How to tell DD no sleepovers

[NoSleepOver]

Hi,
My DD is 10 and some of the girls in her year at school have gradually started to have or go to sleep overs. One of the girls in my DD’s class has now invited 5 of them for a sleepover for her birthday.
Now each to their own but I will say that I am very much against sleepovers. I’ve just decided it’s a blanket no. The problem I have now is my DD asking me why not. I know the girls parents fairly well - they aren’t friends of mine but I’ve known them a few years, they seem decent enough and we’ve spent time together with the kids outside of school. But of course you never really know, hence why I’m just saying no to sleepovers for the foreseeable future. I know not everyone will agree, but this is the decision I have made.
DD is now asking me why she can’t go and obviously I can’t say because her parents might be p**s! I obviously don’t think they are, but you never can tell can you. And it’s easier say no to everyone than yes to some and no to others.
To DD so far I’ve said she might not like it and want to come home, that she has no means to contact me as she doesn’t have a phone - DD wants to go and obviously doesn’t understand the issue, so insists she won’t want to come home and that if she needs to speak to me she will ask the parents to contact me.
Help me make it make sense to her and why it’s ok for other people to go and not her!

A lot of my fun childhood memories are of giggly silly sleepovers, watching a movie and eating snacks.
I know that's not what the chat is about but just be prepared for it to affect your daughter's friendships and inclusion at school. That's just a fact. She will resent that when her friends are all laughing at some in joke or something silly thing that happened at the sleepovers.
There is protecting your daughter from parents you have never met and then there is risk assessing to the paranoid degree.

This is a good response. And I agree with you, I don’t trust sleepovers either, I would only allow them (my dc are very little) with people I know inside out like close family or my absolute best friends, other than that it’s a no. She will be disappointed but it’s better to be that and safe.

This is also a nice idea, they go and enjoy the fun but don’t stay the night.

She’s only 10 OP, there’s plenty of time for things as she gets older.

Most families I've met through kids schools and family and friends don't allow sleepovers. Including me and my husband for our children. Eldest is 21 and not traumatised by it
I think it's a really overrated childhood activity - on the whole unpleasant for parents and kids alike and really don't understand the obsession with it
Although I suspect it's so parents get child free time with reciprocal sleepovers and I therefore lump it in with lazy parenting such as IPad use at restaurants etc

Two things here make no sense to me:

A) Why do you think sexual abuse only happens at night? It can happen at any time, in any place. We cannot keep our children away from all situations in which they could be abused, while still enabling them to develop normally. This is true of other risks too.

B) your refusal to tell your child about the concept of sexual abuse is massively endangering her and making her really vulnerable. She needs to understand what appropriate physical boundaries are, what to do if someone crosses them, and that this could happen in any situation. I do not understand why on earth you, and other posters who agree with you, think it's appropriate to keep your child in the dark about bodily autonomy and safety.

Overall I do feel quite upset and worried for your daughter. You have imposed a random restriction that makes no sense in terms of safeguarding but will impact her life on a negative way, and she isn't even allowed to understand your reasons. Of course, it is normal and appropriate for parents to have control over their children to some extent, but when parents and carers impose random rules and refuse to account for them it is potentially very destabilising and damaging for the children. In addition, it appears you are trying to delay her learning age-appropriately about sex, boundaries etc, and that is really quite worrying in terns of her future safety.

If you are a genuine loving parent with no sinister motives, please rethink these actions. Especially the lack of education you are providing your daughter with that could help her stay safe - that's the really really worrying part.

Why would she have sinister motives?

I've hosted sleepovers here but I am a single parent so no men in the house, I'm not sure if that makes people feel more comfortable. Like you OP, I am worried about abuse at sleepovers despite this not happening to me on the many sleepovers I went to as a child.

My children have slept over at friends houses that I really know their parents but I haven't come up against friends where I don't know the parents really well. I am trying to teach my children boundaries and the ability to say 'no and stop' if there is anything they are uncomfortable with but is that enough? I don't know.

Risk management (including with kids) is considering the likelihood they’d be at risk, rather than presuming the worst possible scenario. That’s why many people take their kids in cars. They could be killed or maimed in a RTA. But they most likely won’t.

However, 10 is a little young. It’s still primary age and most kids at that age aren’t well equipped to know how to react in an emergency. For example, it’s not common for kids of that age to travel alone, even walking to school. Or to be left at home alone or looking after younger siblings. Plus, she doesn’t have a phone to contact you direct.

It also depends on whether you’ve been to the friend’s home. If you’ve never been invited there yourself, you haven’t had chance assess any dangers. A sex attacker is unlikely, but there could be other dangers: fire risks, medications lying around, unrestricted internet access, poor supervision, lack of hygiene, dangerous pets, risky visitors, irresponsible older siblings.

Suggest simply explaining to your DD that you think 10 is too young for sleepovers at a home you’ve never been to. But she’ll be allowed once she’s a teenager. All parents have different levels of comfort with agreeing to their kids’ requests. It varies from child to child. Some 10 year olds are pretty mature and confident. Others are still very childlike. As a parent the key is weighing up if it’s reasonable to say no and staying firm with what you feel comfortable with. Instinct can be a powerful thing.

I’d probably say yes, unless my instinct was telling me otherwise. But I think it’s reasonable to say no.

I disagree that taking decisions about what you are comfortable with as a parent is treating a child like a thing to “ control.”

It’s parenting.

That argument sounds like the sort of thing an adolescent would try on.

You are going to make her life a misery when people find out your reasons (and they will). The parents will be very unhappy about it, and that will reflect on all the relationships that your DD has in school. Why not compromise and say you will pick her up at 10pm (for example). Make the problem yours, and nothing to do with the parents of the other child. The easiest thing is to have multiple sleepovers at your house, and then hopefully no one will notice that your daughter is not going to their houses.

Host sleepovers at your house instead.

She will resent you massively for this....would it not be better to equip her with the tools to deal with any issues (very unlikely) that would arise? For teenagers sleepovers are such a big deal.

I know someone who went to a sleepover to a single mums and the mother’s brother came round. You can guess the rest.

I think youre right about education and having a voice and letting your child know that you’ll always be there, I’m teaching my DC ‘no secrets’ too, not because I want to know their personal gossip but I want them to understand that if someone asks them to keep something a secret from me it’s not acceptable and so far they get it. But I guess sometimes you just have to shield your child. It’s so hard and so sad that we have to be this way as parents.

My DD is 19 now but when she was younger she went to (and I hosted) many sleepovers.
I agree that for you to host and for her not to go any would seem strange as others have said.
Picking her up late seems an ok compromise and it does make sense that the chances of anything happening with a loud group of wide awake girls v remote.
Although as an 11 year old I was s/a during the day on a boat full of people.

My children's classmates have a wide range of ages at which they were or will be allowed to go on sleepovers, from preschool through to teenagers. The low-information options are to say all families have different rules (and you can point out down the track some areas where you may be more lenient than her friend's parents), or that it's your job to keep her safe and she can go when she is X years old to trusted families sleepovers. Or the high-info version, you tell her the truth, that a lot of girls are abused, that even if you think people seem nice it's not always easy to spot who would be an abuser, and that even though you'd love her to be able to do every fun thing that comes up, keeping her safe until she is old enough to be better equipped to deal with situations that may arise is more important.

I don't have a brother and there are never any other adults that come over when I have the kids over. I'm really conscious about that, a friend not so much - she would have random tinder dates over so I would never rely on single mothers myself.

This is a bit insane op.
What do you mean ‘p*’ - perverts or pissed?! I couldn’t tell- either seems a huge over reaction tbh. I think you should relax and let her go! It’s a normal thing for kids to do and these aren’t random people you’ve never met. I think you risk isolating her at this age- girls can be so mean and it’s likely important to her she can be included in these types of social groups. Are you generally anxious and untrusting of people? I really can’t see any reason why you hold this stance. If you were saying one of the parents’ had just come out of prison or takes drugs I think we’d all see your point but unless there’s more background you’re massively over reacting.

All these people clambering to prove that it’s perfectly ok to farm your kids out to any takers for the sake of a bit of peace and quiet are gross. It’s sod all to do with wanting to give them independence and everything to do with wanting an easy life. The op’s said she doesn’t want her kid at sleepovers. She’s taking a hard road and the hard road often is the right one in parenting.
The stats may talk about sexual assaults being mainly perpetrated by family members but a lot of sexual assaults are unreported especially the type that go on at sleepovers so we don’t really know what the true numbers are. Plenty of people on this thread have reported their own horrible experiences and if you’re any sort of parent you should be bloody listening not ignoring or poo pooing just because it’s more convenient.

Oh op. Ours started much younger than that. Please don't let he be excluded from all the planning the excitement, the fun of a sleepover.

A room full of kids is probably the safest place. It's the kids who are alone and isolated probably more likely to be targeted if we are thinking there are pervs on every corner.

Why would the parents be very unhappy about it? If she was singling someone out, they might be offended, but most parents I know would understand it's just about protecting her daughter, even if some might think it's over-protective, and others would think its perfectly normal. One of my kid's friends isn't allowed to go on any sleepovers until she's at least 13 for the same reason, and we would never take that as a personal insult.

edited

I am in a same sex relationship and we invited one my daughters friends for a sleepover. The parents told me that we were the only home they would allow their daughter to sleep at because we were two females. They had a very horrific experience of abuse within their family so had made up their minds to protect their own child as best they could. There is no one who could have listened to their story and not understood why some people do not allow sleepovers. It's a personal decision but it is hard to explain to children without seeming like you're accusing their friends families of potentially being sex offenders. I think a late pick up compromise is the best solution or opening up your own home to their friends.

This is a tricky one. My DD didn’t start asking for sleepovers at that age I don’t think? She might have asked about one but didn’t push it. When I was primary school age I had regular stay overs but only with one best friend who my parents were friends with her parents and it was reciprocated. So not a bit sleepover.

I do think it’s quite early for it. I would say something along the lines of ‘we think it’s too early. Probably when you’re 12/13 but we’ll look at it again then’ so you aren’t committing? In my experience that’s when sleepovers really took off. But by then your daughter will have a phone to contact you if she needs it, you’ll be able to have more age appropriate chats and also they tend to settle in to a friendship group and you get to know them a little better.

The other thing with hosting one now / soon is you could just be really honest with other parents and if they try and reciprocate then you can say ‘really sorry, we’re not comfortable with DD staying with others yet which is why we’re hosting.’ I know parents who’ve done / said things like that before and it’s not an issue.

My DD is nearly 16 now and some of her best memories are from sleepovers but there has been one where I wasn’t sure of the parents and the set up. That night was fine, although I worried and I did refuse any further sleepovers there and explained to her why and she actually agreed. Sometimes gut instinct is the only way with parenting isn’t it. If your gut is saying not yet, then go with not yet x

Sleepovers were a big part of my sons “social life” from around 6. Always the same little group of friends whose parents I knew.
They had such fun, staying up very late, midnight feasts, playing silly games, reading, talking late into the night. Once they got to secondary school I didn’t know the parents at all, but knew of them. For my part I was always happy to host, buy lots of extra food etc. For them it was just lovely, cemented friendships that have lasted. I feel sorry for children that don’t have this experience.

'It’s sod all to do with wanting to give them independence and everything to do with wanting an easy life'

Nothing to do with an easy life. At 10 ours were not hard work anyway .

It's about friendships, allowing our dc to be included in groups of friends. The kid who gets picked up at 9pm will feel stupid and excluded, why on earth would any parent want that for their dc.