Dd18 social withdrawal, don't know what else to do.

[evermineeverthine]

Sorry in advance for the length of this.

My DD is 18 and in final year of A levels , about to sit exams next month. She is a quiet girl and although actually really likes to socialise , has always struggled with friendships. I really thought college would be the answer to this but she hasn't really connected with anyone there either. She has struggled with the subjects she is studying , and it's been pretty rocky all round. DD from the beginning of college , has managed her time in college by skipping classes in a subject she is doing ok in, to study in a test/exam in a class she isn't doing ok in.

She is on her phone a lot and while she is studying hard now, has had huge periods of inertia and isn't where she should be with predicted grades. She has never been put under pressure academically by me , but she wants to do well and at least achieve C/B grades.

Because of the way she managed her time, attendance at college has been below average at best. At the moment it's terrible. We've argued for basically two years about her time management and suffice to say our home hasn't been a happy one. Not to put to fine a point on it, it's been bloody hideous. I'm a single parent and more often than not , her punching bag for every emotion she has. I get it , it's my job - but some days I feel on my knees absorbing it all.

She has one best friend from high school who is lovely but also quiet and shy like her and they don't socialise much in person.

Cut to today and although she is studying hard at home , she has been refusing to attend college for the last 6 weeks consistently and is now not going at all. She is anxious and experiencing overwhelm and panic symptoms when she has tried to go in. After much reluctance, she agreed to see a doctor and they prescribed beta blockers and signposted her for therapy services. I had already arranged reduced-cost private counselling a few months ago and a slot came up two weeks ago but she refused to take it. She believes her exams are the priority and she will not be able to get anything out of counselling until they're done. She isn't taking the beta blocker either. Her plan now is to stay at home and study and attend for exams only.

I've been in touch regularly with her college but they're pretty disinterested. I've let them know she is overwhelmed and anxious but they've never reached out or tried to offer anything in the way of support. They have a policy of no direct contact between teachers and parents.

I contacted the exam office and they've said they can offer her rest breaks and a quiet room on the day of her exams and that's it. I've accepted my daughter won't go back to college now until the exams start but here is my problem: she will not communicate with her teachers about work and has had huge meltdowns with me about communicating her problems to them as well. All the communication I've had with them has had to be agreed with her to the last letter as she doesn't want them to know the extent of her challenges. I asked her doctor to provide a letter for college outlining her challenges and asking for adjustments on exam days , but DD demanded the letter from me and won't let give it to them. I don't understand her reasoning but then I'm guessing that anxiety has robbed her of her logic. She seems highly fixated on their perception of her (but denies that this is the case)
I have of course spoken to them anyway but I've had to hide that from her. She won't communicate with her teachers directly and so to them, she just isn't turning up and they don't actually know she is working hard at home. They'll have had a message from pastoral to say she's got anxiety I'm sure , but she is not engaging with them on their student platform either so they've no other information from her on her current level of study , homework etc. Is there any chance they could withdraw my daughter from the exams at all? Is there something I need to put in place to ensure they don't?

As it stands, I don't even know if she will be able to attend on the days of the exams if she can't get in the building now, however any possibility of a discussion about this with DD is met with huge anger, screaming and rage. She is angry pretty much constantly. Her tolerance for any demands outside of her study is on the floor. She doesnt leave the house much at all and I'm seriously worried about her mental wellbeing. DD is a bright, funny and articulate girl but rigid and uptight in almost all aspects of her life and I have questioned ND for a number of years. If she doesn't make it into college on the day of her exams , I know it will destroy her.

How is she going to pass given she’s missing swathes of the curriculum?

and I have questioned ND for a number of years

and what have you done?

She's often joked about being ND herself, but it's not something I've broached with her seriously , admittedly. I guess my reasoning for that is because she has periods of being absolutely fine and I get swept along by that and then in moments like this I question it again. I still don't know how much of this is teenage challenges or personality or if it's ND. I just don't know.

I think it would have helped her op
and you

and obviously not too late

She believes she has not missed lots of content and that by the time she stopped going consistently , the content was covered. I've been paying for a tutor for one of her subjects since the beginning of this academic year.

Thank you for this. It's really kind

You're right. I think I will need to muster up the courage to talk to her seriously about this after the exams are over, either way. She hasn't got the capacity right now to have a conversation about assessment. I actually also think she will take it really badly that I think she has traits. She is comfortable to joke about it when it's on her terms but I know a conversation about it on a serious level will involve more shouting and rage and I'm probably low on capacity myself if I'm honest.

The worse case scenario is that she does things her way and gets poor grades. And retakes.
I think your job here is to keep reminding her that whatever the outcome of these exams you are still supportive of her, won't tell her I told you so, and will give her space to come up with alternative solutions
Black and white thinking is often based on perceptions of how others judge you. Then people judge themselves as a result. Take the heat out of that at least, focus on her own coping strategies which might at the moment be faulty but at least she is learning something about herself

I failed my a levels in an academic school. I retook them. I then did badly at uni too. But I survived. I made friends. I had a social life found satisfaction along the way. And tbh I think someone reminding me along the way that there were numerous numerous outcomes and plans B c D e f would have actually helped me discover the things I enjoyed and my actual limitations much earlier instead of just being unable to communicate my difficulties

Thanks so much. I would love to believe she'd be able to consider other options if she can't do the exams or doesn't pass but sadly this pressure is what my DD applies to herself. The rigidity I mentioned in my OP plays out in this exact topic because she will not consider another pathway. The writing was on the wall pretty much from the beginning of Y12 that the subjects were just too hard for her and both college and me tried to persuade her to either choose different ones or another pathway more suited to her strengths. She would not budge and while I admire her tenacity to stick to her beliefs in lots of ways, this feels like an example of a time when it's got in the way of her own progress.

Unfortunately you do have to back off. When you are intensely focussed on surviving, hanging on by her fingernails, which she is, someone giving you instructions from the bottom of the cliff won't help much. But the fact that you are standing there, a speck at the bottom of that rock face, is at least something helpful for her, whether she acknowledges it or not.

This is really helpful thank you. She is coping in she own way I guess. I've been focused on firstly trying to get her back in the college building for the last few weeks of revision , but when that became clear it won't happen, my new focus has been to try and mitigate the risk of her not being able to get into the building on the day. It's too late to do anything about that though and she doesn't have a condition that would allow her to have special arrangements with the exam board. I just have to keep her as upright as possible and remind her that there are always other options. ( I'm laughing ot myself slightly at this one because honestly, I've attempted to say stuff like this before and she has absolutely lost it. Interprets every encouraging word I say as confirmation that I don't believe she will pass)

It's like walking on landmines. I've tried saying nothing , tried encouraging, tried exploring other options. All of these options make her explode.

Brilliant analogy and reminder. I appreciate this x

Well op I really wouldn’t trust her view on this

especially as she hasn’t been there so doesn’t know what she’s missing

It's the "noise" that makes her explode. You are "interrupting" her thought processes. Yes it's hideous but just leave nice food don't ask her about her exams, talk about anything else but not exams.

But don't be a punch bag either. Maybe you are allowed to have some black and white thinking too! She will probably respect that and feel safer for it.

Agreed. But other than pay for a tutor and her in-class test data being relatively ' ok' prior to not attending , I don't really know how else to tackle it. She won't engage with the teachers and instead asks the odd classmate if she's missed anything. I won't pretend I've not felt my own frustration and anger at her sometimes about it all. No matter how illogical that is and no matter how much I know she can't help it, it's so hard to watch her blank her teachers , shut down any discussion, or let me communicate on her behalf properly. It's like total self sabotage , and put home life feels like hell sometimes.

Do you know how’s she has been going with assessments and coursework?

Op I would brace yourself and plan for disappointing results I am afraid

She's been averaging D's , occasionally C in the last few months. The subjects are notoriously hard and I never wanted her to take them because she'd been good at them in high school, but not exceptionally so. I honestly think her subject choices have been the undoing of her when she has/had other subject strengths that she would have excelled in. It's been two years of hell, if I'm honest.

It’s possible she’ll do ok.

my DD has adhd and your post reminded me of her.

she went through a very similar process but in year 12 rather than year 13. Didn’t attend school at all after Easter. Got AAB in the exams.

particularly in year 13 a lot of the last term or so can be revision and extended topics.

now is not the time to do anything.

sit back and wait. She gets what she gets.

vety unlikely the college will stop her doing the exams - a surprisingly large number of teens are like this and many of them get pretty decent results.

wait. Provide her with food. Back off.

try not to hang around to be an emotional punching bag.

then after the exams start talking about therapy and meds.

(my DD is now doing her finals at uni after a couple of years out)

When I say last few months - I mean prior to her not attending. I do know DD is anxious and experiencing panic symptoms but I also know there is an element of her not attending college because she has fallen back on her tried and tested methods of sacrificing one thing for another. All the way through college she has skipped one class to focus on another. Now she is skipping all classes to self study , which cuts out the ' waste of time ' needed to travel to college/interact with people etc. I counted over the Easter holidays that she'd left our house 3 times in 3 weeks. She does not live the life of a young person - sees barely anyone and interacts with no other young people. That's been the case for most of this year. My DD is never not at home. She thinks this is normal. She thinks this is every young person studying ' hard ' A levels.

It's not, right?

Thanks so much. This is actually really reassuring to read

Octavia64 is giving good advice.
Tbh in your shoes I would just step back and take the pressure of you both.
You're not going to be able to persuade your DD to do anything different now. Reset your approach+ ask what you can do to support her studying at home.
I suspect it's unlikely that the college will withdraw her from exams and I think it's too late for you to apply directly to the exam board.
She's obviously massively stressed and not coping. Social isolation won't help but you can't magic up good friends from thin air.
Part of good studying is taking a break - will she come out with you for a walk if nothing else?
What does she want to do after A levels?

Thank you both and Octavia - you're spit on. I need to step back.
She won't go out for a walk with me no. She mainly stays in her room which I'm sorry to say is very , very dirty. Efforts to make her clean it, or for me to help fall on deaf ears. She studies under a very low light with curtains drawn. Comes out to eat dinner but reluctantly so. Is eating regaudly during the day but doesn't want to sit for meals as such. I know it's not ok but I've tried everything. She went through a period a few weeks ago of coming to watch a bit of telly with me but that's stopped now too because she's angry I want her to at least communicate with college.
Plans for after college are to defer uni for a year. She hasn't coped with A levels at all and so I think this is the best thing for her. She wants to travel she said but I don't know if that will happen. I hope she does because I'm desperate for her to engage and live the life of a young person, get a job etc that will expand her social connections.