How did being smacked as a child affect your life?

[Roxietrees]

Just interested in whether those who were smacked as children suffered any lasting damage/trauma from it? I was a very young child in the early 90s and clearly remember being 4 and extremely shy (undiagnosed selective mutism with hindsight) and being pretty violently smacked by my mum for not speaking to her friends/teachers when I was asked a question. Although I was also smacked when I was older for “being naughty” it’s the vicious smacking for being unable to speak when I was so young that has stayed with me and has honestly caused some lasting trauma. It wasn’t just the pain & viciousness of it, it was the humiliation (pants down, bare bum, over the knee style) and it never being explained to me why I was being punished so harshly for something I couldn’t control or apologised to. It obviously didn’t work - I wasn’t even scared into speaking, I physically couldn’t. It just made me more scared and anxious than I already was. Now having a 4 yo DC myself, who, I admit I’ve totally lost my shit at at times and have even screamed at, I’ve always apologised to her, and no matter how angry I get I could never physically hit her. She’s so small and helpless. I can’t get my head round how my mum (a good mum overall and pretty reasonable person) could have ever done that when I was that tiny. I don’t buy these boomer excuses of “we didn’t know any better” or “it was what was done to us as children” - well it was done to me and I know better.

Yup.
We had to...
You just won't listen...
Why do you make me...
Why won't you stop...
That's just how it was...
My dad used to... and I would never do that to you...
Look at your friend xs parents, they beat her with... we only do Y, would you want to go live with her parents?
Why cant you be more like so-and-so. I bet his parents dont have to...

Then of course all the don't tell grandma/ school / anyone x, y, z or social services will take you away.

How are you supposed to know what's normal? It's your normal. You don't know any different.

By the time you do, the damage has been done. In ways you can understand and in ways you don't even realise.

That’s like an abusive man saying I only hit you because I love you.

a version of love but a very twisted one.

I don’t think it’s had much of a long-lasting impact on me. However, it’s certainly not something I’ll be doing with my own children. Although I wouldn’t say I carry any sort of trauma around with me, I do remember the thoughts and feelings of being hit with Mum’s hard slippers/loafers and it’s not nice, so not something I wish to inflict on anyone else.

The smacking was the least of it, for me.

And to whom it may concern: smacking a child is always abuse, whether we choose to see it through our rose tinted glasses or not. Because for a fully grown and formed human to attack a human offspring, completely dependant a defensless, there is definitely something defective and unnatural about that adult human.

Yep my mum and dad if they saw a child having a normal tantrum would proudly say you didnt tantrum, you once started to stamp your feet and your dad smacked you and that was an end to that.

Being smacked didn’t bother me. My mother’s horrible jibes, my father telling me they could put me in a children’s home anytime they wanted did far more damage.
I don’t think parents who smacked necessarily did just that, it was probably more if that makes sense.

I never was smacked, by Mum or Dad. My Mum was never smacked, neither was her Mum. I would feel more upset to disappoint my Mum.

I was smacked a few times as a child, mainly to kolt me put of the naughty behaviour. I remember being a cheeky teen and my mother who was gentle and mild mannered got so wound up because I was being a real pain and she went to clip the back.of my head but I moves and one of her rings caught the side of my eye causing a black eye. To be fair I was early teens and knew just how to wind her up which I regret doing. I don't think it has had any lasting impact.

My dad used to smack the boys, but they were unruly. I don’t think any of my brothers have any serious damage from it, but none of them would smack their kids. I was smacked once and I remember it clear as day. Christmas Day 2009, we had just watched Mama Mia and I can’t even tell you what I did but I remember my dad smacked me and I burst into tears and told him I hated him. I decided then I’d never smack my children. DP got smacked once by his dad for selling weed which I kind of understand that one a little…

Well they did let others , they let school do it as well in my case and my dad hit a random child for screaming , I’d like to think now that the parent of the child would have phoned the police and got him prosecuted. I can dimly recall he was angry the dad but how my dad didn’t get punched I don’t know.

I was smacked very occasionally for things such as running into the road or ignoring many warnings. I don't think it adversely affected me and sorry to say I did the same to my 2 in the 80s. Wouldn't dream of slapping the grandchildren. We grow and learn.

What I do remember is being shouted at by a teacher for making a 'stupid' noise when I was stifling a sneeze.

Also I feel the sarcasm, belittling and humiliation handed out by teachers in the 60s and 70s did far more damage.

One of the impacts is clearly that affected people struggle to see the difference between "smacking" and "abuse". If it's your normal, and other people (including on this thread) are saying "the odd smack never hurt anyone", how do you know where the line is?

Yup! I was dragged my jumper and hit by a teacher in the early 90s. Now teachers can’t even say “boo” to a child who deserves a good telling off without the parents/society coming down on them. It’s gone from too far one way to too far the other!

Born in the late ‘50’s….hasn’t affected me in the least and always had a close and loving relationship with my parents.

I agree with your post but I have smacked my kids’ hands away from things and talked about why (you’re right hitting is wrong but my hand worked faster than my mouth to keep you safe/if you couldn’t stop it would have hurt you).

We also have a special needs older child (5) and from 2.5-4 we needed to restrain him from injuring his brother or us. Now he has the control to hit at a normal rate for a kid and is learning not to/ can respond to just being blocked. Again we’ve talked it out with him and apologized for the force used and also talked to him about ways we are working to not need to restrain him. (Helping him regulate, going to OT etc)

I was born in 83 and was smacked, only once or twice but enough to know they meant business if they started counting 1..2 never let them get to 3.
I don’t think it did any damage, I did as I was told which was the point.

Now having a 4 yo DC myself, who, I admit I’ve totally lost my shit at at times and have even screamed at, I’ve always apologised to her, and no matter how angry I get I could never physically hit her. She’s so small and helpless

Losing your shit and screaming at a small and helpless 4 year old is abusive. It’s as emotionally damaging as hitting is.

I was smacked only once, I remember it and what I was smacked for but I don't remember any other times I was naughty. @Roxietrees My oldest children are around your age, I never smacked them but I was seen as a softie among my friends who did smack. By the time my second pair were born mid nineties most of my friends didn't smack either

Those who say it was abuse - abuse is a social construct that changes over time and between places. And will no doubt change again. I was smacked occasionally as a child in the context of a loving family and no, I really don't think it was abuse. It had no impact on me or my relationship with my parents. I chose not to smack my children as norms had moved on since then. Same as I didn't do a lot of things normal in my childhood which are now frowned on. And in forty years no doubt our generation will be castigated for perceived "abuse" - probably allowing unrestricted access to the internet which my guess is will have done far more damage than an occasional light smack.

No one I know ever uses violence towards children, or condones it.

I had cPTSD from being hit. It never leaves you. I am glad that England are now going ahead with consultations to ban all smacking. Not a day too soon. It just teaches fear - nothing else, and normalises violence and abuse to the child.

It didn't effect my life negatively, it was fairly common when I was young so I just accepted that it was normal.

I didn't think it was an effective punishment though, because it was over in a second. Being grounded or having privileges removed would have been more effective.

Saying that, I would never in a million years smack my kids!

My mother used to violently and unpredictability slap/hit me around my head from being a small child to almost an adult. It was very painful and shaming and sometimes for little or no reason. Never really warranted by any parenting ideas that I can understand. The last time she did it I was 17 and did it straight back to her and told her never to hit me again. She didn't hit me again, but did continue to be vile when the mood took her, well into my adult life. She never did it in front of anyone. I think it permanently damaged my self-esteem and caused terrible self-doubt. I also struggled to leave an abusive relationship because of the feeling of no one believing or supporting me. Of course, she maintained a relationship with my ex, saying he'd done nothing wrong. This prompted me to go no contact and she died without me knowing. I didn't regret it, having found out on social media. There was just something really wrong with her and she didn't love me at all.

Didn’t make much difference to me. I was only smacked a couple of times and only when I had been really naughty or done something dangerous (jumped off the sideboard and broke a priceless Victorian decanter when I was four).

I don’t smack my kids though, I just don’t see that it benefits anyone and I don’t want to hurt them physically or mentally no matter how cross I am.

It wasn’t really priceless was it? 🤣

I remember being smacked, after a warning if I was misbehaving. It was never particularly hard, so I have never really given it much thought.