Well I've just lost my daughter due to the Supreme Court ruling. s

[Lucelady]

So as not to drip feed she's a Ftm trans person and a universty student.
I've just been called a TERF, JKR supporter and transphobic. We've had four years of peace and understanding with her not wanting any surgery or hormones. She listened to the ruling last week and we chatted it through. The last few days she's been glued to the Internet and her phone. Now it's all changed and her 'friends' have called for action. What that action is I've no idea.
She's stormed out.

I would agree that it's unfair to threaten estrangement in an attempt to "hold a parent hostage" but no suggestion that is the case here. It sounds like the daughter just doesn't want contact which is surely her right? Nobody has to see/communicate with adult family members if they don't want to.

Obviously the adult child can leave and support themselves. I assume OP doesn't want that though or they wouldn't have started the thread.

Oh yeah, she didn’t want contact so she had been staying with her parents over the Easter holidays! So independent. She’s behaving like she is much younger TBH.

Honestly, I would usually agree with these views that you shouldn't ever just smile and nod, I am generally a very vocal, opinionated person.

But when it is your own DC and they are in the throes of this, what feels like a cult, you have to use your words much more carefully. The 'cult' has a strong grip on these students and cutting parents off is common. If you want to hang on to your child, keeping schtum and keeping the peace is often the only choice you have.

If she is in her third year this may be the last holiday before graduating though so she may well be independent in a couple of months..

Yes

In the real world, however, DD is unlikely to ever choose estrangement. She needs parental guarantees to take out a rental agreement, plus a huge 6m deposit to start renting after she graduates and leaves home, which usually means living at home to save up or drawing on bank of Mum and Dad. She likely needs additional money at university. YP can’t just flounce out of the family home and into a rented flat with no income, work history, the second they leave university - even assuming DD in this case can get a job immediately upon graduating.

So, DD is not going to estrange herself as the result of a heated argument when doing so cuts her nose off to spite her face. This generation rarely do. They know which side their bread is buttered.

I have adult children and have not provided a rental guarantee once they stopped being students. I don't think they or any of their friends had to provide a six month rental deposit either. I'm sure some people do but it's certainly not universal.

@CautiousLurker01 I find it really alarming that someone at university, presumably second or third year, hasn't learned how to assess sources from more than perspective. I certainly had at that age, although I will confess age and wisdom has probably made me better at it!

Ops Dd is a student… I was talking about her child…

She is 21 which means she may only be a student for two more months.

Me neither. Y1 of both my undergrad degrees had modules on assessing research sources, researcher bias, how/by whom it was funded, looking at the same aspects of the sources cited and discussed etc as well as looking at whether that research had been replicated/was replicable across multiple demographics and cultures. My mind has been boggled by the number of research studies I’ve seen by TRAs which cite a sample size of 6 [of their mates], in a qualitative study, that has not been replicated before or since but absolutely confirms the researcher’s [biased] hypothesis before being published on a non academic and non-peer reviewed website…

@wombat15 that really depends on a lot of factors. Gap years, length of course, sandwich years etc. But 21 is pretty old to storm off in a strop about a decision made by a national institution.

I’d also add that immediately after graduation is the time when these young adults need parental support the most. It’s the end of student funding. They probably won’t have a job lined up. They will be leaving accommodation. Most of them move home while planning the next step. It’s what family is for. But everyone should treat each other respectfully at this stage!

Of course it depends on a number of factors but a lot of 21 year olds will soon be finishing university so not sure why people are just assuming she is dependent on op.

Plenty do not go home to parents, particularly those that don't get on with them.

That’s their right. The Bank of Mom has to close some time!

Obviously it is their right but it does mean parents don't hold the cards.

What cards are the parents meant to have anyway? The parents don’t control the Supreme Court. Parents should be allowed to express an opinion without a long-term rift. If there is one then that’s the child’s decision. Pretty poor way to treat your parents after a lifetime of support growing up but if this DD flounces off for good that’s her choice. I doubt she will do it.

You’re right…a choice I made because this thread is not about me, and I’m trying to avoid talking about suicide.

Which sounds like emotional blackmail, but you would be better off seeking medical help.

When I still used a moon cup I emptied it down the loo and put it back in! Surely a proper wash out can wait until you are at home unless it's a cubicle with a sink?

Some posters are suggesting OP should refuse financial support if the daughter I'd not "respectful". Obviously parents don't control the court decision but they don't have to make the point that they agree with it to the trans child.

Lots of people on mumsnet seem to be low contact with their parents for all sorts of reasons. Noone seems to think it unreasonable unless they are trans it seems.

After many, many heated discussions over the years about this whole fandango, it became clear to me that my adult DD and I would never agree on the subject of transness and that neither of us would change our opinion.

So now we just don't discuss it at all and get on so much better. When she (they) announced last year that she now identified as non binary I more or less just said "that's nice dear as long as you are happy" and we left it at that. We will not be discussing the SC ruling - what would be the point I have no interest in gloating or upsetting my offspring (DO?) .

I agree. That is what any loving parent would do.

Marvellous post ❤️