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Original poster

Overwhelmed and my boyfriend keeps letting himself into my home and finding it in a mess

306 replies

2024riot · 01/05/2025 16:36

I feel so bad because my boyfriend keeps letting himself into my place when I don’t expect him to be there and finding that I have left my flat in a real state
Embarrasingly so
he wasn’t meant to come until Monday
dreading going home as he will be so unpleasant

OP posts:
femfemlicious · 01/05/2025 17:57

BrightOrangeDahlias · 01/05/2025 17:19

Op you sound like you've started to make a lovely life you and doggo, with your trips to the park and new friends. He doesn't deserve you - I can promise your life will be much lighter if you're not worrying about managing his moods and defending yourself from his jibes.

He's going to take the dog back😞

Serenitestorm · 01/05/2025 17:58

Watching this thread as I want to hear what happens when the OP gets home. I really hope she’s ok and posts an update.

Listen to what’s being said here.
You are not legally/family tied to this man.
This will not get any better.
You will live apologising for yourself and on edge.
He is not a catch.
It is not ok to have a dread of going home.
Please send him out of your space, he will not bring you contentedness or happiness

PragmaticIsh · 01/05/2025 17:58

Completely understand the overwhelm, it's hard keeping on top of everything and you don't deserve to be judged in your own home!!

The dog has been hurt physically or emotionally by him, which is sickening.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Relationship problems
HowToBuy · 01/05/2025 17:58

Oh girl, I can hear the pain in your posts.

This man is nasty to you, he’s nasty to the dog.

Take back your key and keep the dog. Can you do that this evening? Just ask him to leave?

how long have you been together?

Trabbling · 01/05/2025 18:00

Omfg, what a complete and utter wanker.

A good relationship makes your life better - you look forward to seeing the person and spending time with them. They build you up, not tear you down.

Seriously, what good things is he bringing to your life? You'll be so relieved if you get rid of him.

MsJinks · 01/05/2025 18:01

Keep the dog, and dump the guy is my first thought, but it's not that simple. Basically he's got you and his dog in a home where he can just go round and be horrible to you both - like his stress relief hobby, his outlet of his nastiness.
It is true that those who are ok with being cruel to animals will have no real issue being cruel to humans. You actually have the dog because you worry about it going home with him - you need to worry about yourself too and not let him round.
I'd change the locks and get the dog taken to a rehoming centre with full details of why - if you kept the dog he'd use it as an excuse to see you/attack you etc.
I know it's hard, but the dog deserves better, and you see this, please see you deserve better as well.

Original poster
2024riot · 01/05/2025 18:10

He has gone before I got back because he was in such a huff about the flat
it wasn’t even as bad as I thought it would be
so took the dog out and had a good think

OP posts:
Discombobble · 01/05/2025 18:10

2024riot · 01/05/2025 17:11

I know actually verbalising it to myself makes me realise how horrible it is
I did have a picnic planned for myself and the dog and we were going to go over the park so she could play with her ball and catch up with all the friends I have made since I had her
instead I will be making him dinner, apologising for the worst bits of myself and I know he will have dogs about how he thinks I am cheating on him

Do with your evening what you would have done if he wasn’t there - he wasn’t invited tonight, don’t let him invade your plans

Original poster
2024riot · 01/05/2025 18:11

FortyElephants · 01/05/2025 17:51

Not if the visitor only picks the dog up on the doorstep

There is a lot of minimising of the OP's home conditions on this thread because people are rightly outraged at the boyfriend's shit behaviour. But if the home is genuinely in a very poor condition then you'll be much happier if you get a handle on it OP.

Show quote history

I would be a million times happier if I could crack the cycle of tidy up mess up tidy up it takes up so much of my time and energy

OP posts:
VeryStressedMum · 01/05/2025 18:12

You seem like a lovely person but your boyfriend is an a*hole and quite frankly sounds abusive. You are scared to go home because of his reaction when he lets himself in to your home without permission. Also he is not nice to his dog - that's not a good person.
I hope you keep the dog and get rid of him

Original poster
2024riot · 01/05/2025 18:13

AFrolicOfMyOwn · 01/05/2025 17:28

Why are you selling your flat, @2024riot?

I sincerely hope you’re not planning to move in with this depressing specimen of manhood or buy anywhere with him?

Apart from that it sounds as if you’ve been carrying the expense of housing and feeding his dog for some time?

No I want a garden for the dog she isn’t going anywhere she is far too bonded to me

OP posts:
Cynic17 · 01/05/2025 18:13

Definitely change the locks.
Then ditch the awful boyfriend.

SheilaFentiman · 01/05/2025 18:14

Wouldn’t it be theft if OP kept the dog? I’m not sure why everyone is suggesting this.

isthatmyage · 01/05/2025 18:14

OP I despair if you really think his behaviour is acceptable. Just how much money have you saved him by looking after his dog, regardless if you like to or not? He sounds an absolute *ick and definitely one for the bin. I hope HE has taken the dog out and not left without it.

pimplebum · 01/05/2025 18:15

When you move , take the dog and make sure he has no idea where you live

can you bolt / chain the front door from inside an leave bus back door so he can’t get in ?

why are you making him dinner ?

SheilaFentiman · 01/05/2025 18:16

Wouldn’t it be theft if OP kept the dog? I’m not sure why everyone is suggesting this.

Lorlorlorikeet · 01/05/2025 18:17

2024riot · 01/05/2025 17:12

And thank you everyone it is making me feel less lonely than speaking to ChatGPT

Sorry, why the fuck has this abusive cunt, who both you and his dog, who is now your dog, are terrified of, have a key to your home? Why does he feel so entitled to abuse you, help himself to your home and then abuse you for it?

Why is this man in your life???

mumda · 01/05/2025 18:18

@2024riot

Change the locks and change the boyfriend.

He's a nob who you do not need in your life.

HowToBuy · 01/05/2025 18:22

Oh… where does he live by the way? Is his house spotless?

YourWildAmberSloth · 01/05/2025 18:22

Forget the dog, you need to prioritise yourself. You are in a relationship with an abusive man. What happens if you stay together, get married and share a home? How are you going to keep him happy if you need notice to tidy up so that he doesn't kick off? Hanging onto the dog just keeps him in your life. The healthy thing to do would be to end the relationship, return the dog, get your keys back and work on yourself. Is this really what you want for your life?

SquirrelSoShiny · 01/05/2025 18:24

You probably already know this but ADHD makes you particularly susceptible to the highs and lows of the abuse cycle. Please do get your key back and ditch this judgy prick.

Hotflushesandchilblains · 01/05/2025 18:25

For Christs sake, change the locks and tell him to do one. Keep the dog. Buy yourself a copy of a book about managing Adult ADHD - loads of them on Amazon. And try an app like these - ADHD Angel, TickTick, and SimpleMind.

You (and the dog) deserve better.

GildedRage · 01/05/2025 18:26

@2024riot you can crack the cycle of clean up, mess up, clean up again, rinse and repeat.
do dump the nasty bf (because clearly he is no friend) and come back on MN with a tread on housekeeping/help me tidy up.
If you have help with dog walking and are now doing that regularly can you switch the help to some aspect of the housework?

ThisPithyJoker · 01/05/2025 18:27

First post nails it!

Agapornis · 01/05/2025 18:29

The quickest way to reduce stress and not feel overwhelmed:

  1. Change the locks - £7-12 for a new barrel at Screwfix/B&Q.
  2. Bin the abusive dog-hating twat.

Your dog is scared of him because he's abused DDog. He's not your boyfriend, he's an unfriendly man who treats your both like shit. You and dog deserve better.