How did being smacked as a child affect your life?

[Roxietrees]

Just interested in whether those who were smacked as children suffered any lasting damage/trauma from it? I was a very young child in the early 90s and clearly remember being 4 and extremely shy (undiagnosed selective mutism with hindsight) and being pretty violently smacked by my mum for not speaking to her friends/teachers when I was asked a question. Although I was also smacked when I was older for “being naughty” it’s the vicious smacking for being unable to speak when I was so young that has stayed with me and has honestly caused some lasting trauma. It wasn’t just the pain & viciousness of it, it was the humiliation (pants down, bare bum, over the knee style) and it never being explained to me why I was being punished so harshly for something I couldn’t control or apologised to. It obviously didn’t work - I wasn’t even scared into speaking, I physically couldn’t. It just made me more scared and anxious than I already was. Now having a 4 yo DC myself, who, I admit I’ve totally lost my shit at at times and have even screamed at, I’ve always apologised to her, and no matter how angry I get I could never physically hit her. She’s so small and helpless. I can’t get my head round how my mum (a good mum overall and pretty reasonable person) could have ever done that when I was that tiny. I don’t buy these boomer excuses of “we didn’t know any better” or “it was what was done to us as children” - well it was done to me and I know better.

A lifetime of being scared of my mother, years after leaving home. She had a very sharp tongue right up to the day she died at 94 when she told me I’d always been fat and ugly - her last words to me 🤷🏼‍♀️

Honestly, it didn’t. I was born in the early 90s and smacked. I’ve never hit my children, and never would. I don’t think it’s good parenting at all. But I don’t think it made any material difference to me.

I think my experience was pretty typical of growing up in the 1970s. We weren’t smacked much - a tap on the back of the hand if we were touching something we shouldn’t, a slap on the back of the leg if we kept misbehaving after a warning. The smacks I remember most were when she was brushing my hair - if I fidgeted or fussed she would turn the brush over and clout my head with the hard side. I don’t think we were hit that often though or, if we were, it hasn’t affected me that deeply.

My mother has a pretty bad temper and an extremely low threshold for being irritated. Her unkind, critical words, which were dished out daily/constantly, definitely did affect me more than the smacking. It is a terrible thing to know that you are disliked by your own mother.
I do think the smacking and the cruel words came down to her own inability to control herself and I grew up to be a person who is very in control of herself - to a fault really. I can’t lose my temper or speak my mind even when it’s warranted. I’ve become slightly less of a pushover in my 50s, but still not enough. I think/hope that it has made me a better parent. I was determined to be fair and consistent with my children because above everything else it was the unpredictability of my mother’s reactions which affected me most.

Whenever I hear someone say “smacking is fine, it never did me any harm”, I think “yes, it did. You have now grown up to think that hitting children is acceptable and that is actually pretty twisted.

My dad would have smacked us when we were really bold. I wouldn't say it really taught me anything other than that I could do what I wanted knowing there would be a quick moment of pain as a repercussion for it. It was always a quick smack on the upper leg and then done. But my mum smacked when she was overwhelmed and it was aggressive and repeated and lasted a few minutes. That destroyed my relationship with her and I do class it as abuse.

I would never, ever smack ds. I think there are so many other strategies that you can use as a parent to discipline your child, plus a lot of behaviour management is really about helping a child to regulate.

Both myself and my husband were smacked as children. My mother was very quick to dish out a slap round the face or a clip round the ear for answering back. I once put my arm up to deflect and she was using so much force that she nearly broke her arm.

Im not sure it traumatised me but I chose to
bring up my children without using physical punishment. They’re well behaved, lovely young adults now.

I don't think it made too much difference to me as it didn't happen very often. I very clearly remember the last time DM smacked me - I was about 13, we were having a typical teenage row and she lost her temper and hit me on my arm, so I hit her back on her arm. Really really hard, harder than she did to me. She never did it again after that. We never discussed it either.

I once smacked DD's hand away from the lit hob, and a couple of years later DS's hand away from an electrical outlet (they would've been about 2ish). Both times were immediate panicked reactions and I felt guilty afterwards, but it wasn't smacking as a punishment so I've forgiven myself. We have talked about it and neither of them seem traumatised or even remember.

It stopped me leaving an abusive relationship because going home wouldn't have meant I was hit any less.

@Roxietrees no trauma at all. We grew up understanding that if we misbehaved then we would be punished with a skelp. I was 15 when my Mum finally stopped as it became ineffective.

BUT in fairness to generations of kids who were smacked, hitting wasn't right.

My Dad never ever laid hands on us ever. It was the disappointment and tone he used that kept us in line with him and this was far more effective.

My Dad would take things or experiences away as punishment. This worked just as well as a skelp from Mum.

I remember being 12 and really into F1. The Monza GP was due on Sunday and I was dying to watch but because i'd been cheeky and not heeded warnings, he didn't let me watch and I missed it. I profoundly remember this just as much as I remember being hit with a wooden spoon by Mum at 4 years old and how much that hurt.

Smacking isn't the real answer IMO but we have not suffered long term from it.

I was smacked as a last resort when I persisted in being naughty after being told. Only a quick swat on the bump.Never hard and never in anger. My experience is what I would term a smack.
I don't thinl most of the stories on this thread are 'smacking', they are abuse. Hitting someone on the head, for being shy, because you have lost control are all abuse.
Ps I never smacked my own kids. Times have moved on.

I was smacked as a last resort when I persisted in being naughty after being told. Only a quick swat on the bump.Never hard and never in anger. My experience is what I would term a smack.
I don't thinl most of the stories on this thread are 'smacking', they are abuse. Hitting someone on the head,or for being shy, or because you have lost control are all abuse.
Ps I never smacked my own kids. Times have moved on.

I was smacked as a last resort when I persisted in being naughty after being told. Only a quick swat on the bump.Never hard and never in anger. My experience is what I would term a smack.
I don't thinl most of the stories on this thread are 'smacking', they are abuse. Hitting someone on the head, for being shy, because you have lost control are all abuse.
Ps I never smacked my own kids. Times have moved on.

I suspect the impact is subtle but I think I avoid conflict. I wasn't hit as much as siblings but witnessed a lot of hitting and some very excessive. One of siblings hit back once and they were never hit again. I probably learnt something from that.

Never hit my kids.

I don't know. I'd like to see a parallel universe version of me who didn't get smacked. I'm guessing it had an effect on my self esteem and self worth but there's no real way of knowing that .

Life long issues with conflict and self esteem. Putting up with abuse and bad behaviour from others because I'm too scared to speak up.

I've basically spent most of my life working out what other people want me to do and doing it because I'm scared of the retaliation if I don't. It's taken/taking me years to unravel.

It hasn't affected me at all as an adult.

I never got smacked by my dad, him raising his voice was enough for me! I remember being smacked by my mum on 2 occasions for being rude to her and not listening. It hasn’t affected my relationship with them in any way but it did teach me that’s how you discipline children and therefore my own children received the odd smack growing up (they are adults now). I would probably do it all differently now if I could do it all over again.

Born in the 80s and smacked and hit with a stick. It’s had no lasting impact.

This. I was smacked by my mum, including for things that I don't believe deserved a punishment, but it hasn't impacted my life as far as I can tell and I have a very good relationship with my mum now (she was a lovely mum in all other ways).

My mum slapped me round the face several times as a teen... We're now very low contact, it does it effect me but partly because I got my ADHD and autism diagnosis at 19 when I left home and everything made alot more sense... It was never done as a pushment as such though which maybe makes a difference (she was slapped me and called me ungrateful because I got overwhelmed at a theme park type stuff) .

I'd never hit my kids now

It absolutely damaged the relationship I had with my dad, smacked out of his bad temper, I even wet myself once when he smacked me for being scared about something (outing so won't go I to details)

I have never smacked my children, and I never would, they are the best kids, behaviour has always been great and I love them too much to physically assault them the way my dad did to me. I love my dad btw, but we aren't overly close.

Don't think it has really had any lasting impact on me. I was smacked occasionally as a child for being naughty, if after being told told to stop doing something I didn't stop it. I grew up in the 70s and most children I knew were smacked.

Ii was born in the 70's. remember being smacked a handful of times as a kid - my parents only did it very rarely.
I don't believe i'ts impacted my life in any way - other then remember not to do that thing that got me into trouble at the time!

I've never smacked my own kids.

I had the fairly typical 90s back of the legs now and then when I was really naughty. I'm not traumatised by this myself as it was just normal then. Some of these stories sound far harsher than mine and I can understand why they would be traumatic.

I don't smack my own children, partly because it's not the done thing but also because I really don't like when they lash out and hit me and I'd feel like a hypocrite.

Obviously for children regularly beaten badly it will have been traumatic.

For me though, I was smacked rarely. I have 3 memories of being smacked on the upper leg by my mother’s hand, aged between about 6 and 8. Each occasion was for being deliberately naughty and it sent a very clear message that I crossed a line. I don’t think it affected me negatively.

First time was when my mum had told me very clearly and repeatedly not to go into my the spare room where my aunt’s wedding dress was hanging. I knew full well I wasn’t meant to, but I did go in, and I touched the white dress, and when mum found me she gave me a smack for deliberately disobeying her. It felt deserved tbh.

Second time was when I was being persistently cheeky, and she warned me that the next step was a smack. I then answered back “no you won’t!”. So of course, she did. I had asked for it really.

Last time was similar, I was showing off in front of my friend, who was over on a play date, pulling faces behind mum’s back. She saw me, but I said to my friend “she won’t do anything, cause you’re here”. My mum politely asked my friend to go upstairs to play while she had a ‘word’ with me, and gave me a smack for being so disrespectful.

I was a little madam at times!

Looking back, it was my mum’s last resort. She would explain her expectations and give me loads of verbal warnings, but at the point when I became deliberately disobedient for the pure thrill of it - that’s when I got a smack.

I was smacked very occasionally if I had misbehaved. It has had no effect on me. I don't smack my own DC though as the world has moved on.

I agree with a pp that what the op and some others are describing is abuse.