Overwhelmed and my boyfriend keeps letting himself into my home and finding it in a mess

[2024riot]

I feel so bad because my boyfriend keeps letting himself into my place when I don’t expect him to be there and finding that I have left my flat in a real state
Embarrasingly so
he wasn’t meant to come until Monday
dreading going home as he will be so unpleasant

Take your key back.

Forget the housework for the moment. It will be easier when you aren’t spending time and energy stressing about him.

You need to discreetly find out if the dog’s Choo is up to date. Maybe suggest you could try and get it changed to your number in case she gets lost?

Then when you move don’t tell him where you are. Why would you stay with a man who isn’t kind to his dog.

so what if it is? Its OPs house and she lived in it before this awful man came along and started criticising her. And he likely didnt criticise her in the early days either.

If she has ADHD she may well have an abandonment issue - they often go hand in hand and makes people very easy to abuse, because she will be running hoops not to make him leave, even though its likely adding to the overwhelm and anxiety, which is adding to the inability to get on top of the mess.

OP - do you have anyone you can talk to, professionally, about this? Do you work? some employers have access to workplace councelling etc, that might be able to help you firstly get a grip on your home, if its upsetting to YOU that is, and also some assertivemness/ self confidence to know that you dont have to accept this. Its nasty. He is nasty.

Do you want the dog? Do you like it? would he be difficul;t if you took it - use it as an excuse to not let you make the break from him?

Please change your locks and block him. You don’t need to live in fear op.

Forget the mess OP, you are entitled to live as you please. You are not the problem.

He is using you to look after his dog, and limiting your freedom by doing so. It is a means of control, as is his criticism and belittling. He has upset you intentionally.

He is abusive, and you need to get rid of him immediately. Have the locks changed, hand back the dog or rehome as necessary, but get out now, because he will only get worse. You can call the police and ask them to help you remove him if you think he will resist.

I hope you have some support in real life.

There was a lot of press a year or two ago about pet rescue centres being full, post covid and Trussonomics. Not sure if that is still true. Also not sure if a centre would accept a dog without being clear that ot either belonged to OP or that it had been abandoned by its owner.

You can’t stay with someone who is cruel to animals and cruel to you. The untidy flat isn’t the issue - it’s just a stick to beat you with.
The issue is the bad man you are with. Please change the locks, keep the dog safe and get rid of this dreadful person.

Change the locks
Change the locks
Change the locks

You can call out 24/7 locksmiths - bit on the pricey side in the evening but it could be done by bedtime

Worth every penny.

Get rid. He is not supportive of your ADHD therefore he’s not supportive of you.

“Hey Bf, can I just see your key a minute?”

Take and put in pocket.

“Thanks. I’d like you to get your stuff and go now. Friend/ Mum/ Dad/ Cousin are on Their way round so no drama please. Just go”.

Sounds like the OP is just staying with him for the dog

the dog is safe with me he won’t take even out of spite Im even on her chip as she is with me so much more and have paid for everything for her
we have a happy life together
we go camping and walking and to the beach
I need to tackle my self esteem and the flat so I can put it on the market and move
i wouldn’t marry anyone and or have kids with him
but thank you everyone
lots of food for thought about sorting my life out

This man is NOT a safe person.

He doesn't have your best interests at heart. Get your keys back and dump the loser. You deserve way better than this!

He isn’t here he has fucked off in a huff I can use the other lock so he can’t get in

I bet it would seem less overwhelming to start if you weren't being dragged down by a horrible boyfriend

He's left the dog with her for months. He doesn't seem to actually want the dog. She could certainly argue that he gave her the dog.

I’m messy ( or maybe he would say I’m a slob) & nothing to do with ADHD.

The main issue here isn’t your messy ways though, it’s the fact he is nasty to you. You should reconsider your relationship @2024riot is he making you happy? If not then it would be better to be single.

Perhaps tidying away your boyfriend might be the best step towards having a perfect home?

@2024riot are you unhappy living in the mess? Is it bad enough to be a threat to your health?

If the answer is 'no' to each and you are worrying about keeping it tidy for the sake of other people - then don't worry so much. It is your home.

Only share it with someone who is happy there. The dog seems a perfect companion. Your (ex?) boyfriend does not!

If you are unhappy with the place yourself - it might be worth thinking through some changes to make it easier to care for... and starting out by saving up for and using a deep clean from a pro.

Don't get too stressed about mess (unless dangerous to life). It isn't a crime to be messy :)

Keep the dog and dump the knob

@LiesDoNotBecomeUs it’s more the hassle of tidying up and then trashing it when someone comes over
I don’t enjoy it but it’s all I know
no it’s not a health hazard just very disordered

Dump him, he sounds bloody horrible!

My ex is an anally tidy Virgo. I'm not. It's clean, but not show home tidy.
He'd come to my house, walk in (with me there), look around, shake his head, and laugh.
I always said "My house, my rules."
He just did it to wind me up.
It's your home. If you're scared to go home because of his reaction, there's a very easy solution to that. Bin him off.
Unless you're living in the same house, it's none of his business.

instead I will be making him dinner, apologising for the worst bits of myself and I know he will have dogs about how he thinks I am cheating on him

Jesus OP, the more you explain the worse he sounds.

Please get rid. You sound very vulnerable. And find a great woman therapist to guide you into your own fabulous space in your head going forward.

OP please try to find the strength to leave him.

Your update with your dog sounds lovely.

Take your keys back asap!

OP it is not just the dog he isn’t kind too is it? Some people are nasty bullies, and the thing about bullies is they look for and find people ( and animals) that they perceive as weaker than they are. Sadly your bf seems to fit this pattern.

I think you , and the dog, deserve better. You sound like a kind and thoughtful person, I hope you find someone who appreciates your excellent qualities and understands and works with you to manage your shortcomings.