Lifelong impact of going to Boarding school

[Munichfam5]

Just read a very upsetting article in the Observer featuring former boarding school pupils and their experiences - it’s from a documentary called ‘boarding on insanity’
at boardingoninsanity.com

Anyone else seen it ?

My dad is in his seventies.

His stories of his time at boarding school are awful.

He told me that when the boys started their first year in school. The older boys would come down and pick out a good looking boy to sexually abuse.

My dad also told me that many of the teachers were perverts.

My dad said it was hell. My dad ended up suffering anxiety and having severe mental health issues all of his life

My husband boarded from eight, sexual assault, racism, homophobia and sexism were rife from both students and staff. His little brother now attends the same school, its no better, its likely worse as now there is videos of hazing, students being stripped naked etc due to mobile phones.

Boarding school is just a young offenders institution really.

I went to boarding school- first as a day pupil and then as a weekly boarder. We had an abusive home life and it was definitely the better / safer option for me. I really enjoyed it, but equally have had to have a lot of therapy to deal with all my issues from that time. I had a very strong feeling of always having to stand on my own 2 feet, and my husband has often said I am hyper independent and struggle to rely on him or others.

That said, my son was a day pupil at a boarding school that offered “sleepover club”‘on a Friday night before Saturday school. They would have discos / have pool parties etc to make them really attractive to the kids so they pestered their parents to board once a week. I allowed this as he begged and really did love it, but in year 4 they made it 2 nights minimum a week and then after that they “recommended” weekly boarding. We changed school as to be a day pupil meant you missed out on a lot and I felt strongly I didn’t want him away from me. DS really wanted to board, but he was 8/ 9, and they don’t know what’s best for them at that age.

I have many many ex students who are now married, having babies, in their 30s who are still in touch with me. We had a lovely relationship then. Yes I used to be paid to care for them. Did I genuinely care for them? 100%.

You speak as if these students have boarding staff instead of families. They have both. I've been to some of their homes and had dinner with them and their families. I've met up with them socially (we are nowhere near the same financial level of course). Their families run the gamut in the same way families that live together 24/7 do.

I've listened to this. I also read the article, I think it was in the Guardian too with personal accounts yesterday.

I believe it would be significantly better nowadays because we know and acknowledge things, we listen more to what children say and we openly talk about abuse within systems like the church and care and various other places.

When you think how every part of it goes against everything a child needs, it's no wonder so many adults struggle so profoundly.

There's still a way to go to accept that adults in general can be utterly hideous in their treatment of children over whom they have power and control unchecked. That for me is the crux of it all.

I wouldn't like to look back at my career and see that I was part of the machinery that dressed abandonment up as privilege either.

Because it wasn't. But you retain your own opinion based on no personal experience. No skin off my nose.

My mothers family and my father’s, my DH, some cousins, an ex, one of my stepsons all went. For my parents (born in the 1920s) it was quite normal in that most of their peers would have gone. My father uncommonly (but not rare) that he did not see his mother for six years as she was abroad and his parents divorced. I’m sure he internalised a lot of feelings from then but he certainly never articulated it other than to say he never really thought he had a home.
My mother, relatives, ex all did fine, or rather it doesn’t seem to have affected them negatively- and even my father says he enjoyed it as he was that lucky combination of being clever and sporty. He said there were some day boys and they always felt sorry for them.
My DH did feel that abandonment thing as he was sent after his parents divorced and his brother wasn’t. My stepson asked to go to boarding school at 13 - I think Harry Potter was to blame! He liked it and did better academically there, met his future wife too.
I wouldn’t send my own kids, but I don’t think it’s universally awful. Things have changed a lot from dorms and only one weekend out a term - my SS even had his own room in sixth form!

I think they would have had mental health issues regardless, a different presentation but still problems. Given the number of kids in state day school with problems it suggest it would be the case. CAHMs would be restricted to a few kids and not overrun.
In the future there will be the same handwringing over 'wraparound childcare'.
Currently paying 2 wages keeping a overpriced mortgage/ rent is the priority and perpetuates the expectations from government, banks and landlords.
Those vilifying boarding presumably are able to look after their children themselves otherwise they would be hypocritical.

Surely the sense of abandonment would be worse for SEN kids.

I do think boarding schools are emotionally damaging. They stunt emotional growth.

I work in a school in Spain. The Spanish teachers are open with emotions. The irish teachers are emotional. There are American and Canadian teachers . They are very open and emotional.

We have three older English male teachers. All three of them are emotionally stunted, cold and reserved. I find it difficult to to talk to all three of them. They seem completely incapable of talking normally. They seem really emotionally damaged.

I know that all three of them went to boarding schools, as they have told me

Apart from all the other concerns, when people are saying that the staff look out for the children and their needs, emotional and practical support etc. - how does that work even just numbers-wise?

Most parents will probably have, on average, no more than three children to look after and bring up; are there really ratios at boarding school of one member of constantly-present and attentive staff per three children?

I think that, whilst schooling is clearly very important for children, it shouldn't be viewed as their primary reason for being, with everything else related to who they are and how they grow, develop and learn their place in the world just fitted in somehow, very much as secondary considerations.

It’s well evidenced that long term separation from primary carer(s) will cause trauma.

Whilst I wouldn't want to send my kids away, there is a state boarding school in my town. It also has day places and flexi places. So many of the kids love it and are desperate to board. I guess things change and it depends on the school

I purchased and have watched half of it. Its quite a strange documentary. A group of boarders come together for a weekend with a therapist in a group setting to explore and heal their trauma. I can't imagine a worse way of confronting trauma for the first time and it feels slightly cultist.

There's also going to be a huge variety of experience and over time.

I went to private school on a scholarship as a day pupil and I chose to board for a couple of terms.

Homesickness is a terrible thing- even when I opted to board I felt sick for the first couple of weeks. Fortunately my parent and brother randomly turned up to visit, then I was annoyed as I had just thought I had gotten over them! You don't realise that's what's going on, and it takes kinder pupils and teachers to take an interest.

I was quite critical of some of the culture. Overall though it gave me a good education, social development, encouragement in sport, independence etc.

Some of the experiences in the documentary are awful though and I hope those schools have changed.

I've always felt that boarding school breeds elitism and I always felt if people knew this they would be up in arms - things like getting work experience in your parents company, or friends parents company. I didnt have connections and I always felt that I'd have to brilliant/exceptional or supremely confident to achieve and I was neither and didn't want the stress.

The film does raise some interesting points about a culture of fear and compliance and having traumatised leaders, the implications of this being that no one actually challenges the status quo, or is even fully aware of what is going on because its not talked about.

I think increasingly that we need collaborativeness not competitiveness - having to have supremely confidence to succeed breeds arrogance and stupidness IMHO.

I personally would be for abolishing elite boarding school and keeping private schools.

I wouldn't have minded going to boarding school.

But that's only because my own home life was so abusive.

Boarding school would have probably been a step up

I have a couple of friends that went to a specialist boarding school and loved it, their children also go, and also love it. It's a wonderful school and they go home quite a lot.

You know that boarding schools have exeat weekends every few weeks + full holidays every 4-6 weeks and longer holidays ie 4 weeks at Easter/9 weeks summer?
If you add up those hours they probably don't vary much from the hours parents with kids at home spend together.

Boarding schools have changed hugely over recent years, with most now offering “flexi” options. Even the few full boarding schools are very different from how they were, with parents visiting frequently and seeing their children. Pastoral care and mental health support are much better than in the past.

Having said that, boarding wouldn’t be right for some children. For others, it’s great.

Whilst there might be some examples of people who attended boarding school having long term trauma, there are also plenty of people who were traumatised by their average day school. I know plenty of people who attended average comprehensives who had an absolutely awful time .

What I never understand though is why so many people have such strong opinions on others’ life choices. If you don’t agree with boarding, fair enough. Don’t send your children to boarding school. Other parents might hold a different view. Personally, I’d be more bothered about sending a small baby who can’t talk to a nursery for hours on end, to be looked after by strangers, than I would about sending a 13 year old to boarding school.

Maybe the child should have a say in what they want to do though? A lot of children are put into boarding schools against their wishes.

My dad (who went to boarding school) told me that he used to cry all the time from loneliness. And he told me that he cried all the time for his mum.

Most of the kids I know who board now are either very sporty or very musical and their schools were relatively long commutes. It allows them to train/practice and study etc without getting up super early and getting home super later. Most are weekly rather than full boarders.

Agree it should never be against the child's wishes

The cruel thing about boarding schools though, is that the children have no choice.

I watched "Britain's youngest boarders". And one of the girls in it, cried every day , and wanted to go home every day she wasn't allowed to go home. So they are trapped in a place that they don't want to be in

Even if the child does want to go, what other major life decisions do parents just leave to a young teenager?

And I don't support boarding under the age of 11 but most kids don't board until either 11 or 13