Lifelong impact of going to Boarding school

[Munichfam5]

Just read a very upsetting article in the Observer featuring former boarding school pupils and their experiences - it’s from a documentary called ‘boarding on insanity’
at boardingoninsanity.com

Anyone else seen it ?

This makes for really exciting fictional stories, but the reality would be very different indeed imho. Adults aren't just there to teach or discipline you, but also to ground you and make you feel secure. They (usually) love you unconditionally, whatever you do, because you are their child; whereas the teachers, however kind and lovely they may be, are only there in place of your parents for potentially weeks on end because they are paid to be there.

I quote this out of context, but boarding school worked for me, precisely because the teachers were not emotionally involved so everyone was treated similarly. My parents were tearing each other apart before their divorce, and quite honestly had little time to spare for their children whilst they did so. In retrospect, it was a very good school, pastorally and academically; I didn't like it enormously at the time but it was a lot better than the emotional manipulation that would have been the everyday lived experience otherwise.

There is value in being told: Jane, you must clean your shoes like everyone else has to. No excuses, you are not special, just get on with it.

DH went to boarding prep at 7 (military parents serving overseas) and hated it, and all subsequent schooling as a boarder, where nobody observed that his eyesight was poor, and the familial dyslexia (severe) was only spotted historically when our DS was diagnosed in 2010. GF, DH and DC are, or were, all talented in different ways, but they have all survived education (and I don't think other schools would have done any better) and did okay or better as adults.

Absolutely all of this!

And while we’re at it, can we stop with the “oh but it’s different NOW” justification. That’s what we were all told too: you can’t complain because the previous generation had it worse.

I think the thing for me that's interesting as an adult is that my parents expect me to have their bond first
And even though I was left with GPs often as well as sent to BS so that they could go off on adventures they haven't really reciprocated that looking after of my children

It's hard

I think it's so very sad how many people say that BS was the best option for them because their home lives or relationships with (and treatment by) their parents were so bad that being away at BS at least gave them some kind of regimented structure where their very basic practical (if not emotional) needs were met.

I don't recall seeing or hearing anybody saying "My parents were extremely loving, caring and attentive and always put me and my needs first; they obviously weren't perfect, but they loved spending time with me and their main devotion in life was me (and any siblings)... BUT I'm still glad that I went to BS".

Even the people insisting that so much has changed with BSs over the last decades, there was obviously a big reason in the first place why it had to be eventually changed. I'd take something that's always been good any day over something that was terrible and whose bad effects have been gradually reduced over the years.

If somebody wanted to take our DS away from us for very long periods whilst he's still a child, to live in a different home, we would pay anything we possibly could if that would prevent losing him; yet most parents who send their children to BS are the ones actually paying a lot of money for the purpose of sending them away to live elsewhere!

BS hasn't changed.

Children are still being prematurely separated from their childhoods and forced into an institution.

Attachment theory is better understood today, parents choose to live in ignorance. Psychological research into Adverse Childhood Experiences is much more in depth.

Boarding Schools, are like abusive relationships, just empty promises of change. And no recognition of the damage done.

Boarders are currently at high risk of being sexually abused/groomed according to the IICSA

Schools are still not obligated to report.

The children don't just lose contact with parents, they lose everything they hold dear. Children are forced to grow up very, very quickly.

Flexi-boarding means for those children who are theire "full time" feel even more abandoned than ever.

Dorms are smaller. Central heating is available.

That's an improvement, I suppose.