How did being smacked as a child affect your life?

[Roxietrees]

Just interested in whether those who were smacked as children suffered any lasting damage/trauma from it? I was a very young child in the early 90s and clearly remember being 4 and extremely shy (undiagnosed selective mutism with hindsight) and being pretty violently smacked by my mum for not speaking to her friends/teachers when I was asked a question. Although I was also smacked when I was older for “being naughty” it’s the vicious smacking for being unable to speak when I was so young that has stayed with me and has honestly caused some lasting trauma. It wasn’t just the pain & viciousness of it, it was the humiliation (pants down, bare bum, over the knee style) and it never being explained to me why I was being punished so harshly for something I couldn’t control or apologised to. It obviously didn’t work - I wasn’t even scared into speaking, I physically couldn’t. It just made me more scared and anxious than I already was. Now having a 4 yo DC myself, who, I admit I’ve totally lost my shit at at times and have even screamed at, I’ve always apologised to her, and no matter how angry I get I could never physically hit her. She’s so small and helpless. I can’t get my head round how my mum (a good mum overall and pretty reasonable person) could have ever done that when I was that tiny. I don’t buy these boomer excuses of “we didn’t know any better” or “it was what was done to us as children” - well it was done to me and I know better.

Born in 80s. Occasionally lightly smacked by DM to stop really bad behaviour. Last time I remember was when I was around 7 - it was the shock that pulled me up, not that it hurt. No lasting effect at all. But then DM never lost her shit and yelled at me as you describe doing to your child - I would’ve probably found that worse.

I was hit (am not saying smacked it’s being hit) at age two as I started to have a tantrum. Was very shy quiet anxious, this was the only time I’d shown any spirit so had that knocked out of me. Effect of that and having an enmeshed parentified childhood are that I had no boundaries, said that I just never got angry (so people did what they wanted ). That morphed into accepting an abusive first boyfriend.

my dad hit a random child for screaming. That was quite a day to be alive in my childhood!

It didn’t. I think I remember myself and my siblings getting a ‘thick ear’ (a slap/ flick) a few times from our dad (never mum), but usually the threat was enough to make us adjust our behaviour. This was in the context of a loving home 99% of the time. I do think a tiny bit of fear of a parent is good to have. We’ve never hit our child and would never dream of it but a few stern words are enough.

I think sometimes it's hard to differentiate because the type of parent who regularly hits their child and hits them with no warning and from nowhere, describes that as a few slaps themselves.

I don't remember any particular slap or smack so cannot say whether that type of consequence has affected me. However, I do remember my father flying at me, pulling my plait hard so that my neck snapped back, smacking my bottom all the way up the stairs, throwing me onto my bed so that I bounced off and ended up in a snotty heap on the floor. I remember my mum begging him to stop, I remember her crying, and I remember her holding me for a very long time until I stopped sobbing. He never touched me again.

What on earth had I done? I had refused to share the Spangles (sweets), that I had bought with my thruppeny bit, with my brother who had already eaten all the sweets he had bought with his pocket money. I was shouted at and told to share by my father, so I threw the packet at my brother and it hit him in the face. I was three - it's not my earliest memory but a very vivid one which I have had nightmares about ever since.

It was said that smacking teaches children to smack which turns them into violent adults.

I can't see this as an argument because I never smacked my children and my children used to fight, smack, slap, pull, push, shove, punch, kick, bite - the whole lot.

Similarly, childminding my 2 and half year old twin grandchildren yesterday - it's a matter of separating them/getting in between them to stop them hurting each other all the time. They fight like wild things. Repeatedly telling them to say sorry, that it hurts the other person, that the behaviour is unwanted/unacceptable is a waste of breath.

Where do they learn it from then?

I was smacked but was brought up to believe that smacking was wrong - I was on the receiving end of a violent assault by my father - it didn't make me a violent adult.

We were smacked and sent to our rooms. I never smacked my children and I believe their bedrooms are for them to enjoy their own space not an area that they associate negativity with.

I wasn’t affected by the smacking but what has affected me is the unfairness in the way they treated us with my brother being my mothers golden child and my sister my dads. I have tried to speak to them about it a number of times but they deny it and minimise despite me giving examples. I simply want acknowledgment not lies. Unfortunately this has affected family relationships but on a positive I am very open with my children and apologise to them when I’ve got it wrong etc.

I had a few occasions where my parents gave me a quick open hand smack on the bottom as a seventies child. I remember it stung. Always at the time not meted out later.

It hasn't affected me except to think it really must have been a thing of the time because I never felt the need to smack my kids.

However, some of these posts on these threads are shockingly barbaric. Posters with parents who have issues and taking it on their kids etc. just awful

It hasn't really but then I was smacked not beaten and there's a massive difference. Also my parents were never mean, I'd get a smack and that would be that.

I personally don't believe in smacking, not to say I never did it, I think I smacked my children maybe four times but every time I felt awful because although I think there are worst things it's still horrible. It's a lack of self control and teaching children that it's okay to hit. It's not.

Occasionally smacked. Say 5 times between the ages of 5-10.

Hasn’t affected me at all.

V. interesting that many posters who were smacked describe being very hard on themselves when they make mistakes. I (used to, not as much these days) blame myself for absolutely everything, think I was stupid and idiotic for getting the slightest thing wrong and also used to self-harm as a teenager. But there were other things going on too. All the other instances of smacking (usually times where I was hit across the back of the legs fully clothed) I don’t think have affected me. It’s really only this one instance when I was 4. I think it was a mixture of the injustice of it, the violence and the humiliation and also the coldness from my mum (I also remember her completely blanking me all day despite me repeatedly asking why she’d smacked me). It’s just a strangely vivid memory considering how young I was. I even remember what she was wearing! Probably because it was traumatic. Some older relatives still like to say it’s the best way to discipline a child, but always add (as if this makes them sound reasonable 🤣) - only when done when you’re calm and thinking clearly, not in anger. In my opinion that’s way worse - you plan and calculate how to calmly abuse your child in cold blood rather than just losing your temper for a second and smacking out of rage! Neither are ok but at least the latter is understandable

It didn’t affect me at all. Didn’t happen often, and was common when I was al child. Had loving relationships with both parents.🤷🏻‍♀️

It’s not really possible for me to separate it from any of the other violence I experienced in my home. It felt the same. It was just as terrifying.

I don’t agree with the poster who has said that if a parent smacks a child it means they don’t love them. These were different times. You generally chastise children because you want them to understand right from wrong and to grow up to be a decent human who forms relationships and knows how to behave in society. Most (not all!) parents love their children and are only trying to do their best in the moment.

They don’t always get it right.

My parents are now in their 70s and we are the closest family you could imagine. They are my best friends and they love me unconditionally and have pretty much dedicated their whole lives to me, and even once I reached adulthood. The things they did for me and continue to do for me, far outweighs what most parents do. I don’t hold any grudges because they chose to discipline me by smacking at a time where it was quite normal to.

Same, having any sort of contrary opinion meant a slap was coming. I remember my mother slapping around the face in a restaurant when I was about 10 and her mother, who was also there, begging her to stop. Didn’t make a shred of difference.

I turned into a well functioning member of society. With a healthy respect for people and property, worked hard at school, had a fab relationship with my parents and behaved well (except for the times I was naughty and had a well earned smack!)

In my opinion, society today has been absolutely bowled over by bad behaviour, disruption, naughtiness, cheek, and lack of work ethic. Not to mention entitled youngsters who think the world owes them everything and they can just demand it.

I was brought up by my Df as my Dm passed away in 1990. Df I appreciate had a lot of struggles with depression and trying to manage myself and 2 siblings and the house, bills etc.

We all get on fine as adults However, in the first 5 years I have lots of bad memories of him hitting my Dsis and could have caused her needing hospital treatment a couple of times. Being on holiday going back to the tent and seeing him hitting my Db with a towel with anger in his face. Twice not understanding what wrong I had committed holding my arm behind me, and smacking me really hard over and over.

I have understanding he had a lot going on, but I feel the need to block them early years out. It makes me cringe when I get people tell me what a great Df he’s “always been” sorry no, not always.

I agree about many of these posts describing abuse rather than discipline. It’s desperately sad because there’s a clear difference.

We were smacked occasionally by our parents (we were kids in the 1970s), although I only remember my mum doing it to me once and my dad not at all.

I never smacked DS (he's 16 and 6'4" now so never likely to). It just seemed as alien a concept to me as hitting my 90 year old dad - and he can be more annoying than DS has ever been. My sister never smacked any of her children either.

I was terrified of my Father. I would actively avoid being in a room alone with him. I left home at 17 due to it. I have had addiction issues not sure if they are related, but by and large it is in the past. I rarely think about it. I did marry a man smaller than me, I sometimes wonder if that was due to the reduced chance of physical violence. Love him to bits though. My mother never intervened, in fact would say wait until your Father gets home so I hold her equally responsible. I was a very unhappy child, adulthood has been better. I probably wouldn't call it smacking more hitting. When I went to rehab for addiction issues the first "friend" I made was the biggest guy there and the counsellors did suggest that was a defense mechanism.

I was smacked as a child. My dad in particular could be quite aggressive when riled and with hindsight I think he lost control at times. I loved both my parents dearly and their behaviour was not unusual for the time. As an adult though I have noticed that when a conflict situation arises at work I feel really tense. I think this is my body preparing for the blow which as a child would be coming next.

Smacked as a kid, doesn't bother me at all now. 80s born.

I do wonder why adults felt it ok to smack kids though, you wouldn't let someone else smack your child and would actively discourage them from fighting but I suppose in them days it was just the done thing.

Very mild snacking as a last resort here. However it has had an impact- I completely detached and am now very cold in terms of arguing and aggression. I can walk away from it and not “care” but it’s not a normal reaction

I am quick to temper though and frequently want to hit people who enrage me. I think it’s this lack of control that we saw modelled at home. I don’t hit people as I’m not allowed, the same way my parents were allowed to hit each other or other adults, but when I pissed then off enough they could smack me. I really want to hit people and am a bit jealous of the release of anger it must’ve given in the moment.

so thats a pretty bad impact, right?! 😆

I was smacked as a child (born in '62) but any effectiveness it might have had disappeared by the time I was about 8 and realised they smacked because they had absolutely no idea how to parent. I felt nothing but contempt for them for the rest of their lives.

I was a 70s child, and grew up being smacked. This was occasional, normally on the legs/bum and in response to 'naughty' behaviour. I was raised by my nan though, who was born in 1910, so to her it was 'normal' and I suspect far less than she herself experienced. It wasn't what I'd describe as violent or abusive.

I don't know if it had any effect on me other than to decide not to smack my own. A far more lasting effect was had by my mothers words towards me. Which were unkind and hurt far more than a quick slap on the legs. However she buggered off when I was two and I only saw her now and again, so I guess I lucked out there.

That’s interesting you say you were arguing with your mum. That would never have occurred to me as a thing you could do, I was petrified of her, she also depended on me to regulate her and she constantly told me how shit her childhood was and how awful her marriage was so it was the least I could do to be utterly compliant. Bollocks of course but I’m still amazed today people saying they have or had foes with their parents.