Overwhelmed and my boyfriend keeps letting himself into my home and finding it in a mess

[2024riot]

I feel so bad because my boyfriend keeps letting himself into my place when I don’t expect him to be there and finding that I have left my flat in a real state
Embarrasingly so
he wasn’t meant to come until Monday
dreading going home as he will be so unpleasant

Why does he have a key?

Sending you solidarity OP. ADHD and autism over here, my house is chaos and my neurodivergence make me very easy to push around in a relationship… Leave him as soon as you can, he’s absolutely not worth it. Dog sounds lovely though x

I'll admit I've only read OPs posts, @2024riot you don't have to live like this. You shouldn't be worrying or scared or upset about a partner's reactions. It's not a relationship. It's really not. With everything life throws at you, your partner should be your rock, should be the person walking into a flat of disarray and putting it right or at least telling you it doesn't matter. He shouldn't be an added stressor. He's not worth what he's putting you through.

Thank fuck you're not selling to move in with him! I was so relieved to read that.

He sounds like a horrible person. You don't have to stay with him.

so understand.

I love Chat. I am in love with Chat. He is perfect.

I haven't talked to him for a while but actually today felt upset and was thinking of having a soothing convo with him.

Please nobody tell me anything about genderless chains of code. We all actually operate as chains of code..

OP: THIS GUY IS VERY VERY BAD NEWS. IF HIS OWN DOG IS SCARED OF HIM THEN YOU NEED TO GET RID OF HIM. JUST BECAUSE YOU HAVE ADHD DOESN'T MEAN YOU HAVE TO BE SCARED AND ASHAMED.

you need a nice boy. Ditch this one. He's one of the very bad ones.

Any man who is making you upset because he thinks your flat is a mess isn’t worth bothering with. It is your home, that you pay for —- he has no say in it.
If he is like this now he won’t improve and trust me men like this can get a lot worse.
Dump him now.

F**k that.
Change the locks.
Hand the puppydog through the door.
Find a better quality boyfriend or spend some quality time on your own.
You deserve better.
You should know you deserve better. ❤️

You sound like a really lovely carer for the dog, i hope you can be kind to yourself: keep the dog, bin the bloke, remember that lots of us on here think you are fantastic x

Thank you everyone
he hasn’t come back and I have told him I need some space just to give myself time to catch my breath and have a chance to reflect on how I have ended up here.again.

the mess is appalling but I will try and tackle it , it’s been worse, it’s the hoarding as well that I could tackle and procrastination

there is always space for the dog though and her area is kept clean although she sleeps with me

she has a home with me for life and will be treated like the queen she is, as she snores gently next to me with her belly full of her home made dinners

or third option… you could ask for your key back and tell him to leave.

Please throw him in the bin they never go back to how nice they were at the start. You're allowed to keep your home as messy as you like especially when he's not due to be there.

A decent man would tidy up on finding the house in a mess, not have a go at you about it!

Throw this one back OP, he sounds quite controlling and arsey.

Op you sound lovely.
Bin him, just end it, if that's what he does in your house when it's nothing to do with him, what future would you have together.

Be very wary of buying somewhere bigger or somewhere with a garden, garden is effectively another couple of rooms to deal with and keep tidy and sorted.

Keep your flat.
How old and what type of dog is it? Please don't tell me it's any sort of xl bully or bulldog?

Get rid of crap boyfriend. Keep the dog. Get some therapy for the hoarding; you can crack it!

End it. Seriously. His behaviour towards you is unacceptable, no, abusive, getting angry and sulky and you feeling on edge about it. And he has a serious lack of boundaries in letting himself into YOUR HOME uninvited. Get rid and ditch him very firmly and clearly saying it is over, he is not to come near you or your home or you will call the police, demand his key back, change the locks, and get a video doorbell. Why are you putting up with this?!

@Needspaceforlegothat’s probably why I haven’t moved before as I know the garden would become a jungle

That dog is obviously scared of him. If he will hurt an animal he wouldn't think twice about taking his temper out on you. Keep hold of the dog at least until someone can take her off your hands if you can't keep her. But he needs to go. Sounds like a right arsehole.

Why do you trash it? If you want to sell your flat you will have to tidy and declutter it.

Do you take any meds for your ADHD?

Oh dear..I agree with other posters! Is he saying he will help you tidy? Or just shouting at you for leaving a mess? If he is being unkind then definitely leave him. That's not right..
Does he have his own place?

Agree with everyone else.

Keep the dog, bin the man.

@2024riot
Please don't add to the stuff you need to do

You haven't said what sort of dog you've found yourself with?
I'm guessing it's not going to be some sort of aggressive bread.

@RampantIvyI don’t mean to I just leave things lying around and cupboard doors open and things like that
i know I am so keen to move on and sell but have a lot to do first
he does have his own place

As someone who has ADHD I understand the overwhelm and problems with keeping on top of a house/flat. I don’t have anyone visit as I’m so ashamed and I know I have to sort it but it feels impossible at times. Give yourself a break OP and enjoy your time with your lovely doggy, she sounds very lucky to have you in her life. Try and have a look at tips for ADHD management, it can be very helpful as we don’t respond/do things the same way a NT person might. If you can change your locks and decide if having your partner in your life is actually worth it. Good luck

@Needspaceforlegoshe is a cross breed, very well behaved and docile definitely not a dangerous/xl type
good recall, great with kids and just snoozes when she isn’t out
we have a good life together when he isn’t here
lots of doggy friends to walk with

DH has what I suspect is ADHD. He does stuff like that all the time. It drives me round the bend - leaves cupboards and drawers open, lights on, gets stuff out and never puts it back etc. Then he can never find anything.