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Original poster

I know I was wrong to judge but how would you react ?

167 replies

thickandcreamy · 07/05/2025 20:20

My best friend (45) was recently away for a long weekend in another country with one of her uni friends . She met a guy she fancied and told friend to head back to hotel alone as she wanted to stay out with this guy she had met .

a few hours later best friend returned to hotel with the guy and had sex with him while her friend was in the other single bed beside them .

when she told me this , I spoke without thinking and I do admit I was judgemental, i probably should of said nothing . But I told her that I thought what she did was grim, and it was out of order bringing a stranger back to a room without consulting her friend and even worse she had sex with him with her friend asleep in the next bed . I said if I was said friend I would be questioning how much she values their friendship for her to dump her for a one night stand whilst on a girls trip in a foreign country.

she is now annoyed at me for what I said .

am I clutching my pearls too tightly or am I right in thinking it was grim ?

OP posts:
namechangeGOT · 07/05/2025 21:29

It’s not the shagging him that’s grim - good for her in that regard. It’s the shagging him in a room where her friend was sleeping. In fact, it’s not just grim it’s embarrassingly cheap. Also, who on Earth would have good sex when their mate is laid comatose in slumber next to them? So, not only grim but also probably grim sex. I’d judge her and wouldn’t give a shit if she had the face on for it.

heroinechic · 07/05/2025 21:31

It was a grim thing to do but you shamed your friend and that was unnecessary. You weren’t the friend involved, you didn’t need to comment. You say you spoke without thinking but you had a lot to say!

Tulipsontoast · 07/05/2025 21:32

I would also judge

KarmaKameelion · 07/05/2025 21:35

Grim. Unsafe. What was she thinking?

Someone2025 · 07/05/2025 21:35

thickandcreamy · 07/05/2025 20:30

@ShaunaSadekiShe said her friend slept through it all

I doubt she did but what was she supposed to do…..

Someone2025 · 07/05/2025 21:36

thickandcreamy · 07/05/2025 20:20

My best friend (45) was recently away for a long weekend in another country with one of her uni friends . She met a guy she fancied and told friend to head back to hotel alone as she wanted to stay out with this guy she had met .

a few hours later best friend returned to hotel with the guy and had sex with him while her friend was in the other single bed beside them .

when she told me this , I spoke without thinking and I do admit I was judgemental, i probably should of said nothing . But I told her that I thought what she did was grim, and it was out of order bringing a stranger back to a room without consulting her friend and even worse she had sex with him with her friend asleep in the next bed . I said if I was said friend I would be questioning how much she values their friendship for her to dump her for a one night stand whilst on a girls trip in a foreign country.

she is now annoyed at me for what I said .

am I clutching my pearls too tightly or am I right in thinking it was grim ?

Grim, I have heard similar tales but the people that were involved were around 20 years younger, 45 is too old for this crap, her poor friend, how did she know she wouldn’t have woken up

GravyBoatWars · 07/05/2025 21:42

You've set up a bit of a false dichotomy at the end of your post, there.

I agree it's grim, and thinking that when hearing the story (and feeling whatever you felt) is fine and not really something you can control.

Your actions are separate from that. Staying quiet or being far more tactful in how you shared your views were absolutely options even if your friend was wrong to do what she did originally. Your best friend divulged something personal to someone she trusted (about a situation that you weren't involved in and there was no ongoing harm to put a stop to) and that friend responded with what sounds like some pretty intense and unsolicited judgement. When we do that we always run the risk that it will drive the person away - people don't tend to want to be vulnerable with or be close with people they think will judge them or who look down on them. I don't know if that risk was worth speaking your mind (you'll have to decide) but own your own behavior separately from what she did.

Pallisers · 07/05/2025 21:43

Grim. Her friend was certainly not asleep. And how bloody unsafe for the friend to have a random strange man in the same room as her if she was asleep. Awful.

What would be the appropriate response to this story I wonder? If you don't tell a friend that that is bad behaviour what else would you let pass?

ThisLovingTiger · 07/05/2025 21:51

It was very inconsiderate, and I'd be questioning my friendship someone so inconsiderate to be honest.
I wouldn't like to have an unknown aroused man in my room in the middle of the night.
She can sleep with whomever she wishes but she shouldn't violate the personal, private space of her friend who had paid to have a safe place to sleep that night.

Sassybooklover · 07/05/2025 22:05

No you're not a 'pearl clutcher'! It's grim behaviour. If your friend was staying in a room on her own, fair enough, bring a harem back if she wants! To bring a bloke back for sex, with her friend asleep in the next bed, is just yuk. That showed a complete lack of consideration, and respect for her friendship. Unless the friend was wearing ear plugs, is a deep sleeper or deaf, then no doubt she heard it all too!! 🤢 No one wants that. Your friend might be annoyed with you, but actually she should have been called out for her behaviour.

proximalhumerous · 07/05/2025 22:05

I remember in my early 20s after a house party piling into the host's bedroom with maybe four other people, all rather drunk. I somehow ended up snogging the guy who was next to me on the floor. Even then, I stopped it pretty sharpish because I was conscious of the other people in the room. To actually have sex when sharing a hotel room with a friend and you're in your 40s is totally unacceptable.

Why didn't they go back to his?

IberianBlackout · 07/05/2025 22:25

We listen and we definitely judge. That was wrong of her on a few different levels.

BellesAndGraces · 07/05/2025 22:32

Neetra30 · 07/05/2025 20:54

It is a bit grim.
But @thickandcreamy you were wrong to impose your morals and thoughts and make her feel more shit.
I'm sure she knows it was a bit grim. But as a friend she needs understanding not criticism or judgement.

Fair enough if it was just an acquaintance, but I think part of being a good friend is telling them when they have behaved appallingly, not just laughing along because you don’t want to make them feel worse. My very old and dear friends would not have hesitated to tell me that was grim and I would actually pay attention to what they said because I know they love me and want what’s best for me.

nobodywantsit · 07/05/2025 22:37

Yeah it’s grim and I thought it was grim when I was 17 and there was loads of that going on.
No judgment at all on a ONS or holiday fling but shagging with your mate in the next bed is really skanky.

Auntiebean · 07/05/2025 22:38

Grim

jealy · 07/05/2025 22:41

eww grim and your username is not helping

ItGhoul · 07/05/2025 22:42

Absolutely fine to shag someone, but not fine to bring him back to a shared hotel room and even less fine to bring him back to a shared hotel room in which a friend is sleeping.

I also suspect her friend didn’t sleep through the whole thing at all, and was probably just pretending to be asleep because she was utterly mortified and didn’t know what else to do.

I’d never judge someone for having casual sex, but I would judge someone for treating a mate like shit, which is what your friend did.

MrsPlantagenet · 07/05/2025 22:43

Judge away, that’s utterly grim. And at 45! For shame.

Lnew · 07/05/2025 22:48

indeed very grim behaviour. Firstly to leave a friend on a night out - especially abroad and then more importantly to have sex with a completely unknown man in a room where her friend was sleeping. I bet she didn’t sleep through it and I bet she’ll be distancing herself.

Iwiicit · 07/05/2025 22:54

Revolting and utterly offensive behaviour. I'd go as far as to say that, as the friend was subjected to this against her will and out of her control, it's sexual abuse.

Bobbyewingshowerscene · 07/05/2025 22:56

You had me at being in a room with a likely intoxicated, unknown adult man, late at night in a foreign country.

At 19/20 probably wouldn’t have batted an eyelid
At 49 I’d be terrified of that in itself.

Bobbyewingshowerscene · 07/05/2025 22:57

Iwiicit · 07/05/2025 22:54

Revolting and utterly offensive behaviour. I'd go as far as to say that, as the friend was subjected to this against her will and out of her control, it's sexual abuse.

Not sure it’s sexual abuse per se , but it’s an abuse of something for sure

BlondiePortz · 07/05/2025 23:00

Neetra30 · 07/05/2025 20:54

It is a bit grim.
But @thickandcreamy you were wrong to impose your morals and thoughts and make her feel more shit.
I'm sure she knows it was a bit grim. But as a friend she needs understanding not criticism or judgement.

Understanding of what? the friend made a choice, women make these dont they?

but seperate to that I was not the friend nor the person stuck in the room with the shaggers so cant say I have an opinion either way - if I was the one in the room I would be vety vocal about and the last time I would see the shagger

FiendsandFairies · 07/05/2025 23:03

That’s really selfish and shady behaviour. I wouldn’t want a friend like that.

Mickeychampionwhatgoodami · 07/05/2025 23:30

Imagine doing that to a friend or anyone else for that matter.
If they were enthusiastic the friend definitely didn't sleep through it.