How to tell DD no sleepovers

[NoSleepOver]

Hi,
My DD is 10 and some of the girls in her year at school have gradually started to have or go to sleep overs. One of the girls in my DD’s class has now invited 5 of them for a sleepover for her birthday.
Now each to their own but I will say that I am very much against sleepovers. I’ve just decided it’s a blanket no. The problem I have now is my DD asking me why not. I know the girls parents fairly well - they aren’t friends of mine but I’ve known them a few years, they seem decent enough and we’ve spent time together with the kids outside of school. But of course you never really know, hence why I’m just saying no to sleepovers for the foreseeable future. I know not everyone will agree, but this is the decision I have made.
DD is now asking me why she can’t go and obviously I can’t say because her parents might be p**s! I obviously don’t think they are, but you never can tell can you. And it’s easier say no to everyone than yes to some and no to others.
To DD so far I’ve said she might not like it and want to come home, that she has no means to contact me as she doesn’t have a phone - DD wants to go and obviously doesn’t understand the issue, so insists she won’t want to come home and that if she needs to speak to me she will ask the parents to contact me.
Help me make it make sense to her and why it’s ok for other people to go and not her!

OP you can’t keep her away from all situations where she conceivably might be abused. Abuse can happen from grandparents and other relatives, babysitters and schools, swimming baths, other children in the park etc etc. DD would end up very anxious and unable to cope with the world if you stopped all contact with other people. Can’t you instead make a judgement about each situation she wants to take part in? Six girls sleeping together in the home of a decent family you know are most unlikely to be at risk.

I’m a single parent with no boyfriend or partner. No adult male children. DBS checked up to my eyeballs? Hypothetically, would you allow your daughter to sleep at my house?
It’s good to examine where these fears come from. Is it the fear of her being sexually abused? Is it worried about parents mistreating her or her being lonely or missing you and not being able to contact you? Or is it you?
Please don’t give her the message that the world is a big scary place to be afraid of.

Hi OP, I am sorry you are getting a hard time here. We also don’t do sleepovers, plenty of other activities children can do together and they don’t “miss out”.
sometimes as parents we have to make unpopular decisions to protect the child. In my culture people think it’s highly unusual that children sleep in stranger’s houses and wouldn’t allow it unless it’s close family members. I usually collect DD after party games, dinner and movie so she can have the party bit and then sleeps at home. I also didn’t let her go on the Y3 residential, I googled the place and the second article that came up was about a paedo who had worked there last year. So clearly their safeguarding wasn’t good!

@4timesthefun I conclude that, predictably, your work has had a major impact on your parenting. I was struck by the following statistic from the BPS: ‘Only 5 per cent of sexual assaults committed against children are perpetrated by strangers (Snyder, 2000), indicating that assault often involves the abuse of a trusting interpersonal relationship.’
If you assume that the child does not have a close relationship with the parents, older siblings, other adults in the household of the sleepover then doesn’t that suggest sexual assault is less likely than in the child’s own home and by immediate friends and family?
Logically I would assume that those who don’t allow sleepovers do not use babysitters or leave children alone with other family members either. After all, as suggested by the BPS research, they are higher risk than sleepovers.

I don’t know the other parents well, I don’t know what access to
devices the children have, what they watch when parent is asleep, if parent has a BF staying over etc. so no I would not.

funny that protecting your small innocent child has become an issue. Would you hand over your DD to a strange couple on the street doe a sleepover? So why should I give my child do a strange couple that I have maybe seen 3 times on the school run.

I am so sorry this happened to you.

Did you tell your mother? Or were you worried that she’d restrict your sleepover privileges again if you told her?

I don’t think it matters. Parents are capable of reading between the lines anyway, and likely will know the reason even if all they get told is “X isn’t allowed to go to sleepovers”. Even if it’s not sexual abuse specifically that they think you’re worried about, it’s clear it’s an issue if you not trusting that your child will be safe.

I also think most reasonable parents wouldn’t be offended if it’s a blanket rule. I wouldn’t be, it’s not personal.

You should be honest with your DD though, in terms of it being about you being worried about her. Rather than saying she can’t go because you think she’ll be scared and want to go home. I think that’s a very unfair thing to say because she wants to go, but what you’re telling her is “no, I know better about your feelings/emotions”, when actually the truth is “I know better about the risks” which is a normal parenting dynamic - people have different boundaries (as you can see from the thread), but all parents have at various points said no to certain things because they have a better understanding of the risks.

Plus telling her she'll be scared at a one night sleepover but then allowing her to go on a school residential which is presumably for a longer time and further away makes no sense at all!

Have one at yours OP to make up for it. Other parents get it.
Alternative is let her go for the party part and stay until late, collect her late when it starts to wind down. That's a good compromise

The majority of ‘paedos’ are relatives, dads, uncles, brothers, grandfathers. So you’re going to eliminate those from voting or living in your house too?

You have your idea of how you want to approach this. That’s your prerogative. But please don’t gas light your dd into thinking this is because she might be scared being away for a night. This is your issue and not hers.

just tell her that mummy is very anxious that they may not look after her properly and due to mummy’s anxiety she will not be allowed to have sleepovers with her friends until X age. Make it clear that this is your decision and nothing to do with her being anxious or you not trusting her. Better she’s mad at you than starts to believe that these are her anxieties, other wise she may start to struggle on school residential trips etc.

Completely agree. You can’t say it’s all because of her potential issues then not give her the opportunity to try. At least be honest and let her know it’s your own issue.

So sorry you went though this.

Similar happened to someone I know - the abuser was arrested eventually after one of the girls reported it, he’d done it to several of his DDs friends over years of sleepovers :(

We’ve never let our DC have a sleepover - part of our decision to protect them how we feel is best and explained that to them as carefully as we could.

As Parents, we need to parent, and make our own decisions for our DC.

How to make your children anxious and paranoid..... tell them that staying with a friend's family is "not safe". And we wonder why so many kids have mental health issues these days? Unbelievable.

Fair enough but this sounds like your anxiety. I think you need to give her an age when she can. Plus if she is older she may have a phone etc. I think you may be causing resentment to not let her full stop. I would only allow it with parents I trust but maybe you can spend time getting to know some parents a bit better.

Personally I allowed sleepovers with parents I knew, obviously your choice if you don't want to. But I think it's better to just tell her "I'm not comfortable, I would worry about you." and make it about you, rather than about her being somehow unable to cope with a sleepover, which all her friends will be doing.

Sure it will be frustrating for her, but as someone who also had a protective mother who often wouldn't let me do what my friends were, but always made it; "No because you'll be scared, you'll be worried, xyz thing might happen and you won't be able to handle it" ... being repeatedly told I was just more weak and incompetent than anyone else my age was not a good thing! ( Obviously I realize now she didn't mean it that way, but it's what I heard as a child).

I am pretty sure most parents are not allowing their young children go to sleepovers with "strangers". It seems fairly self evident that the "strangers" which are referred to in that research would encompass the normal meaning of no previous contact or relationship. Most people know the parents they are entrusting their children with at night beyond the level of total stranger, and if not, they seriously need to reassess their risk tolerance.

What a stupid comment. Kids don’t have mental health issues, because they are not allowed to sleep in other people’s homes. What nonsense.

The excuses you’re making at the moment not only have the potential to really harm your DD long term, they also make absolutely no sense when you’re allowing her to stay away overnight with the school

I think you're being overprotective and overthinking it.

If you know the parents I'm not sure what the problem is.

how has no sleepovers = being strictest parent ever. op has made no indication whatsoever that her dd isnt allowed to do anything else.

No - they develop mental health issues when they’re raised by anxious parents who don’t trust anyone else.

Well one way is suggested here- allow attendance to a certain time of the evening. But even if you're not comfortable with that- sleepovers are a small part of children's overall relationships and social contact (school, birthday parties, hanging out together after school at the park or shops as age appropriate) that simply as the parent modelling "oh she can't attend, no worries she can catch up with everyone tomorrow when we go to X/ at school the next day" instead of doing the very English nonjudgemental thing of tight lips, raised eyebrows "oh she's not allowed? What a SHAME" would help a lot.

Having worked with perpetrators and seen the impact on victims of SA at sleepovers, I would absolutely choose your made up mental health consequences of avoiding sleepovers than the very real and far more damaging mental health impacts of when they go wrong for my kids.

I suffered from all those things too, and I was a kid that was allowed to do everything. It may have been cultural, but I was essentially making my own decisions from a very young age.

The abuse I suffered as a result left me anxious, self harming, and damaged me for life.

I really don't understand those who think that sleepovers are the be all and end all of a child's existence and happiness.

It's so bizarre. Many cultures don't do this, including in the UK, and the children are usually absolutely fine.

Personally OP I have been nothing but glad that I did not allow dc sleepovers. In primary school one of the parents was arrested, it was found he had been taking pictures and videos at sleepovers and sharing them with a ring online. He was one of those friendly guys that was a pillar of the community, involved in the PTA and chatted to everyone in the school playground.

Again in YR6 it was found that a group of children were watching hard-core rape pornography at a sleepover when they went to a house that allowed devices upstairs at night. One of the boys has never been the same since and has been gradually cut from friendship circles as he started talking to the girls like trash.