Lifelong impact of going to Boarding school

[Munichfam5]

Just read a very upsetting article in the Observer featuring former boarding school pupils and their experiences - it’s from a documentary called ‘boarding on insanity’
at boardingoninsanity.com

Anyone else seen it ?

you can see the film here - made by an aquaintance of mine
https://www.boardingoninsanity.com/ www.boardingoninsanity.com/]]]]

I'll never understand why parents do this. My brother boarded from 13-16 and yes it messed him up. There were reasons, but looking back not good ones.

Now I'm the parents of teens I just don't know how the parents can have their kids be away from them. I need to see my lot to know they're ok. Having the daily physical contact of hugs, etc. My life up to a point revolves around my children, not in an over the top way but if they were at boarding school my life would feel empty. I'd miss out on chats, that time at dinner when we all sit round and talk about our day. I also can't see how it wouldn't damage sibling bonds. I love it when my lot are all chatting together. I just can't see how boarding school helps except in very limited situations. It might not be as harmful as it has been previously in years gone by but can't be as good as living with a close, loving and supportive family.

I think it’s different for kids who get scholarships as it’s their choice to be there, my mother was a scholarship boarder in the 50/60’s and I think it was extremely strict but she hasn’t really complained about it, having said that I think it affected her relationship with her own mother as she was away for months at a time and therefore didn’t see her and it has also affected our relationship as ( emotionally) I don’t think she knew how to connect with her own daughters because of it

I boarded aged 10-12 and I have never recovered

Whats your point OP?

I think it's a fairly well known fact that some people suffered as children, even in supposedly privileged surroundings.

In 50 years time people will be horrified at what our own generation of children have been subjected to, I have no doubt. Lockdown, police being called on a playground fight between 6 years olds, exposure to all manner of violent and sexual images online, drag queen story time, school refusal due to bullying, online bullying and pressures from SM, easy availability of drugs, vapes, abuse by county lines gangs gang culture and knife crime generally, rape gangs allowed to operate with impunity for decades.

No point learning from the mistakes of the past if we aren't going to do much better in the present.

How is their choice to be there? They are a child. It is their parents choice to apply for the scholarship.

I know people who were made to apply for scholarships, by their parents.

For the parents who still believe in the system, I always want to ask...

1. Would you send your child to China? Or Saudi? Or Russia? And when their knowledge of your chosen country is limited as well as their ability to speak the host language?

Yet 1/3 of current boarders in the UK are foreign nationals.

There to keep the schools in business. Strikes me as immoral, frankly.

2. The Independent Inquiry into Child Sex Abuse stated that boarders are amongst the highest risk of being molested - either peer on peer or by so-called "masters".

"even where safeguarding procedures and reporting protocols are extensive, the circumstances in which abusive relationships can develop and the cultural, organisational and geographic blind spots which can facilitate abuse in any boarding school are little different from the past.[18]"

So, I'm afraid they haven't changed much from the bad old days of the 1980s when it was prolific.

3. One "Houseparent" looks after circa 65 children. That works out at around 22 mins per day per child, excluding the fact that said child sleeps/attends school for much of it. It's children bringing up children. Always has been. Children in care homes have a much better ratio of adults:children than boarders.

4. Many children stop going home because it's too painful to face the loss over and over again. It's easier to go to other people's houses. "But they so love playing with their friends...they never want to come home" phenomena.

You can add central heating, carpets and curtains, but sending children away is just that: Abandoning them and hoping for the best. How can anyone be sure whether they child will "hack it". And what proportion of "but I loved it" makes boarding school acceptable? 10% 20% 50%?

So my final question for proponents of the system is this:

Why don't you parent? What's wrong with you?

My grandmother was sent to boarding school, age 7. She hated it, bless her.

It had a huge impact. She never left home as an adult, even to go on holiday.

She also got very odd with her children when they got to teen years, obviously traumatised at the thought of them leaving home.

One is too many.

That is very sad. DDad said the same. He boarded for senior school in the 1940s. There was no way on earth he was going to send his own children (4 of us) to board. We all went to the local state schools!

Other relatives boarded from 7/8/9. Dad stayed at home for his early education as he was "delicate". (He never was in particularly good health).

All of them hated it. All of them suffered deep seated trauma and have suffered mental health difficulties to some extent, or alcoholism, PTSD (diagnosed), emotional immaturity. It's a well recognised phenomenon, examined in Stiff Upper Lip.

Seven. Can you imagine being "abandoned" by your parents at 7? It seems unthinkable now.

I know my grandmother said she hate it, but at least managed to persuade my grandfather to send her boys to boarding school locally enough that she could go to their sports matches.

I had a colleague who boarded from age 8-18 in the 90s. When he first told me, he immediately stated that he was never buggered whilst there.
I thought it was a very strange thing to say ( nobody would ever say that about attending their local comp).
He was a very messed up individual and had obviously been to a school where sexual abuse happened.
He's never married or had children.

Every single person (all men) that I know went to boarding school has serious issues with expressing emotions, needs and wants.

Also trust and attachment issues.

Not always.

my opinion is based on one specific thing but my does a sport and many of the people he competes against go to boarding schools because they’ve pursued a scholarship there to train and be educated. It means not so early
Morning starts and later evenings. They said it’s easier to juggle.

So for a small minority at least it really is a preference and choice.

Sounds like most men, tbh.

I think there were / are some unfortunately severe incidents, but wouldn’t be exclusive to boarding school. One shall be careful not to over-interpret things.

My brother boarded in the 80s from 11 and says he cried every night for the first term. My mother also boarded and is completely fucked up by it, though she would never admit that. She is emotionally absolutely checked out. Her parents both also went to boarding school. Generations of people who were pretty emotionally repressed, lots of intellectualising about things.

I was lucky not to go myself. My kids are at local comprehensives.

You can watch on Vimeo. I haven’t yet but the movement of boarding school survivors seems to be male focused afaics and not sure if it’s for me. There was also a series on R4 recently that only focused on men (with a historical context of empire building and leader breeding). Several women called in and raised the issue of girl’s experience being neglected

I went to boarding school in the 1970s, from the age of 10 - 15.

It was pretty miserable, but I don't think it affected me or my family relationships long-term - although I'll never know what I would be like if I hadn't gone!

But I swore when I had DC that they would not be sent away to school, and they weren't (but did have very long school days and school bus journeys and sports matches on Saturdays).

For anyone who is affected by BS, there's

https://seenheard.org.uk/

and

https://www.bss-support.org.uk/

I'm english myself. I live in another country now.

I was just noticing how emotionally stunted enlgish people I meet here are, compared to other nations.

There is something going very wrong in english culture

I boarded from 13 (parents moving overseas), my mother boarded from 12 (rural Western Australia) and my father from 7 (parents in remote Sierra Leone). I had a very happy time and have an excellent relationship with my parents. I did find it disconcerting going to university where people could choose to keep things hidden about about themselves. I remain close friends with people who I probably would not initially have chosen to speak to because confidences etc. were inevitable.

My father is only aware of one incident of sexual abuse during his 1950s childhood. Interestingly, a couple of the 10/11 year olds told their head of dorm, who immediately escalated it to the head of house and the adult concerned was immediately sacked. Council social services were called in and every pupil (no idea about staff) interviewed by a social worker the same day. This to me suggests that abuse was less tolerated than is frequently suggested.

DH boarded from age 13, late 70s. His father had just unalived himself. Youngest of 3. Horrible unthinkable situation. Boarding probably gave structure, support and routine that would have been missing at home. He is ok., all things considered.
DF boarded 12-17. only child. Late 50s. Parents thought they were doing the right thing,
Age 81. He is still traumatised

https://www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/brand/m0027l5
an excellent 3 part podcast very well balanced; historic roots, recent past and modern.

And very male!

Dh boarded 11-18 and I think it’s really messed him up