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Original poster

Lifelong impact of going to Boarding school

231 replies

Munichfam5 · 21/04/2025 13:29

Just read a very upsetting article in the Observer featuring former boarding school pupils and their experiences - it’s from a documentary called ‘boarding on insanity’
at boardingoninsanity.com

Anyone else seen it ?

OP posts:
Kellybonita · 21/04/2025 19:23

twistyizzy · 21/04/2025 19:20

All teachers have to be DBS vetted and they are inspected on safeguarding policies etc. Your child is in as much danger from a sports coach as a boarding school

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Vetting while good just means that they check that the person has never committed a crime.

It can't possibly check if the person Is a paedophile.

I worked in a boarding school recently actually.

Everyone there was vetted before they started working there. However some of the male teachers were very questionable and to my mind, I would have a few concerns about them with children.

Vetting doesn't weed out the paedophiles

Another76543 · 21/04/2025 19:23

IfYouPutASausageInItItsNotAViennetta · 21/04/2025 19:05

Are there mixed sex boarding schools?

Even if not, people don't have to be opposite sexes to have romantic relationships!

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Yes, but the boarding houses are single sex.

PersonIrresponsible · 21/04/2025 19:24

The IICSA concluded that boarders were a very at risk group for sexual abuse.

Currently, Boarding Schools are not obligated to inform Ofsted, or any other authority, if there are incidents.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

General education Private schooling
Simonjt · 21/04/2025 19:24

twistyizzy · 21/04/2025 19:15

Get lost! Boarding schools are Ofsted inspected and take safeguarding extremely seriously!

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Ah, that’s a good joke.

Simonjt · 21/04/2025 19:26

twistyizzy · 21/04/2025 19:20

All teachers have to be DBS vetted and they are inspected on safeguarding policies etc. Your child is in as much danger from a sports coach as a boarding school

Show quote history

Do you regularly allow your childrens sports coaches access to your childrens bedroom?

AhBiscuits · 21/04/2025 19:27

My best friend at Primary was sent to boarding school for secondary. I don't know if it's a coincidence but both her and her brother decided to stay childfree. Just hated the idea of bringing children up.

FinallyHere · 21/04/2025 19:28

late ‘70’s I boarded from 14-18

Had a great time, loved how my parents were much less strict because I only ever saw them in the holidays.

can’t say I really worked as hard as I might have, so not brilliant exam results but made great friends.

first few days of uni we noticed the boarders being so pleasing with having a room to themselves in hall compared to those straight from home lamenting the drop in their living standards

Within a few weeks or maybe months had entirely forgotten about that division and all muddled up together.

impact on my relationship nothing but positive. If I had my time again I would have worked harder and partied less, but there again … maybe not.

Hoppinggreen · 21/04/2025 19:29

There were at least 2 male teachers at my Boarding school whom were at a minimum inappropriate. The Head Girl from my year moved in with our (female) English teacher the summer after we left school and her H moved out.

HiRen · 21/04/2025 19:50

I've sent my DC to sleepaway camp for a month at a time each summer. Every year they've looked forward to it as an exciting difference from home life, getting away from parents and each other, being with their friends 24/7, not having to follow strict rules at home (such as bathing every day, eating balanced meals etc etc).

Every single summer, without exception, they've been beyond excited to be picked up and to get home. They've enjoyed themselves, but a month away from home (including the rules, they say), is enough. They're also happy to go away again the following summer.

Young hearts need to be tethered, so that they can flail about working out what's right and what's wrong without floating off into nowhere. Some children are tethered without seeing their parents and coming home every day. Some aren't. Cutting off untethered children is no different from a baby elephant becoming detached from its herd. Utterly heartbreaking.

minnienono · 21/04/2025 19:52

My dh boarded from 12, his dc did not board! My dc did board for sixth form from their personal choice (specialist college)

slaytuesday · 21/04/2025 20:28

I went when I was 8 years in the 70s. I'm still somewhat traumatised from the experience.

AwardGiselePelicotTheNobelPeacePrize · 21/04/2025 20:34

I boarded at a mixed schopl in the 80s and 90s and teacher-pupil shagging was absolutely rife. I could name 7 or so instances off the top of my head.

Kellybonita · 21/04/2025 20:36

AwardGiselePelicotTheNobelPeacePrize · 21/04/2025 20:34

I boarded at a mixed schopl in the 80s and 90s and teacher-pupil shagging was absolutely rife. I could name 7 or so instances off the top of my head.

Did any of the teachers get charged with sexual assault at a later date?

I was just reading a book about an English girl who had sex with her teacher when she was a teenager.

She thought at the time that he loved her and it was special. It was only much much later that she realised that it was abuse, nd she charged him and he was jailed.

NorthernSpirit · 21/04/2025 20:37

My mother was packed away to boarding school from the age of 5 and it has affected her terribly. She’s cold and emotionless. Her mother couldn’t even be bothered having her in the holidays so she would go home with a teacher. She recalls being around 15 when she ever felt she was loved or part of a family.

My DH & his 2 siblings were sent to boarding school from the age of 10. I would describe all 3 of them as pretty emotionless. My DH talks about never showing any emotion in case you were bullied. He also talks about growing up too quickly - for example porn was rife from about the age of 10 in his dorm.

Both my mum & DH say they would never send their own children to boarding school. They had absolutely no family life or little love during school.

AwardGiselePelicotTheNobelPeacePrize · 21/04/2025 20:42

Kellybonita · 21/04/2025 20:36

Did any of the teachers get charged with sexual assault at a later date?

I was just reading a book about an English girl who had sex with her teacher when she was a teenager.

She thought at the time that he loved her and it was special. It was only much much later that she realised that it was abuse, nd she charged him and he was jailed.

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Yep, some. Loads got away with it though

MinorRSole · 21/04/2025 21:27

@NorthernSpirit I was the same age as your dm and it was deeply damaging. My home life was worse than school but that wasn’t saying much. I’m nearly 50 and just now coming to terms with the trauma and have only just heard of boarding school syndrome.
Neither myself or my siblings ever considered sending our own dc to boarding school. Our parents are mystified by the low contact relationships we all have with them.

villanova · 21/04/2025 21:40

People say it's better now, and some aspects may be. A good friend is a teacher at a prestigious school, and says that many of the kids don't see their parents in the holidays, even: they're collected by a nanny (who also does parents evenings etc), parents continue in their 'big jobs'/ international travel etc. However good the school's pastoral care, this is still going to affect the kid.

suburberphobe · 21/04/2025 21:41

^My grandmother was sent to boarding school, age 7. She hated it, bless her.
It had a huge impact. She never left home as an adult, even to go on holiday.
She also got very odd with her children when they got to teen years, obviously traumatised at the thought of them leaving home.^

This is very sad to read. Bless her. But as in life different experiences have different effects on people.

I was sent to boarding school at 12, rebelled at 16 and went to six-form college for A levels. I was an expat kid. I don't live in UK any more.

It taught me independence and am a solo traveller as a result. Love it!
My son who I brought up as a solo mum too is also an avid traveller and has lived/travelled abroad. (He went to a Montessori primary school but not a secondary one).

I do think being sent to boarding school was ultimately good for me as the local environment - small town politics and religion - was very toxic.

JoanIsNotAwful · 21/04/2025 21:57

ClawsandEffect · 21/04/2025 16:22

If the family and the child are in agreement, if they can afford it, they have the right to this type of education. Many children thrive from it.

You make the choices right for your family. Others make different choices.

But yes. The girl who made the abuse allegation to me, absolutely made the choice to get away from her family. It was in a country where the legal system wasn't as robust as the UK and it was a form of escape for her.

Wow, this is damning with faint praise. 'Boarding schools are better than a home where you're being abused.'

Barrista · 21/04/2025 22:16

Is there drinking and "parties" at these schools

Wasbumper · 21/04/2025 23:08

I went to boarding school from age 9 and hated it. I recently found my school reports from that time and each report said how unhappy and upset I was but nothing changed. Phone calls home were monitored by the house mistress, first sign of tears they took the phone and ended the call. Letters sent home were checked and had to be rewritten saying what fun we were having as ‘your parents want to know your having fun, not that you’re upset’. No one cared in the slightest about how alone or upset you were, you just had to get on with it. It had caused life long issues for me and I’m still battling them now.

ClawsandEffect · 21/04/2025 23:57

JoanIsNotAwful · 21/04/2025 21:57

Wow, this is damning with faint praise. 'Boarding schools are better than a home where you're being abused.'

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You do as much wilful & deliberate misunderstanding as you need to for self-soothing. Not a problem.

MinorRSole · 22/04/2025 00:21

@Wasbumper absolutely, my experience too. Don’t cry, your parents want to see you happy. Young children want to please their parents and it’s awful to make them repress natural feelings. We had letter writing every Sunday and I had to make out everything was wonderful, my parents never wrote back!

NewMe2024 · 22/04/2025 00:31

I haven’t seen it but would be interested to watch. I had several boyfriends in my 20s who boarded at the likes of Eton, Charterhouse, Gordonstoun, etc. (not sure why as I am a state comprehensive kid myself!) It wasn’t obvious at the time but with hindsight all of them were very bad at expressing their needs and incredibly good at putting on a brave face / acting like they had life all wrapped up. All very affable and entertaining. Only one has gone on to have kids and his marriage looks like a bit of a sham. No idea whether that last bit is relevant but it’s an interesting pattern.

mummymissessunshine · 22/04/2025 01:08

Boarding school in the 90s age 13-18
didnt love all of it but who does love every moment of family life or school?!
However overall my siblings and I all agree it was a good thing. And I made some life long friends too.

my siblings and I do not have a close relationship with our parents now but do have with each other.

our parents were just not that into us as real people. More the fiction of off spring.

if I had the ££££ I would consider it for my DC but I would make sure we were fully involved with their lives and ensure we maintained a relationship - living nearby, attending sports fixtures and events? Hanging out in the holidays. Etc

however I don’t have the ££££!!!