Dd18 social withdrawal, don't know what else to do.

[evermineeverthine]

Sorry in advance for the length of this.

My DD is 18 and in final year of A levels , about to sit exams next month. She is a quiet girl and although actually really likes to socialise , has always struggled with friendships. I really thought college would be the answer to this but she hasn't really connected with anyone there either. She has struggled with the subjects she is studying , and it's been pretty rocky all round. DD from the beginning of college , has managed her time in college by skipping classes in a subject she is doing ok in, to study in a test/exam in a class she isn't doing ok in.

She is on her phone a lot and while she is studying hard now, has had huge periods of inertia and isn't where she should be with predicted grades. She has never been put under pressure academically by me , but she wants to do well and at least achieve C/B grades.

Because of the way she managed her time, attendance at college has been below average at best. At the moment it's terrible. We've argued for basically two years about her time management and suffice to say our home hasn't been a happy one. Not to put to fine a point on it, it's been bloody hideous. I'm a single parent and more often than not , her punching bag for every emotion she has. I get it , it's my job - but some days I feel on my knees absorbing it all.

She has one best friend from high school who is lovely but also quiet and shy like her and they don't socialise much in person.

Cut to today and although she is studying hard at home , she has been refusing to attend college for the last 6 weeks consistently and is now not going at all. She is anxious and experiencing overwhelm and panic symptoms when she has tried to go in. After much reluctance, she agreed to see a doctor and they prescribed beta blockers and signposted her for therapy services. I had already arranged reduced-cost private counselling a few months ago and a slot came up two weeks ago but she refused to take it. She believes her exams are the priority and she will not be able to get anything out of counselling until they're done. She isn't taking the beta blocker either. Her plan now is to stay at home and study and attend for exams only.

I've been in touch regularly with her college but they're pretty disinterested. I've let them know she is overwhelmed and anxious but they've never reached out or tried to offer anything in the way of support. They have a policy of no direct contact between teachers and parents.

I contacted the exam office and they've said they can offer her rest breaks and a quiet room on the day of her exams and that's it. I've accepted my daughter won't go back to college now until the exams start but here is my problem: she will not communicate with her teachers about work and has had huge meltdowns with me about communicating her problems to them as well. All the communication I've had with them has had to be agreed with her to the last letter as she doesn't want them to know the extent of her challenges. I asked her doctor to provide a letter for college outlining her challenges and asking for adjustments on exam days , but DD demanded the letter from me and won't let give it to them. I don't understand her reasoning but then I'm guessing that anxiety has robbed her of her logic. She seems highly fixated on their perception of her (but denies that this is the case)
I have of course spoken to them anyway but I've had to hide that from her. She won't communicate with her teachers directly and so to them, she just isn't turning up and they don't actually know she is working hard at home. They'll have had a message from pastoral to say she's got anxiety I'm sure , but she is not engaging with them on their student platform either so they've no other information from her on her current level of study , homework etc. Is there any chance they could withdraw my daughter from the exams at all? Is there something I need to put in place to ensure they don't?

As it stands, I don't even know if she will be able to attend on the days of the exams if she can't get in the building now, however any possibility of a discussion about this with DD is met with huge anger, screaming and rage. She is angry pretty much constantly. Her tolerance for any demands outside of her study is on the floor. She doesnt leave the house much at all and I'm seriously worried about her mental wellbeing. DD is a bright, funny and articulate girl but rigid and uptight in almost all aspects of her life and I have questioned ND for a number of years. If she doesn't make it into college on the day of her exams , I know it will destroy her.

Thanks. She says she wants to work so she can save to travel. I've just nodded along and smiled at this because while I desperately want it to happen for her, she barely leaves the house. As a previously fairly active young person, I've found this one of the hardest aspects to deal with. She is inside the four walls of our home full time , all day , every day , every week. She keeps her surroundings in a really poor state and I can't fathom why she wants to live like this , yet also knowing jf that it's because she's unhappy. She will occasionally visit her friend or her friend visits the house. I just can't conceive going from basically being reclusive to travelling or even being able to go from this to walking into a job that will allow her to earn enough to earn money. She has already lost some of the social skills she used to have. She speaks in a quieter voice than ever before and often won't say hello to people unless they say it first. She wasn't always like this.

My DD won't discuss it, says staying inside all the time while studying is normal and that's that. I tried to get her to do a part time job during her A levels but she reacted pretty badly to this , claims none of the young people she knows works during their A levels. My reasoning for her getting a job was the social element. The thing is, it's just not true that people doing A levels don't work part time. However many if not most of the kids she went to high school with are frequently seen around our community working and hanging out, and I know deep down , DD knows this. Her plan is to get some work experience next year as well to help her decide what she wants to do for a career choice. I am praying this happens.

so behind the scenes you need to plan for none of this happening. Not the desired grades and not the travel.

as soon as exams over, id be encouraging to look for a job

This resonates for me in many ways.

It sounds like she is doing the work she needs to do at home. Bright pupils don't necessarily get that much from actually being in college if they have the text books to learn and revise from.

I think you need to try to relax. As PP said: worst case scenario and she resits or does something else. Has she applied for uni?

The propranolol is only for the physical symptoms of anxiety so won't actually make her feel better but might help if she has to actually go into college to face people.

She does sound like she may be ND but I wouldn't think about this now. Just get the exams out of the way.

You have my sympathies; it's all so stressful and I've been there.

is. Her plan is to get some work experience next year as well to help her decide what she wants to do for a career choice. I am praying this happens.

It won’t op

she has lots of plans but given what you outline, in her current state none of them are coming to come to fruition.

so you need to plan for her getting a local job, hopefully it getting her out of house and then begin addressing what sounds like seriously developing mental health issues

Sorry, hadn't read the last part of the thread.

You just need to give her time and get these exams out of the way. She may reflect and decide to do something completely different if her heart is not in the subjects.

After the exams, she could try some voluntary work at a local charity shop. That might be a stepping stone to a paid job but without the pressure. Other people urging you to push her have no understanding of how difficult it is to deal with anxious/ sensitive or ND children.

Sending you solidarity. Have been in your shoes with DD in Y11 and it was horrific.

She has since been diagnosed ASD with PDA traits.

https://www.pdasociety.org.uk/about-pda/what-is-demand-avoidance/

Things are slowly getting better in Y12 but she attends very much on her terms and many daily tasks lead to explosions and meltdowns. However, she is managing ok academically despite some patchy attendance. We completely leave her to it now but I used to feel so stressed not knowing if she was contacting teachers for work or not (she missed a lot of school in Y11).

She is also socially isolated to a similar extent to your dd.

I think you sound like you are doing an amazing job in really hard circumstances.

I agree with the PP saying that the exams are important but not everything.

I find that daily connection with my DD helps a lot, however short. Even just going to collect a parcel, quick top up shop, collecting her sibling (she definitely likes being in the car and that is often a good place to chat) as well as more obvious things like watching a series, having a jigsaw on the go (we always have one in progress) or going to the cinema together. At her lowest, there was no chance of most of those things happening, but I just want to give you hope that things can get better, we now do a lot of those things fairly frequently.

Loads of sympathy for you for being the emotional punchbag, it is such a hard place to be. I pick my battles about when to call her out on it with mixed results.

The thing that is hardest is finding time and space for you to decompress and fill your own cup. I hope you can find some way of doing this.

Wishing you and your dd all the best

Thanks too for this, makes a lot of sense as we are slowly working through a v similar situation

Argh I recognise some of these symptoms!

You’ve had good advice on this thread but I notice in your replies, your dd gets in a terrible rage whenever you try to provide advice or constructive help - she is abusing you, and that must stop. Getting angry is one thing, but she’s making you afraid to confront her on purpose so you back off all the subjects she finds uncomfortable. She has to recognise that that behaviour is not acceptable and is not helping her at all. And is totally unfair on you.

Being socially anxious doesn’t get better when you hide and don’t force yourself to practice being amongst people. I speak from experience. I was all but silent during A levels, except in a few social activities I managed to cling onto.

Being scared of going out and doing difficult things also doesn’t get easier when you hide inside and tell yourself white lies about how it’s more efficient/convenient/ just a short term thing. That applies whether you are NT or ND, I think. I’m NT, I just had a horrible time in my later teenage years and I had crippling social anxiety until my mid twenties. Accepting help would be such a good first step - she really won’t reconsider the counselling?

She will feel simultaneously worse and better when she forms healthier routines. At first the new routine will feel awful but sticking with it is very important.

One thing I liked doing was an early morning jog or cycle or swim. Especially in summer. Exercise helps me a lot, even now as a much older adult.

Gosh thanks so much for all the replies. I agree that I'm probably needing to brace myself for what might be a disappointing set of results and/or the fact that these plans she has might be clouds in the sky. She sounds really cheerful and optimistic when she talks about them, which breaks my heart but also frustrates me because I end up thinking (irrationally, I know) how do you think you'll walk into a job that earns you enough to go travelling when you won't leave the house? When you hide behind your studies to avoid even walking the dog/going to see your nan for half an hour etc etc . At other times I think yes, perhaps she's right and it's all temporary, all stress related and when this is over , she will emerge as she herself believes she will.

I know that I can't do more than I'm round right now in terms of practical support but one thing I know I need to work on is reducing the emotion of my own when trying to talk about it with her. When she gets shouty and disrespectful, I clap back at her and it ends up with both of us upset and overwrought which is completely unhelpful. I feel full to bursting , but it can be nothing compared to what she feels.
I will focus on getting her through the next few months of exams , then looking for a part time job. I also hope she will engage with the counselling once exams are over. this is what she said she would do anyway x

I’m not qualified to comment on much of this op, it sounds incredibly hard.

but the abuse and rage she is heaping on you? Surely that’s not acceptable?

is it just the two of you? had it been that way for a long time? Have you maybe got into a pattern where she thinks this is Ok ?

I just can’t imagine how horrible it is to have her shouting and screeching at you, and you walking on eggshells around her all the time.

if she is ND does that make it acceptable for her to treat you this way?

It's definitely been hard for a few years Ricky but I don't want to misrepresent her either. Im not always patient. I shout. I ' get into it ' with her , so to speak, by trying to be logical and push her to do the same. It often leads to arguments. But yes these days she often heads off any conversation with no/get out/shut up/go away before I even start and while I don't just stand there and take it, her tolerance for any kind of dissent is on the floor.

Is it just the two of you at home?

does she ever spend any money on anything?

Most of her time in her room on her phone?

Yes it's just the two of us. She sees her dad regularly but their relationship is up and down. He gives her pocket money as she lives on this. Her spending is minimal because she goes nowhere. That being said, everything she does spend it on is what you'd expect a teen to - hair dye and clothes etc. She takes care of her appearance and is always well turned out. She is on her phone a lot in her room yes but is also studying a lot.

She is studying in her bedroom with the door closed and her phone with her?

op, she’s not studying

I don't think she is studying as much as she needs to, but she is definitely studying guys. When I enter her room for whatever reason, she's often studying. She doesn't get up until late or sleep until late , and her routine is all over the place , but I can't say she isn't working because it would be false.

But she is missing and has missed weeks and weeks if not months of learning op

Is she teaching herself ?

Do you work op during the day? If so at home?

Yes I work all day , so it possibly she's just scrolling on her phone all day. But I can't see it? Perhaps I'm kidding myself but she wants this so badly so it would be madness if she was lying. She is really defensive if I question how long she spends on her phone mind.

She's adamant she has missed little to no content. That it was all covered and these are revision weeks. I'm with you though - she can't possibly know that. The thing is , talking about this stuff with her is hell on earth. She just will not discuss it .

DD from the beginning of college , has managed her time in college by skipping classes in a subject she is doing ok in, to study in a test/exam in a class she isn't doing ok in.

op i don’t think your dd is revising or at least not remotely productively

I imagine her diet is crap, exercise non existent, routine gone to pot, goes to sleep in the early hours. This is no someone who is revising

she sounds to me like she’s on a fast downward spiral

You're right about her diet. Toast and lots and lots of dairy, plus approx 5-6 mugs of hot chocolate per day. Pushes main meals around the plate.

Sleep schedule messed up.

Won't leave the house but doesn't recognise it as this. Just says she is studying. Denies she has become reclusive. Will occasionally go for a McDonald's with her dad.

Isn't exercising.

Often claims she can't even spare the time to come to the table to eat dinner. I don't back down on this.

No longer attending even the local library to study which she used to love.

Refused counselling after waiting 6 months for a place.

No longer attending college but adamant she will attend for exams.

Wants nobody in college to know why.

I've taken her to doctors. Arranged counselling, I pay for a tutor at huge cost, got a letter from doctors to secure special arrangements for exam day which DD says she will refuse.

If someone could tell me what else I could do, I'd love to hear it.

It's a moot point really , but aside from the above, DD's behaviour at home has been really hard for years. I think a lot of it has been anxiety and some of it has been my own failure to manage it properly ( being reactive and shouty myself) but to this day, at 18yo, she puts the same level of effort into arguing why she shouldn't have to put away the items she made a sandwich with, as she did at 13. She spends huge amounts of time arguing and fighting for the right to have rotten food in her bedroom, or not empty the dishwasher, or put her clothes in the laundry basket , as she did when she was much, much smaller. She is bright and articulate and wonderfully funny. But in terms of maturity, I'm afraid it just hasn't happened yet and I worry desperately about that side of things too.

This girl has a serious mental health condition op

I don’t know what to advise but please don’t pin anything on a single one of her plans

First off OP, you are doing fantastic.

I was your DD when I was doing my a-levels.

I have ADHD and ASD, was diagnosed as a teen and I completely withdrew during a level.

I found it so stressful that I ended up having a mental breakdown & no longer remember months at a time of Year 13.

I got CCD, which I was extremely disappointed with & ended up going to a local community regional college to do a part time degree, which took a year longer than full time, but meant I could work too.
I travelled and lived abroad, I’m engaged and I’m now a teacher trying to help other kids like I was.

things aren’t all doom and gloom and hoped for grades aren’t everything. My mum lost her mind when I got the CCD but she couldn’t be prouder of me now.

I'd honestly be chuffed with CCD. I know she wouldn't though. I think she'd be ok with CCC, but I don't know if it's likely.

My only concern is her wellbeing. What she thinks of herself. What she believes she is capable of.

I won't lie though. I'm so very very tired. It's been hard for years.

Thanks for your story though Monkey. It really helps to help me to help her keep going. She has had other family challenges in her life that have affected her deeply. I won't to into them here but none of it her fault. I've not done everything right, but I think I can say that I've been her north star through it all. She's always been pretty academic and I've encouraged eduction as a way to make her life as secure as it can be , but also to follow her passions. She's been confident in her intelligence before now, and so that's why I know that this area of her life is a particularly hard place for her to fall from. I think she cannot cope that it's much much harder than she thought it would be.