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Lifelong impact of going to Boarding school

231 replies

Munichfam5 · 21/04/2025 13:29

Just read a very upsetting article in the Observer featuring former boarding school pupils and their experiences - it’s from a documentary called ‘boarding on insanity’
at boardingoninsanity.com

Anyone else seen it ?

OP posts:
Pinkrabbitt · 21/04/2025 18:22

My friend had an awful time at boarding school in the 80s and is still affected by it. He always said he would never send his DC to boarding school but he has a DS who is talented at ballet and got a scholarship to go to ballet school at 11yo His DS had been bullied at normal school for doing ballet.

He is having the time of his life at ballet boarding school, around boys who also love ballet. There are only 20 children in each year and it's a really nurturing school. My friend struggled a lot with the decision due to his own experiences but is now glad he let his son try it as he is so much happier being in an environment where he can dance half of the day and be around boys that have the same interests.

So just saying that there are exceptions where boarding can be a positive. My friend said its very very different to the type of school he went to, there is a huge emphasis on pastoral care, the kids call their parents twice a day and the staff are very caring and have great communication with parents.

sandrapinchedmysandwich · 21/04/2025 18:30

One of my best friends was a boarder from a really young age. She always felt like the black sheep of the family and built a great network of friends at school. However when school ended and everyone went off in different directions it hit her really hard as she felt she had lost the school family she had known her entire life. She never really recovered from that.

Southwestten · 21/04/2025 18:34

PersonIrresponsible · Today 17:15

For the parents who still believe in the system, I always want to ask...
Would you send your child to China? Or Saudi? Or Russia? And when their knowledge of your chosen country is limited as well as their ability to speak the host language?
Yet 1/3 of current boarders in the UK are foreign nationals.
There to keep the schools in business. Strikes me as immoral, frankly

Is it immoral of the Chinese, Saudi or Russian parents to send the children, or immoral of the school to accept them?

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Thighdentitycrisis · 21/04/2025 18:37

I have looked at the Observer article now and glad to see there is more balance in the report.

beadystar · 21/04/2025 18:41

My father went to boarding school from age seven and it basically gave him an eating disorder. The boys were physically punished if they didn't clear their plates. A few friends my own age from university attended at secondary level and emerged beyond mature for their years, but didn't have much of a 'normal' relationship with their parents, more like extended family you see occasionally and semi-formally. One of them didn't even have a proper bedroom of their own in the family home. Another friend my own age went (intended to protect her from a family problem), was bullied and assaulted and eventually ran away, abandoning her education. A friend teaches in one. Their youngest pupil is only six and cries for his mother at night.

Hastentoadd · 21/04/2025 18:50

Kellybonita · 21/04/2025 17:11

How is their choice to be there? They are a child. It is their parents choice to apply for the scholarship.

I know people who were made to apply for scholarships, by their parents.

No, it was my mothers choice to go, she didn’t have to

Kellybonita · 21/04/2025 18:54

Hastentoadd · 21/04/2025 18:50

No, it was my mothers choice to go, she didn’t have to

That's nice. It does depend.

My point is that just because someone got a scholarship, means that they want to go.

It varies per child.

My dad was made to apply for a scholarship to a boarding school by his mum and his first school, because he was intelligent.

He won the scholarship.

My grandmother then thought it was the best thing for my father, to send him to a boarding school. She was also advised by different people that it would be the best thing for him.

My dad didn't want to go. And he told me that he hated every minute of it. He ended up having life long severe mental health problems because of it. He's talked to me about it a lot.

Peekingovertheparapet · 21/04/2025 18:56

My dad boarded from age 7, so from about 1965 onwards. His school was notorious for sexual abuse but he appears to have escaped. He is an incredibly difficult person though - extremely rigid and with low emotional quotient. He was a bit of a shit dad when I was a teen and prone to terrifying outbursts of rage. I find being around him stressful. He maintains that he liked school but I think that might be more because his parents, and in particular his father, were just epically shit.

IfYouPutASausageInItItsNotAViennetta · 21/04/2025 18:58

I love Malory Towers as much as any nostalgic overgrown child person, but I think one thing that makes the stories so compelling is precisely that the parents aren't around, which forces the girls to make their own child-centred community, only really communing with the adults (the teachers) when absolutely necessary.

This makes for really exciting fictional stories, but the reality would be very different indeed imho. Adults aren't just there to teach or discipline you, but also to ground you and make you feel secure. They (usually) love you unconditionally, whatever you do, because you are their child; whereas the teachers, however kind and lovely they may be, are only there in place of your parents for potentially weeks on end because they are paid to be there.

How would you feel if your spouse told you that they loved you very much indeed, but that they would rather just see you every month or so and live most of their life apart from you, in a community of other (as yet unknown) people?

I'm not talking about those serving in the armed forces, working on oil rigs or trawlers or otherwise having to be away for their job; but if they could freely live with you day in, day out, but they just actively decided that their life would be better, more enjoyable, more fulfilling if they lived elsewhere without you there for weeks or months?

I can't imagine most people being prepared to put up with that with a very significant adult in their lives; but these are children as young as 11, or even younger.

I also don't get the reasoning that, because the child really wants it, that must make it the best decision. Most children would really love to eat nothing but Easter eggs and Haribo for their entire diet, year-round, but that doesn't mean that we, as the responsible adults, actually let them make that decision.

Barrista · 21/04/2025 18:59

What happens at mixed sex boarding schools when students get into relationships?

Kellybonita · 21/04/2025 18:59

I was reading earl spencers book about his boarding school. It was quite sad.

He told his father that he didn't want to go. And he cried so much, that his father considered not making him go, and instead enrolling him in a day school near his home.

However his father got influenced by all his peers. They told his father that he should go to boarding school to be a "real man" etc. And not to give in to his crying.

So he was made to go to boarding school. And he hated it. He was also sexually abused there

Hoppinggreen · 21/04/2025 19:02

Barrista · 21/04/2025 18:59

What happens at mixed sex boarding schools when students get into relationships?

There were a few pregnancies at my school.
Behind the music school and the cellar of one of Boarding Houses were the prime shagging spots apparently.
It was also tricky when people broke up as they were still living in close proximity, often with the ex's new squeeze.
I always remember whenever I was having a tough time at school thinking "well at least I can go home at 4" (Day Pupil)

IfYouPutASausageInItItsNotAViennetta · 21/04/2025 19:05

Barrista · 21/04/2025 18:59

What happens at mixed sex boarding schools when students get into relationships?

Are there mixed sex boarding schools?

Even if not, people don't have to be opposite sexes to have romantic relationships!

Hoppinggreen · 21/04/2025 19:07

IfYouPutASausageInItItsNotAViennetta · 21/04/2025 19:05

Are there mixed sex boarding schools?

Even if not, people don't have to be opposite sexes to have romantic relationships!

Of course there are
If they were single sex though at least nobody would get pregnant

twistyizzy · 21/04/2025 19:09

IfYouPutASausageInItItsNotAViennetta · 21/04/2025 19:05

Are there mixed sex boarding schools?

Even if not, people don't have to be opposite sexes to have romantic relationships!

Of course there are! DD is day pupil at a co-ed boarding school. The boarding houses are single sex and separate

IfYouPutASausageInItItsNotAViennetta · 21/04/2025 19:13

I'd only ever heard of single-sex boarding schools previously myself; but it's interesting to hear that there are mixed ones as well.

Thighdentitycrisis · 21/04/2025 19:13

Mixed boarding also offers opportunities for male teachers to abuse boys and girls

Thighdentitycrisis · 21/04/2025 19:14

Ex co ed boarder

twistyizzy · 21/04/2025 19:14

IfYouPutASausageInItItsNotAViennetta · 21/04/2025 19:13

I'd only ever heard of single-sex boarding schools previously myself; but it's interesting to hear that there are mixed ones as well.

The famous public schools tend to be single sex but your average independent boarding school is more likely to be co-ed

twistyizzy · 21/04/2025 19:15

Thighdentitycrisis · 21/04/2025 19:13

Mixed boarding also offers opportunities for male teachers to abuse boys and girls

Get lost! Boarding schools are Ofsted inspected and take safeguarding extremely seriously!

Kellybonita · 21/04/2025 19:17

twistyizzy · 21/04/2025 19:15

Get lost! Boarding schools are Ofsted inspected and take safeguarding extremely seriously!

How can ofsted inspect for sexual abuse?

Yes Teachers are vetted before they start. By the school. Not by ofsted.

However, that doesnt stop someone from sexually abusing a child while they are there

IfYouPutASausageInItItsNotAViennetta · 21/04/2025 19:19

Thighdentitycrisis · 21/04/2025 19:13

Mixed boarding also offers opportunities for male teachers to abuse boys and girls

Why would that make a difference, though, if an abusive adult slips through the net and becomes a teacher?

They could abuse any child, of either sex, depending on whom they were targeting - and would likely deliberately seek employment in a school that was for children of their 'preferred' sex(es).

twistyizzy · 21/04/2025 19:20

Kellybonita · 21/04/2025 19:17

How can ofsted inspect for sexual abuse?

Yes Teachers are vetted before they start. By the school. Not by ofsted.

However, that doesnt stop someone from sexually abusing a child while they are there

Edited

All teachers have to be DBS vetted and they are inspected on safeguarding policies etc. Your child is in as much danger from a sports coach as a boarding school

Hoppinggreen · 21/04/2025 19:20

There were at least 2 girls in 6th form at my Boarding school who were in "relationships" with teachers that I knew of.
Daddy issues plus a closed environment

Felinnefine · 21/04/2025 19:22

AnnaQuayInTheUk · 21/04/2025 14:35

DH was sent to boarding school in the 1970s and was thoroughly miserable. He was adamant that our children would go to the local comprehensive.

He's never really forgiven his parents for sending him.

He's never really forgiven his parents for sending him.

My husband is the same.

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