How did being smacked as a child affect your life?

[Roxietrees]

Just interested in whether those who were smacked as children suffered any lasting damage/trauma from it? I was a very young child in the early 90s and clearly remember being 4 and extremely shy (undiagnosed selective mutism with hindsight) and being pretty violently smacked by my mum for not speaking to her friends/teachers when I was asked a question. Although I was also smacked when I was older for “being naughty” it’s the vicious smacking for being unable to speak when I was so young that has stayed with me and has honestly caused some lasting trauma. It wasn’t just the pain & viciousness of it, it was the humiliation (pants down, bare bum, over the knee style) and it never being explained to me why I was being punished so harshly for something I couldn’t control or apologised to. It obviously didn’t work - I wasn’t even scared into speaking, I physically couldn’t. It just made me more scared and anxious than I already was. Now having a 4 yo DC myself, who, I admit I’ve totally lost my shit at at times and have even screamed at, I’ve always apologised to her, and no matter how angry I get I could never physically hit her. She’s so small and helpless. I can’t get my head round how my mum (a good mum overall and pretty reasonable person) could have ever done that when I was that tiny. I don’t buy these boomer excuses of “we didn’t know any better” or “it was what was done to us as children” - well it was done to me and I know better.

Yes I feel similarly, I wasn't smacked regularly at all, My dad smacked me 2 or 3 times and my mum once and I think it has affected them far more then it ever did me - I know my dad especially carries a lot of guilt about it 30 + years later whereas aside from (to me) it being a "dad feels guilty for this" fleeting thought, it hasn't impacted me at all. I know DB also feels similarly

Doesn't mean I'd smack my own children but I can't say I would've even if I hadn't been smacked before

My mother's motto was smack first, ask questions later. My father was very strict and ruled us with fear. I do remember being smacked but don't consider it abuse. It was only ever on the bum or back of the legs, always a hand rather than an implement, and always over clothes.

Worse than smacking was the criticism and shouting. We weren't allowed opinions and that affected me far more than the smacking.

I did smack my own DC because I didn't know how else to deal with them. I didn't think my friends "naughty chair" or time out was particularly effective and wouldn't have worked at all with DC1 and DC3 who would have just defied me. DC2 was never smacked after 3 yo because he was never naughty.

By the time DC5 came along smacking was frowned on so we stopped, but didn't know what to do instead. Luckily it's easier when you only have one little one to deal with.

I was smacked a lot by my mum, mainly for getting things wrong. Like using the brown casserole dish instead of the orange one for preparing dinner when about 8 years old. Or cutting up lemons width wise instead of length wise for her drink. Also I often pronounced 'th' as 'f'. Or not asking how her day went in the correct tone. There was a constant string of things I got wrong. I think it impacted me in that I was quite tentative and nervous for a long while.

I don’t think it made a scrap of difference.
smacking was not abuse

Same

I was born early 60s. My mum was the smacker and it was if I was cheeky or naughty and only happened rarely. My dad never smacked us, he was too laid back and soft with us! Being smacked hasn't left any psychological mark on me, I wasn't treated like some children who were smacked regularly for nothing.

I think it's one of the reasons I self harmed all through my teens and twenties. It was so ingrained in me that mistakes (and deliberate wrongs) needed to be physically punished. So whenever I cocked up as a young adult, I took it upon myself to mete out the punishment.
I didn't make that connection at the time; only recently in my 40s.
I definitely wasn't abused, either. My parents were quite gentle and affectionate in every other respect; they were just following the parenting advice of the time that children needed to be punished in order to learn. It was part of being a good parent in the 80s. I was never smacked in anger, and was rarely shouted at - they always sat me down and calmly discussed what I had done wrong. But it still communicated a really damaging message, and although I no longer self harm I have huge amounts of anxiety around messing anything up, and really struggle to ever show myself grace or forgive myself.
Ironically, the one time I did something truly, truly awful and unforgiveable, they were very gracious and understanding. Go figure 🤷🏼‍♀️

The hitting contributed to me having no bond with my mum and not giving a shit about her. It wasn't just the hitting, it was the nasty bullying too of me and my dad. I hate the woman despite only seeing her sweet public face most of the time these days. My sister got off lightly as she was the golden child.

It was fine and only when I was really naughty. My parents love me to bits, and it has no lasting effect.

Didn't affect me at all but I remember turning around aged about 13 and saying 'dont you dare' to my Mum .

I blame the lazy parenting style of smacking for the fact I had horrific teen years & still don't know how to form positive relationships. The smacking was just whack! No discussion, no explanation, often I had no idea what I'd done, and often I hadn't done it.

I never remember feeling loved. I learned to distrust my parents & became sneaky. Horrible situations happened that I've never told anyone about because I feared being blamed. It's only recently I have said a few things to DM about that, and I realised she really didn't understand what expected of a parent and had a very low education level. It has dawned on her a little, as she sees how we parent and can't believe how much we do for our DC and how we speak to them and employ consequences rather than a smack. She still doesn't understand, why her friend's DC take her on holidays & buy her things & we don't do that for them. There has to be a bond for that.

It's caused me to go as far in the other direction with parenting possible. I often struggle and fail, but my kids will never known a day without a hug & and I love you or fear being hit for a mistake.

Not at all. I was smacked a few times and I can’t really remember why but I have a sense that I probably deserved it! My mum is the most loving, kind, patient person, and she did smack me round the back of the legs once so I must have really been winding her up!

But it was only probably a few times (that I can remember!) and it was balanced out by having mostly loving, caring involved parents who always did their best for us and still do.

I believe I was smacked, they say they did, but I don't remember it at all.

I was born in the 60s.

my dad was frequently hit as a child and it affected him. My mum less so I think. They were both keen to move away from that with us. My mum was a keen Dr Spock reader and used his techniques.

we got smacked a few times while they were getting adjusted to new ways of discipline but I don’t remember being smacked pass about 6 or so. It happened rarely. I’m not traumatised by it. They were doing their best to learn better ways.

i think we were smacked far less than other working class families of our generation.

I was smacked a few times. Nothing big. I recognise my parents were under a lot of pressure. Probably lost control. They're human. They weren't looking to abuse or damage me.

Left me terrified of people being cross with me which turned me into a total doormat for decades. (Got the fuck over that now though!)

As a fully grown woman I still flinched every time my dad made a sudden movement. He had the nerve to complain my involuntary flinching hurt his feelings!!!!

Especially scared of my mum's moods and trained to appease her at all costs.

Really anxious about making mistakes and rushed to justify myself and over explain.

Desperate for the praise and approval of others. Shagged anyone who would have me for years out of a desperate need to feel loved and wanted.

List goes on and on.

My childhood with parents who thought assaulting their child was good parenting?

Well, I went through what is a perfectly normal phase as a young child where I told lies like what I'd done that day, or that I saw fairies or flew or shit like that, you know, kids imaginative play sort of thing. My dad decided the way to cure me of that was to hit me with his belt. Bent over my bed and given 6 good ones on the backside and thighs.

Mum would either laugh at something or hit us depending on her mood. A silly dance that would make her laugh on monday would get you a whack so hard it bruised you on tuesday.

Wed also get hit for embarrassing her, for nearly doing something eg walking past her too close to something which if we had stepped on it or knocked it we might possibly have broken it.

She favoured the slap across the face over her close second favourite- the grabbing the arm and hitting the legs with so much force it stung for hours and left a red, raised imprint of her hand. The leg hurt more but the face was more humiliating.

My sons are in their 20s now and i can tell you that hitting is simply not necessary, nothing will ever convince me it is necessary and if someone can't raise their children without hurting them and making them afraid then they need parenting classes, frankly.

Mum used to smack us - no lasting effects, never smacked my own

Teachers back in the day used to throw wooden blackboard rubbers at our heads and we had one mad French teacher who would bring a metre long ruler down between our fingers if we were talking - that was more of a shock, and one music teacher who would put you in the music cupboard for the remainder of the lesson if you talked.

My Dad bless him never smacked but would call you into his study to have long conversations about how deeply disappointed he was in whatever the bad behaviour was and ask us to explain our actions - we all used to think "please just smack us and let us get out "

So it was I think a typical 70ies upbringing - no lasting effects, never needed to smack my own and remember both parents with sincere affection, the teachers I remember as being mad as a collective box of frogs.

Honestly not at all.
I was smacked in the early 80s (born 1978) and while never pleasant it was never considered a violent act

I don’t think it’s appropriate these days and would never smack my own but don’t judge my parents and grandparents for doing so in a different time

It didn’t. I don’t however smack my own children.

I don’t think it’s had any negative effect on me. I was only ever smacked after very bad, deliberate behaviour, and also after multiple verbal warnings. I was a very defiant, strong-willed child who was very argumentative towards adults and who would instigate all the fights with my brother/cousins. I never felt afraid when told off/smacked and often found it quite funny. Now I’m a Mum myself, I feel really sorry for my family who had to deal with such poor behaviour for no reason 😂

I actually preferred a smack, as it was over and done with quickly. The most effective discipline strategy my Mum utilised as a 15 year old teenager was grounding me. I took a day off school, forged a note, got her to sign it pretending it was something else, but she rumbled me! So I was grounded for 2 weeks, the middle weekend of which I had many social plans. She stuck to it, I tried everything to talk her round but to no avail, and I was far more upset than after any smack when younger. Ultimately, I knew she meant business and never skived off school again 😂

So for me, smacking is less effective. My own children know I will take them home/they will lose their allocated screen time/I will cancel something they are looking forward to, so I have never needed to smack them. It’s like constant shouting, it can become completely ineffective and nobody listens to you. Confidently walking over and removing something from your child’s hand decisively and silently, or with one firm ‘no’ can be better for actually stopping something.

My mother was incredibly strict. I was smacked on multiple occasions. Sometimes smacked and smacked and smacked…all in one go. Sometimes I was smacked across the face. I was a really well behaved child too, so much of the discipline I faced probably wasn’t warranted. My mother definitely had her own challenges.

How has it affected me? It hasn’t. I don’t care. I see it as part of how I became a disciplined person and got to where I am today. I love my mother just as much as ever. I don’t feel regretful, or sorry for myself, or traumatised. It happened. It’s in the past. I had my own son, I never lost it with him in the same way my mother lost it with me, probably because I’m not as highly strung as my mother was.

I see no benefit in holding grudges or hanging on to negative experiences. I think forward and enjoy today.

I used to think it didn't impact me at all (I was maybe smacked half a dozen times during my childhood and always as a single smack). But lately I've been reflecting on how I deal with myself when I have done something stupid. I may be better at dealing with it now (a bit) but as younger adult I would smack myself around the head VERY hard in frustration at how stupid I had been - as a type of punishment. You don't have to be a psychologist to link the two, I don't think.

No lasting impact and I think my mother was justified in doing it as the instances I remember were because I had been genuinely naughty, and it acted as a deterrent to some extent. The reason I don't smack my own children is because times have changed, not because I think smacking is bad parenting or abuse.

Often when I read threads like this what people call "smacking" was actually beating or smacking with no good reason. I think there's a huge difference between a smack on the bum and beating a child!

Reading these replies there is definitely a divide between "it was the punishment at the time for severe behaviour" and "they just liked hitting us". My parents were in the former camp and would have gone for time out etc these days.

My parents never hit us, although my father was always very critical and that seems to have had an effect. Me and OH have never hit our children. For me it's a lazy weak way to parent, although I also understand parents lose control and lash out.

Having seen some friends and how they are with elderly parents, I wonder whether the patience you showed them as a child reflects on how much time they have for you when you're old.