Well I've just lost my daughter due to the Supreme Court ruling. s

[Lucelady]

So as not to drip feed she's a Ftm trans person and a universty student.
I've just been called a TERF, JKR supporter and transphobic. We've had four years of peace and understanding with her not wanting any surgery or hormones. She listened to the ruling last week and we chatted it through. The last few days she's been glued to the Internet and her phone. Now it's all changed and her 'friends' have called for action. What that action is I've no idea.
She's stormed out.

He strikes me as very wise.

I took would prioritise my relationship with my child over my position on this.

It is a shame you didn't. You can't blame the supreme court for that.

In nature, gender fluidity is nothing new (particularly among ocean creatures e.g. wrasse changes from female to male at a certain age). If evolution is to be believed, we all came from the sea, therefore all these gender fluid feelings/ urges are probably rooted in our natural being i.e. perfectly natural... In a world we now live where such feelings can be vocalised, one shouldn't be surprise there are plenty of noises on the subject.
That said, aggressively pushing others to accept / acknowledge their feelings are unacceptable and there are plenty of shouters out there who are simply caught up in the trend with some now regret having taken hormones / had surgery.
OP, I feel you know which camp your DD falls on, perhaps you can reason with her from a stand point of acceptance and work together in finding a way out of her confused state.

Most of us have evolved a hell of a long way from pond life, @veggie50 !

No it's their delusion.

Would you agree with your anorexic emaciated daughter that she is fat if it was 'her truth'?

This is a good analogy

Nobody's "truth" should require other people to lie.

A name change is fine as the concept of male and female names is cultural anyway.

Pronouns I could manage because some languages don't have gendered pronouns and there's an old fashioned usage of calling both sexes "he" anyway.

But nobody should require another person to lie about a moment as significant in their lives as giving birth to a daughter...or a son.

Disclaimer: I'm not a parent of teenagers, so may well be talking rubbish.

Some of the most effective parenting responses my mother ever gave to some of my more "interesting" experiments/ideas as a teenager and young adult was by not responding at all. I can still remember her complete non-reaction, beyond a mild compliment about my lipstick, to my attempt at full goth makeup one evening. Other than that, crickets. Stopped that stone cold in its tracks with hardly looking up from her book. 😑

Consciously or unconsciously we're often looking for a reaction from our parents and for the opportunity to angrily rail against them, if given even the hint of pushback. She's obviously looking for an 'evil terf' mum to complain about, as it is part of the standard online narrative of the trans movement and she wants to feel fully part of her tribe, so that requires a bogeyman. Don't provide it for her. Her dad has the right idea, don't provide any reaction. Be boring.

You can say, "I agree with the SC ruling, but if you don't, that's fine. We’re adults and can disagree." She likely won’t accept that, but you don’t need to engage further. Set your boundaries and move on with your day.

Young adults often seek attention through parental reactions, they're really like overgrown toddlers. Engaging only reinforces the cycle. Follow your husband’s lead—don’t react to this behavior or the trans topic at all.

Horrible for you, what a muddle she's in. Glad she came home

That's her problem, not yours.

Oh for the days when dressing like Bowie or being into bross was the thing

It's so tragic that many vulnerable young people have joined this bandwagon to fit in.

@Wherehavetheteaspoonsgone great post and I wholeheartedly agree it's just a deep shame that today's rebellion could mean life wrecking drugs and total transformation

• with a side order of men using it as a fetish and sexual perversion

I don't think the average 21 year old is an overgrown toddler doing things for their parents attention. Also, why even mention whether you agree with the ruling? I don't think that would be considered not engaging. It's more "this is what I think and if you don't like it tough". Probably not great for future relationship.

As long as your priority throughout has been maintaining your connection with your child, it's not the ruling that has caused this - it's the influences around them. I hope things settle down.

If you've prioritised your conflicting ideology over them in the past however, then it's not the ruling - it's your failure to prioritise the connection. Your husband sounds like he has the right approach - as your daughter hasn't made any moves to medically transition, I personally would see no harm in what she's doing. It would confuse me, but then so does Snapchat. Whatever, it's not for me, if she's not hurting herself or anyone else, crack on... She'll sort her head out one way or another eventually, and at that point, I'd want there to be a relationship still there so I could help her.

When I was anorexic my family just showered me with love and support. If I had needed medical treatment they would have sought it. But what I needed was to feel supported and not judged and allowed to process the trauma that had triggered the anorexia.

No goth lipstick would potentially make you sterile and mutilated.

I hope they would have done more than “supported” you getting medical treatment for a life threatening medical condition which no doubt was the difference between life or death

@Lucelady how terribly tough this is for you - and your DD.

Your situation and other's posts has some echoes of a recent challenging time with one of our DC. (Nothing to do with trans issues) This may not be helpful so apologies if irrelevant. They got very very angry with me, DH was excused as they never expected any emotional support from them!

I think in late teens / early 20s lots of young adults need to process quite a lot of feelings, pent up anger and it can boil over and they often take it out on the person they love most and who invested most in their upbringing aka their mother. It is all too easy through reading online to grasp onto a particular theory to end up down a particular rabbit hole.

We had some family therapy that was painful but helpful. DC also had one to one therapy. Two years on we are in a completely different space. They have a much better sense of perspective and are settled and happy. While tough I think going through this now has been good - much better than all coming out in their 40s.

All the very best to you, hang in there - their anger is very likely a reflection that they love you very much.

A question that has crossed my mind in the past is to those who are vehemently opposed to trans women being accepted in every way as simply women in society.

Do you, or would you feel differently towards trans men who along with hormonal treatment etc have breast implants & genital reconstruction? Apologies to those concerned if I have used the wrong terminology.

Although I find the subject very confusing I can't see how anyone could be threatened with those particular people in spaces which are traditionally women's. Also, Should this be relevant within the law surrounding the issue🤔

A man who has had breast implants is still a man
A man on cross sex hormones is still a man
A man who has had his penis inverted is still a man
A man in makeup, long hair, a dress & heels is still a man.

Adults can call themselves what they like, do what they like to their own bodies.

Mammals cannot change sex.

I will not call a man a woman.

@Oneapenny2 why would a 'trans man' have breast implants?
Why do you think trans women should be accepted in every way as women in society?

I’m so confused by your post. Is your child FTM or MTF? If I understand your posts correctly they are FTM and yet your post title says ‘daughter’ and then you say ‘she’ and ‘her’. Maybe that’s why you’ve lost them, not the ruling! Why can’t you just be supportive of your child?

I was able to seek help myself

At what age?

The op is confused too it would seem