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How to tell DD no sleepovers

423 replies

NoSleepOver · 22/04/2025 21:46

Hi,
My DD is 10 and some of the girls in her year at school have gradually started to have or go to sleep overs. One of the girls in my DD’s class has now invited 5 of them for a sleepover for her birthday.
Now each to their own but I will say that I am very much against sleepovers. I’ve just decided it’s a blanket no. The problem I have now is my DD asking me why not. I know the girls parents fairly well - they aren’t friends of mine but I’ve known them a few years, they seem decent enough and we’ve spent time together with the kids outside of school. But of course you never really know, hence why I’m just saying no to sleepovers for the foreseeable future. I know not everyone will agree, but this is the decision I have made.
DD is now asking me why she can’t go and obviously I can’t say because her parents might be p**s! I obviously don’t think they are, but you never can tell can you. And it’s easier say no to everyone than yes to some and no to others.
To DD so far I’ve said she might not like it and want to come home, that she has no means to contact me as she doesn’t have a phone - DD wants to go and obviously doesn’t understand the issue, so insists she won’t want to come home and that if she needs to speak to me she will ask the parents to contact me.
Help me make it make sense to her and why it’s ok for other people to go and not her!

OP posts:
Purplecatshopaholic · 23/04/2025 08:22

It’s so sad this is the world we live in. I had sleepovers with friends as a young girl and they were so fun and I remember them with real fondness.

Calliopespa · 23/04/2025 08:22

NoSleepOver · 22/04/2025 22:37

I don’t know yet, I don’t have an age in mind. I just know that right now I don’t feel comfortable with it.

Op I think you are right to trust your gut.

None of us know the families in consideration and a mother has instincts for a reason.

My Dc have done them and hosted them too. I wish they weren’t such a thing; I find them a pita tbh.

loubielou31 · 23/04/2025 08:26

Sorry, I have read a lot of the replies but not all.
At the moment I think that you should let dd go and enjoy most of the sleepover, (probably pizza and a movie wearing their PJs) but you will pick her up at a suitably late time (11pm?). I think that's a happy compromise.
I think that maybe you should get her a (dumb) phone so she has the means to contact you and you her when needed.
I think you need to give your child the vocabulary and the means to keep herself safe. Talking about appropriate behaviour, what they should do if they feel at all worried, about anything. Strategies that can be used...

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

thewashingneverends · 23/04/2025 08:28

I don't let my dad (12) have sleepovers but we do let her stay as late as possible and go collect
The first time we said no she was upset, until she realised 3 of the other girls were being collected also. It's not as uncommon as you think and you might find once her friends parents realise you've said no, they might follow
We don't know these parents other than to exchange pleasantries, we don't know what the set up is in the home or who they might have in visiting, if they are drinking etc
They are effectively strangers to us xx

Gymmum82 · 23/04/2025 08:28

I was sexually abused by a family member in broad daylight (ie not after dark or at bed time) with both my parents in the same house. It happened regularly for years from about age 7 to 12 ish when I refused to go round to the house anymore.
My own children still go on sleepovers, I wouldn’t deny them that part of childhood or want them left out of friendship groups because of my own fear.

Luckily my abuse hasn’t affected my own life a great deal. I’ve never needed therapy. I never went off the rails. It was just something that happened and I moved on

NewJobNewHours · 23/04/2025 08:30

Of the people I know who have been abused in the night, sadly one was by own father and other was by friends of her father, and none at sleep overs. I had never thought of no sleepovers as a thing until recently, but really do see OP point. As with anything there is a risk/benefit to be judged and I hope I will be comfortable for my daughter to do some, so she doesn't feel she missed out, but not do too many with many different people to reduce the risk.

DefinitelyNotMaybe · 23/04/2025 08:33

This phase of everyone having sleepovers will pass. Mine never had them - like hell was I going to be responsible for a bunch of other people's kids at 3am, and there are plenty of daylight hours for them to socialise. Maybe it's because I'm a teacher and the safeguarding is ingrained? Once they got to 16/17 and friends needed to crash because they missed the last bus, fair enough, but they could look after themselves by that point. My sanity, my rules.

Calliopespa · 23/04/2025 08:38

thewashingneverends · 23/04/2025 08:28

I don't let my dad (12) have sleepovers but we do let her stay as late as possible and go collect
The first time we said no she was upset, until she realised 3 of the other girls were being collected also. It's not as uncommon as you think and you might find once her friends parents realise you've said no, they might follow
We don't know these parents other than to exchange pleasantries, we don't know what the set up is in the home or who they might have in visiting, if they are drinking etc
They are effectively strangers to us xx

I’ve sometimes wondered this: if we all just said no, might the other mums feel they can say no because their Dc won’t be the only ones left out of going, and the whole cycle will stop?!

The whole thing is a pain. Hosting is marginally worse as you can’t really sleep because you are keeping an ear out. Then they are up with the larks… and foully grumpy all day.

brunettemic · 23/04/2025 08:40

Poor kid.

Viviennemary · 23/04/2025 08:45

You can't make sense of this decision because it isn't a fair one.

Matronic6 · 23/04/2025 08:46

If she's 10, won't she be doing a school residential soon?

I think if it's really important to your DD you should try and get to know the other parents a bit better. I definitely wouldn't push your fears onto her.

4timesthefun · 23/04/2025 08:46

Fran2023 · 23/04/2025 06:56

@4timesthefun I conclude that, predictably, your work has had a major impact on your parenting. I was struck by the following statistic from the BPS: ‘Only 5 per cent of sexual assaults committed against children are perpetrated by strangers (Snyder, 2000), indicating that assault often involves the abuse of a trusting interpersonal relationship.’
If you assume that the child does not have a close relationship with the parents, older siblings, other adults in the household of the sleepover then doesn’t that suggest sexual assault is less likely than in the child’s own home and by immediate friends and family?
Logically I would assume that those who don’t allow sleepovers do not use babysitters or leave children alone with other family members either. After all, as suggested by the BPS research, they are higher risk than sleepovers.

Edited

A friend’s parent would be considered in the people known to the child. In that research, a stranger is literally that. A stranger. If your child knows ‘that’s bob, my friend Jane’s dad’ then they aren’t a stranger! That’s I think where people go a bit wrong with the stats. A parent or sibling at a sleepover isn’t a stranger, so the 5% doesn’t apply. They sit in the 95%

CeeJay81 · 23/04/2025 08:47

I think if you aren't letting her go for this reason, which is understandable. Could you get to know her best friend's family better, so that you may be more comfortable with her having a sleepover there down the line.

Applesandpears23 · 23/04/2025 08:49

You are not the only parent who feels like this. We said yes to one sleepover as the only adult in that house is a female teacher. I have said no to the others and picked her up at 10pm.

4timesthefun · 23/04/2025 08:49

Purplecatshopaholic · 23/04/2025 08:22

It’s so sad this is the world we live in. I had sleepovers with friends as a young girl and they were so fun and I remember them with real fondness.

Is it just this world though? I was sexually abused at a sleepover by my best friend’s father too. In reconnecting with old friends as adults, he had sexually abused 7 of us in her friendship group….. I’m not a spring chicken!

faerietales · 23/04/2025 08:49

Yazzi · 23/04/2025 08:16

I would absolutely agree with your last paragraph, and in fact isn't that exactly what OP is also trying to achieve in her request for advice here?

Yep - which is why I also said upthread that her current reasons are illogical and will potentially do more harm than good. She’s currently telling her child she’ll be scared and will want to come home but is allowing her to attend the school residential - it doesn’t make sense and a 10yo will see that.

Jollyhockeystickss · 23/04/2025 08:50

Yes fill your boots if you want her bullied and to have no friends and be excluded, all the other girls will talk about what a baby she is that she's not there, there will lots of sleepovers that's how friendships are made and you want her excluded from that, let her go lend her your phone so she can keep in touch, but you won't let her go it sounds like you see her as an object to control, why would you want her to lose her friends, that's not love

Nerdynerdynerd · 23/04/2025 08:50

Just say we don't do sleepovers because we cant return the favour. Whilst also teaching your child to be assertive, about secrets and about body privacy.

It's not necessarily that you think the parents are paedos it's that you don't know the neighbour, the uncle, the brother, brothers friend etc. Why risk it? One night can significantly impact and even ruin someone's life.

Statistically its exactly where your child will be abused. It's not the weirdo hanging around the playground. It's the friendly, charming and successful friends dad or the lovely hockey coach all the kids love.

That or one explicitly violent or sexual video shown at a sleepover can really mess a child up. What's been seen cant be unseen. Take the heat and upset from your daughter as the alternative is way worse.

Some posters saying you'll offend the parents or youll not be friends with them. Grow up. Number one priority is protecting my children, adults are big enough to deal with their own feelings.

faerietales · 23/04/2025 08:51

Matronic6 · 23/04/2025 08:46

If she's 10, won't she be doing a school residential soon?

I think if it's really important to your DD you should try and get to know the other parents a bit better. I definitely wouldn't push your fears onto her.

This is the thing - OP is allowing her to attend the residential but also telling her she’ll be too scared to attend a sleepover with her friends. It makes no sense (hence why DD is arguing back!)

scalt · 23/04/2025 08:54

It is tricky, because you are essentially saying to your children, "I don't trust your friend's parents". It's a tricky one, the idea that friends' parents are not to be trusted. When first learning about "stranger danger" and "don't talk to strangers" as it was then, I remember thinking "but that means everyone around me is a stranger". Childhood logic. I used to say to people such as my parents' friends (when I was 6) "I can't talk to you, you're a stranger".

In the end, how long do you keep trying to protect your children from every eventuality? Where do you draw the line? As others have said, the "danger" you are fearing is not limited to sleepovers: it can happen on days out, Brownie overnight stays, foreign language exchanges, school residential trips. (Do host families in foreign languages exchange trips have to be DBS checked, nowadays? Also host families of au pairs?) I went on a German exchange aged 14: if these risks crossed my parents' minds, I never knew, although they were alarmed to hear afterwards that somebody took me on a motorbike. The danger of that didn't occur to me at the time, at all. Other children on the trip had to cycle to school on dark mornings, when the temperature was -2; should their parents have been up in arms about the icy roads, and the cold?

When I was fifteen, I went on a two-week trip abroad involving boys and girls, all staying in the same house, but in separate rooms. My parents told me to look out for myself, and made sure that I knew about contraception, "just in case", and gave me some to take with me, but they certainly didn't prevent me going. (For the record, absolutely nothing untoward happened!)

For the age group here, your DD might not know why you are anxious about this, and might parrot what you do tell her, which could have other consequences. This is an extreme example (as extreme as abuse actually happening), but if a child was to hear "you can't stay at your friend's house overnight, because I don't know her parents well enough", that child might repeat to her friends "Sorry I can't come, my mum says she doesn't know your parents well enough", which might in turn get back to the parents. The children might not understand the implication, but the other parents will; the idea of abuse might not even have crossed their minds, and they might in turn be angry at the accusation, and say to their children "now we are forbidding you to be friends with them, because they think we might do something to you". An extreme idea I know, but it's an example of how being over-protective can have unintended consequences. Something like "she thinks your parents are paedos" could easily spread around the whole group, if not handled carefully, leaving somebody ostracised from the whole group.

Some replies here have suggested saying "you're not going to anyone else's sleepover, but we can have them here". Why should a parent saying this be more trustworthy than any other parent? Would all the adults in the host's house have to be DBS checked? "I can't trust other parents, but they can trust me." Think about it.

Sooner or later, children have to branch out on their own, and go to places overnight. I agree with @Runnersandtoms suggestion about using the opportunity to teach her about bodily autonomy; if she has a phone, tell her to confirm at bedtime that she is OK, and offer her the opportunity of fetching her in the night, no questions asked. The world is full of risk, and I think it does children a disservice to try too hard to protect them from every eventuality.

Calliopespa · 23/04/2025 08:54

Jollyhockeystickss · 23/04/2025 08:50

Yes fill your boots if you want her bullied and to have no friends and be excluded, all the other girls will talk about what a baby she is that she's not there, there will lots of sleepovers that's how friendships are made and you want her excluded from that, let her go lend her your phone so she can keep in touch, but you won't let her go it sounds like you see her as an object to control, why would you want her to lose her friends, that's not love

And now, folks, we’ve heard from the ten year old herself …

4timesthefun · 23/04/2025 08:58

Fran2023 · 23/04/2025 06:56

@4timesthefun I conclude that, predictably, your work has had a major impact on your parenting. I was struck by the following statistic from the BPS: ‘Only 5 per cent of sexual assaults committed against children are perpetrated by strangers (Snyder, 2000), indicating that assault often involves the abuse of a trusting interpersonal relationship.’
If you assume that the child does not have a close relationship with the parents, older siblings, other adults in the household of the sleepover then doesn’t that suggest sexual assault is less likely than in the child’s own home and by immediate friends and family?
Logically I would assume that those who don’t allow sleepovers do not use babysitters or leave children alone with other family members either. After all, as suggested by the BPS research, they are higher risk than sleepovers.

Edited

I would probably add to this, it hasn’t had a broader impact. I have assessed plenty of drunk drivers who have killed innocent road users. I still drive a car with my children, my eldest has still learnt to drive, and I let them ride their bikes around independently. The difference is in my estimation of the probability. They are far more likely to be sexually abused than to be hit by a drunk driver when they are on a bike ride. 3 of mine are on an elite sport pathway, if their coaches asked to drive them home or spend 1 on 1 time without me there, the answer would also be no….. it’s a sheer numbers game to me in some ways. My kids would probably say I’m a pretty relaxed parent, so I think this can very much be a parenting issue where people have a personal or professional experience (I have both) re sexual abuse at sleepovers, which guides their thinking. Also, many sexual abuse victims don’t disclose for years or decades. Just because people think it hasn’t happened to their child on a sleepover in the last few years, doesn’t make that fact either unfortunately.

MusedeBordeaux · 23/04/2025 08:58

Ywudu · 23/04/2025 00:37

At my first and only sleepover at 11 I was assaulted by the 15 year old brother. Thankfully he got too excited too quickly whilst I was fighting him so his attempt to rape me failed. Another 11 year old in my class hadn't been so lucky the weekend before, I only know because he told me whilst trying to get me to stop struggling.
Neither of us ever told anyone, by 16 she was in a mental institution with self harm scars that made her look like a burns survivor.
My children don't go to sleep overs and we don't hold sleep overs at ours. I just say no and I don't agree with them. If they want to know why when they are older I will tell them.

How terrifying for you.

Did you report this?

AliceMcK · 23/04/2025 08:58

NoSleepOver · 22/04/2025 22:38

Thanks, I get what you mean and I do have the worry that she’d be missing out, but if that includes missing out on potentially being abused then I’m ok with that

At 10 she’s more than old enough to know your reasons, how you tell her is key though.

we had a no sleepover rule for the same reason, but I let my oldest have her first 1 at 10yo. She knew my reasons I’d said no for years. I taught all my DDs from very young about body autonomy, safe touching and eventually what abuse was. They know to always tell me anytime someone has made them feel uncomfortable and that they can contact me any time. They got phones at 10yo and have iPads with Messanger accounts to be able to contact me day or night.

we also allowed sleepovers here so there was no missing out. There was never any awkward reciprocation or why can milly come to ours conversations. It was a simple no milly can’t do sleepovers until X age, any probing would be shut down with it’s our choice.

I would never have let my DDs have sleepovers unless I wasn’t confident they would scream the house down if anyone touched them.

Jollyhockeystickss · 23/04/2025 08:59

Someone has to speak for the 10 year old as no one is listening to her