Sorry in advance for the length of this.
My DD is 18 and in final year of A levels , about to sit exams next month. She is a quiet girl and although actually really likes to socialise , has always struggled with friendships. I really thought college would be the answer to this but she hasn't really connected with anyone there either. She has struggled with the subjects she is studying , and it's been pretty rocky all round. DD from the beginning of college , has managed her time in college by skipping classes in a subject she is doing ok in, to study in a test/exam in a class she isn't doing ok in.
She is on her phone a lot and while she is studying hard now, has had huge periods of inertia and isn't where she should be with predicted grades. She has never been put under pressure academically by me , but she wants to do well and at least achieve C/B grades.
Because of the way she managed her time, attendance at college has been below average at best. At the moment it's terrible. We've argued for basically two years about her time management and suffice to say our home hasn't been a happy one. Not to put to fine a point on it, it's been bloody hideous. I'm a single parent and more often than not , her punching bag for every emotion she has. I get it , it's my job - but some days I feel on my knees absorbing it all.
She has one best friend from high school who is lovely but also quiet and shy like her and they don't socialise much in person.
Cut to today and although she is studying hard at home , she has been refusing to attend college for the last 6 weeks consistently and is now not going at all. She is anxious and experiencing overwhelm and panic symptoms when she has tried to go in. After much reluctance, she agreed to see a doctor and they prescribed beta blockers and signposted her for therapy services. I had already arranged reduced-cost private counselling a few months ago and a slot came up two weeks ago but she refused to take it. She believes her exams are the priority and she will not be able to get anything out of counselling until they're done. She isn't taking the beta blocker either. Her plan now is to stay at home and study and attend for exams only.
I've been in touch regularly with her college but they're pretty disinterested. I've let them know she is overwhelmed and anxious but they've never reached out or tried to offer anything in the way of support. They have a policy of no direct contact between teachers and parents.
I contacted the exam office and they've said they can offer her rest breaks and a quiet room on the day of her exams and that's it. I've accepted my daughter won't go back to college now until the exams start but here is my problem: she will not communicate with her teachers about work and has had huge meltdowns with me about communicating her problems to them as well. All the communication I've had with them has had to be agreed with her to the last letter as she doesn't want them to know the extent of her challenges. I asked her doctor to provide a letter for college outlining her challenges and asking for adjustments on exam days , but DD demanded the letter from me and won't let give it to them. I don't understand her reasoning but then I'm guessing that anxiety has robbed her of her logic. She seems highly fixated on their perception of her (but denies that this is the case)
I have of course spoken to them anyway but I've had to hide that from her. She won't communicate with her teachers directly and so to them, she just isn't turning up and they don't actually know she is working hard at home. They'll have had a message from pastoral to say she's got anxiety I'm sure , but she is not engaging with them on their student platform either so they've no other information from her on her current level of study , homework etc. Is there any chance they could withdraw my daughter from the exams at all? Is there something I need to put in place to ensure they don't?
As it stands, I don't even know if she will be able to attend on the days of the exams if she can't get in the building now, however any possibility of a discussion about this with DD is met with huge anger, screaming and rage. She is angry pretty much constantly. Her tolerance for any demands outside of her study is on the floor. She doesnt leave the house much at all and I'm seriously worried about her mental wellbeing. DD is a bright, funny and articulate girl but rigid and uptight in almost all aspects of her life and I have questioned ND for a number of years. If she doesn't make it into college on the day of her exams , I know it will destroy her.