started defrauding old people? Or that she hits her children? Or is it only sexual behaviour that can’t be criticised?

Show quote history

But her friend is not defrauding people or committing child abuse?
Why are you bringing in hypothetical situations into this?

Rosscameasdoody · 08/05/2025 08:20

thickandcreamy · 07/05/2025 20:59

@Neetra30i agree. I was wrong to impose my morals on her . She genuinely is a fantastic person & friend . I suppose she thought she could confide in me .
But she didn’t seemed phased about what she did at all . She was laughing telling me what she did .
But I could tell she wasn’t happy with my reaction.

TBH OP l think you were right to react as you did. She’s your BF and it sends the message that if you’re ever in the position of sharing a room on holiday together she can find somewhere else to take her ONS. I think if she brings it up again you should remind her of how reckless it was. She didn’t know the guy but for the sake of a ONS put herself and her friend in danger by bringing him back to their room.

WhatATimeToBeAlive · 08/05/2025 08:24

Neetra30 · 07/05/2025 20:54

It is a bit grim.
But @thickandcreamy you were wrong to impose your morals and thoughts and make her feel more shit.
I'm sure she knows it was a bit grim. But as a friend she needs understanding not criticism or judgement.

Well her friend imposed her own alley cat morals on her other friend, didn't she? It's grim - absolutely no-one on here has said it was acceptable.

Twiglets1 · 08/05/2025 08:24

That is very grim.

My cousin told me the same thing happened to her on an 18-30 holiday (not sure if they still exist?) She was the one sleeping in bed when her friend came in with a strange man and proceeded to have sex. She had to pretend to be asleep.

Horrible thing for the "friend" to do... I couldn't stay friends with someone who had so little concern for other people's feelings.

Finallydoingit24 · 08/05/2025 08:26

Neetra30 · 08/05/2025 08:19

But her friend is not defrauding people or committing child abuse?
Why are you bringing in hypothetical situations into this?

Show quote history

No but she’s putting her friend’s safety at massive risk by bringing back a dude she has met literal hours ago and now this man is in their hotel room where the friend is sleeping. Do you not see the gigantic risks of this? As well as having sex in front of a person who did not consent to witnessing this (and I’d be pretty sure she heard but pretended to sleep because there’s no option).
So that behaviour is morally reprehensible because it’s so shit to the friend. The reason I used hypotheticals was that you said what’s the point of a friendship if you get judged for stuff. Well some stuff is definitely worth judging for because it hurts others (like this does). Ditto stuff like drunk driving - I wouldn’t just sit and smile if a friend told me she was doing that.

Also this isn’t a good friend. A good friend would have gone without a shag to avoid putting her friend at risk and in a disgusting situation.

AthWat · 08/05/2025 08:26

Neetra30 · 08/05/2025 08:15

Look at the end of the day its between @thickandcreamy and her best friend.
Because OP has made her viewpoint clear, judgement and all now both of them will be revaluating their friendship and thinking about whether they have enough understanding and common grounds to continue her friendship.
Her friend confided in OP because she trusted her. She might not look at her in the same way.
And to be fair I wouldn't blame her.
Friendships are about understanding,positivity and helping each other thrive. If one feels judged, criticised for their choices and made to feel worse then what's the point?

This is the one of the most ridiculous things I ever read.

What's the point in confiding in people if they are just going to tell you you are right, whatever the hell you did? You have a very odd view of the world if you go to a friend and say "what do you think of this", they say "You were wrong there" and your reaction is to reevaluate the friendship.
Positivity be fucked. If people are wrong they are wrong.

Rosscameasdoody · 08/05/2025 08:27

Neetra30 · 08/05/2025 08:15

Look at the end of the day its between @thickandcreamy and her best friend.
Because OP has made her viewpoint clear, judgement and all now both of them will be revaluating their friendship and thinking about whether they have enough understanding and common grounds to continue her friendship.
Her friend confided in OP because she trusted her. She might not look at her in the same way.
And to be fair I wouldn't blame her.
Friendships are about understanding,positivity and helping each other thrive. If one feels judged, criticised for their choices and made to feel worse then what's the point?

The point is that if someone whose opinion she values tells it like it is, it might make her think twice next time about putting herself and others at risk like this. That she had so little respect for her friend as to have sex in the next bed while she was sleeping is one thing. That she had so little regard for both their safety by bringing a stranger back to their room late at night is something else entirely.

AthWat · 08/05/2025 08:28

WhatATimeToBeAlive · 08/05/2025 08:24

Well her friend imposed her own alley cat morals on her other friend, didn't she? It's grim - absolutely no-one on here has said it was acceptable.

Show quote history

It's not even about morals - it's about simple consideration for others.

godmum56 · 08/05/2025 08:29

GravyBoatWars · 07/05/2025 21:42

You've set up a bit of a false dichotomy at the end of your post, there.

I agree it's grim, and thinking that when hearing the story (and feeling whatever you felt) is fine and not really something you can control.

Your actions are separate from that. Staying quiet or being far more tactful in how you shared your views were absolutely options even if your friend was wrong to do what she did originally. Your best friend divulged something personal to someone she trusted (about a situation that you weren't involved in and there was no ongoing harm to put a stop to) and that friend responded with what sounds like some pretty intense and unsolicited judgement. When we do that we always run the risk that it will drive the person away - people don't tend to want to be vulnerable with or be close with people they think will judge them or who look down on them. I don't know if that risk was worth speaking your mind (you'll have to decide) but own your own behavior separately from what she did.

drive her away? I should blooming well hope so!

Schoolchoicesucks · 08/05/2025 08:35

It doesn't sound as though the friend was "confiding" something, she didn't appear to be asking for advice or support but rather to be recounting something that took place.

I would have had a similar reaction to OP. I would find it very disrespectful to the friend she was sharing a room with. If she hadn't shown any regret when telling the story - in a "can't believe what I did, must have been drunk, got carried away, thank goodness friend didn't wake up' way then it would have shown me how little consideration she has for friends. And I certainly wouldn't be planning trips away with her where we were sharing rooms.

If you are long term friends then of course you can apologise if you came across as judging her too harshly. But I wouldn't be apologising for finding her reactions a bit grim, self-centred and inconsiderate.

OhHellolittleone · 08/05/2025 08:40

thickandcreamy · 07/05/2025 20:20

My best friend (45) was recently away for a long weekend in another country with one of her uni friends . She met a guy she fancied and told friend to head back to hotel alone as she wanted to stay out with this guy she had met .

a few hours later best friend returned to hotel with the guy and had sex with him while her friend was in the other single bed beside them .

when she told me this , I spoke without thinking and I do admit I was judgemental, i probably should of said nothing . But I told her that I thought what she did was grim, and it was out of order bringing a stranger back to a room without consulting her friend and even worse she had sex with him with her friend asleep in the next bed . I said if I was said friend I would be questioning how much she values their friendship for her to dump her for a one night stand whilst on a girls trip in a foreign country.

she is now annoyed at me for what I said .

am I clutching my pearls too tightly or am I right in thinking it was grim ?

Why is it wrong to judge? Generally we say not to judge in situations where you don’t know all the facts or someone has acted
in a way because of something you have no experience. In this case, you understand enough to make a judgement on her actions … you’ve judged them to be gross. I do too.

Didshejustsaythatoutloud · 08/05/2025 08:43

Ewwww, gross

Rosscameasdoody · 08/05/2025 08:43

Neetra30 · 08/05/2025 08:19

But her friend is not defrauding people or committing child abuse?
Why are you bringing in hypothetical situations into this?

Show quote history

Because the friend didn’t expect judgement from OP - there was an expectation of support regardless of her actions, simply because they’re friends. She found the situation worthy of retelling for entertainment with no acknowledgement that her behaviour put both herself and another person at serious risk. That would be enough for me to question her judgement as a ‘mature’ adult and take a step back from her.

Vaxtable · 08/05/2025 08:46

YANBU. Really grim. I wouldn’t be going away with her

florizel13 · 08/05/2025 08:46

pizzaHeart · 07/05/2025 20:33

You didn’t judge - you just pointed out a few obvious facts. If your friend can’t handle plain truth she shouldn’t talk to people about things she’s done.
I can’t believe she is 45 tbh.

Us middle aged women are the worst imo 😄 I bet the guy was from the country she went to, and younger than her 😅 not that I’m condoning carrying on with her friend in the next bed…that’s out of order!

Bobbyewingshowerscene · 08/05/2025 08:48

proximalhumerous · 07/05/2025 22:05

I remember in my early 20s after a house party piling into the host's bedroom with maybe four other people, all rather drunk. I somehow ended up snogging the guy who was next to me on the floor. Even then, I stopped it pretty sharpish because I was conscious of the other people in the room. To actually have sex when sharing a hotel room with a friend and you're in your 40s is totally unacceptable.

Why didn't they go back to his?

Coz mum or wife were there

TwistedWonder · 08/05/2025 08:50

It’s absolutely grim and no one is that desperate for a shag.

I went to a music weekend years ago on a holiday park and woke up with my roommate giving a bloke a BJ in the single bed next to me.
And this couple were both pushing 50 at this point

GoYonSanNiIchi · 08/05/2025 08:56

Grim

And also unreasonable to be sharing a room

Mummyoflittledragon · 08/05/2025 08:59

ThrowAwayHooray · 08/05/2025 05:58

Forget the fact it’s grim or whatever, there’s a safety aspect to this.

If your friend wants to have a one night stand then that’s her lookout but she let a strange man into the room where her friend was asleep and therefore oblivious; one punch is all it would’ve taken to knock your friend out and then her friend would have been defenceless to this man.

I don’t know many women who would feel safe with a strange man being let into their room while they slept to be honest.

If your friend wants to take risks with her own safety then that’s her choice but how dare she put her friend at risk; we all know the statistics.

The safety risk was also my first thought. I’d be fuming. Much more unhappy about that than the sex.

LadyBracknellsHandbagg · 08/05/2025 09:03

heroinechic · 07/05/2025 21:31

It was a grim thing to do but you shamed your friend and that was unnecessary. You weren’t the friend involved, you didn’t need to comment. You say you spoke without thinking but you had a lot to say!

It sounds like she could do with a bit of shaming, she gave absolutely no thought to the friend that was in the room, what a grim, revolting thing to do. Do you just endorse anything and everything for fear of being seen to shame someone? How odd.

myheadsjustmush · 08/05/2025 09:14

Ugh that is GRIM.

And my guess is the friend wasn't sleeping - they probably woke up and pretended to be.

It's gross and disrespectful. IMHO.

mrpenny · 08/05/2025 09:22

Neetra30 · 07/05/2025 20:54

It is a bit grim.
But @thickandcreamy you were wrong to impose your morals and thoughts and make her feel more shit.
I'm sure she knows it was a bit grim. But as a friend she needs understanding not criticism or judgement.

Yeah, that works both ways….

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 08/05/2025 09:24

TheSlantedOwl · 07/05/2025 21:23

Worse than grim. The friend was put it that sexualised situation without her consent.

This! Could it be viewed as a type of sexual abuse. It’s forced voyerism (sp?), isn’t it. I’m not prude myself believe me. However I would not want to hear see and smell people having sex inches away from me. Also she is trying to further embarrass her friend, why did she even have to mention the friend to you at all. All she had to say was. “Oh I shagged this fellah on holiday”.