Lifelong impact of going to Boarding school

[Munichfam5]

Just read a very upsetting article in the Observer featuring former boarding school pupils and their experiences - it’s from a documentary called ‘boarding on insanity’
at boardingoninsanity.com

Anyone else seen it ?

@BarristaOh I see! Well we used to have school discos and balls and there was a six inch rule - we weren’t allowed any closer than that to each other and teachers would be very vigilant. But there would always be couples shagging around the back of the squash courts. Mostly teenagers of the same age but in my year there were two affairs between sixth form girls and teachers, plus one girl with the catering manager. (That I knew of, maybe more under the radar.)

I don’t know anyone personally who went to boarding school as a child. But I do know quite a few messed up people who need or already doing therapy, none of whom went to boarding school!

My mum went to boarding school from age 9. she Has always had abandonment issues and stayed for decades with an abusive (in every way) man.

@RaspberryBeretxx same for me. I’m working through some abuse with my therapist at the moment. She asked if I told anyone at the time, I replied that there was nobody to tell. That’s the reality of full time boarding, there is nobody there. A house mistress responsible for 70 kids doesn’t cut it.

My DS went to a state grammar with a mixed 6th form. At his school ball he tells me there was quite a lot of snogging (and drugs as well) .

I would have liked to have gone to boarding school. But that's only because my own childhood was abusive and also really isolated. We lived out in the country with nothing to do.

I would have liked to have lived with other girls my own age.

But children should be asked and also asked every year. If they say yes to one year, check with them again after a year and see if they are still happy there.

There are some cases where Boarding school is a better option than home for some kids sadly
Its a tiny minority though, its usually more about whats more convenient for the parents

Yes, indeed. Equally, there are cases where being taken into care is a better option than being left with abusive, neglectful, terrible parents; but that doesn't magically make it the best option for the vast majority of children.

You could take it to extremes and say that eating sand would be 'a better option' than eating poo, but that doesn't make it in any way a good option in normal circumstances where tasty nutritious actual food is readily available.

I never said Boarding School was a good option, check my other posts and you will see I am VERY anti Boarding school.
However, I do acknowledge that where there is specialist provision for Sports or Arts for example OR a very crappy home life Boarding may be appropriate. I was a Day pupil at a Boarding School and my home life wasn't great but at no point did I envy any of my Boarder friends, who with probably 1 exception could have lived with Parents had the parents been willing to make some changes in their lives.
Being sent to Boarding School is a better option than being taken into care though

I think a lot of parents are not good parents.

My own parents were gorrendous.

But then I think it's also unrealistic to expect two human beings to give us all the love and care we need.

I think too many people expect their parents to be absolute divine immortal beings, always flowing out constant love to them. They're not . Parents are just human. Full of flaws.

We have to give love to our ourselves. And also connect and get love from many other peolle.

I got through life without either parent (absent father and abusive mother)

By caring for myself. And by finding love in lots of other people- friends colleagues etc

I have not read the article. However, my uncle was badly damaged for life by the experience, and my dad who did not go (his parents missed the application date) did not have any of the same issues.

I have used the phrase 'open prison' in the past to describe boarding school.

It's definitely an England culture thing.

I've heard about more people going to boarding school in England, then anywhere else.

Then, around Europe, English people are often described as "cold, reserved and unfriendly".

It's because they've been raised in a cold and unfriendly system.

In contrast, you see Spanish and Italian families being so loving and caring to each other. (In general. I don't know them all of course. But they definitely seem to have kinder and more loving family values than in England)

I've read your posts and I'm completely agreeing with you all throughout! Apologies if that came across confusing!

Apologies @IfYouPutASausageInItItsNotAViennetta
Might have got the wrong end of the stick

I went out with someone who went to boarding school as a young child, he was horribly bullied when he first started but absolutely convinced himself that it was entirely his choice to be there. He had a strange relationship with his parents who he idolised and we broke up because he never wanted to move away from them. Not long after they moved away themselves so clearly didn't feel the same way.

Gosh, you could be describing my own mother (who was sent to boarding school from the age of 5 in the 1950’s).

The first boarding school she went to was closed down after she had been there for 5 years due to cruelty to the children & findings of sexual abuse.

The 2nd boarding school she was sent to at the age of 10 - in one breath she talks about the cruel beatings with a strap. Then talks about how happy she was there.

She always puts on a happy positive front and every conversation is surface level. I have no idea about how she really feels as she’s unable to be honest.

She also has a dark side - I remember in my 40’s trying to talk to her about how slapping me & my brother across the face for falling out of line, or hitting us across the head with a hard slipper was cruel. She snapped back ‘you deserved it and it was nothing compared to what she had done to her as a child’. She’s so damaged by the boarding school experience but she simply doesn’t realise.

The thing that has stuck with me from boarding school is that it never felt like anyone really knew you. Parents had no idea what you were like, becuase they only saw you three times a year. As a teenager, you put on a face to look cool in front of your friends. None of the staff had the time to be going around forming deep and lasting relationships with individuals (actually, some did, and that was a problem in itself!!!) And then you go 'home' for the holidays and know no one. It's left me feeling like I don't really have my own identity, and it's taken my DP a lot of work to convince me that I'm always first priority to him.

Leaving pets behind isn't talked about enough either. I missed my pets more than I missed my parents.

This is so incredibly sad.

There are also good stories though. My parents worked abroad for a while and gave me the choice. I chose boarding school at Sixth Form. It was a more liberal one, think Bedales/Atlantic College type. Best years of my life and still very close to all my friends and same applies to them. In these types of stories, they always float the negative stuff. That does not mean those experiences are not worthwhile, but there are also plenty of people who loved their boarding school experiences.
One of my good friends grew up in a slum in India and was very mathematically able and won a scholarship to board in England. Said person is now hugely successful and quite well known. There are stories like this. They boarded from 13-18 and were supported by a charitable trust run by a well off family that provided them with everything and even paid their uni fees. Literally the most positive and life changing experience for them and they have a lovely family and are well adjusted. I wonder why these stories do not make the press?

Grew up abroad and in one location we boarded mon-fri during the winter as travel was too difficult. I was 9 or 10 and adored it, but then again it was a small school, the staff knew us very well, it felt like a big sleepover and also I knew I was going home every Friday.
Some of my friends from there later went on to board for months at a time back in England whilst parents were abroad, but my parents made the decision to relocate us all back home than do that.

Five is just incomprehensible isn’t it? My Uncle was sent at five. He didn’t even go home on the holidays that often. Sent to stay with relatives he had never met. I just can’t get my head around it.

Oh wow you have articulated this so well.

I am convinced that connections are formed through small but consistent interactions even if the subject matter is frivolous, rather than occasional conversations even if the occasional ones have depth. That is why BS interferes so much with the family bond.

however, I suspect that many of us who went to BS would still have weak connections to our families even if we hadn’t gone because the fundamental dynamic of having parent who doesn’t want you around would still be there (no judgment meant towards my own mother - she was a good person who struggled to be a good parent and I am at peace with that)

Reading this posts is very eye opening. I'm sorry for all of you who has difficult experiences, but thank you for sharing.

That's a very salient point. The sort of parent who would be content sending their child to boarding, even if they never actually did it, is probably just not that bonded with their child anyway.

There are plenty of parents who just aren't that bothered about their own children. One of my oldest friends, quite happily, left her 3 month old baby to work abroad for 6 weeks (baby was cared for by their father and GPs). It wasn't even necessary work, she just thought it was an exciting opportunity and volunteered. She saw nothing odd in it, at all.

I was left for three months by my mother with GPs I had never met at 18 months. Even when her mother wrote to tell her to come back because I was distraught she didn’t. She was on holiday with my father. It caused lasting damage. I just don’t understand why she did it .