What are your best (clean) jokes?

[MugsyBalonz]

DC is 10 and has got an obsession with jokes and making people laugh. All weekend they've asked me to tell them a joke and I've run out of new ones so please share with me your best clean jokes? And maybe some not so clean ones for me.

To start off, here is one DC told me:

I was at the beach and a man in the water was shouting "Help, shark! Help, shark!". I just laughed because no way was that shark going to help him.

Man went to the doctors.

Doctor, I've got this raspberry in my head.

I can give you some cream for that.

Doctor, every time I raise my arm, it really hurts

Well stop doing it then,

Doctor, I've got this feeling I'm a pair of curtains.

Take these tablets and pull yourself together.

Man goes into a library "Fish and chips twice"

But Sir, we're a library

Man (whispers) Fish and chips twice.

Man goes into the Fish and Chip shop

Fish and chips twice.

its OK Sir I heard you the first time.

One from my mum who’s not normally one for macabre jokes

I’d like to die peacefully in my sleep, like my uncle.

Not like his passengers, screaming.

A man goes to the doctor and (you have to act this bit) says,

“Doctor, it hurts when I do this (poke your forehead), this (poke your arm) and this (poke your leg).”

The doctor says, “No wonder, you’ve got a broken finger.”

What’s green and brown, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?

A snooker table.

How do you turn in a duck into a soul singer?

Put it in a microwave until its Bill Withers.

What do you call a fly with no wings?
A walk.

What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A cloud.

What do you call a man with a seagull on his head?
Cliff.

What’s the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with big boobs?

One’s a crusty bus station and the other’s a busty crustacean.

What do you call a hen looking at a lettuce?

Chicken Caesar Salad

What do you call a man with dead leaves in his hair?

Russell

what do you call a man in a raincoat

Mac

what do you call two men in raincoats

Max

What did Spartacus say when the lion ate his wife?

Nothing, he was gladiator

Niche one.

Why did the falcon miss Andy McCluskey's daytime concert?
Because all kestrels manoeuvre in the dark.

Why do bees go into the hive in the winter?

S’warm

What's green and hairy and goes up and down?

A gooseberry in a lift

It’s maybe a bit niche for a 10 year old but it makes me snicker….

Jesus and his disciples walk into a restaurant and Jesus says to the maitre d ‘Hello we’d like a table for 26 please’

the maitre d looks confused as he scans the group and says ‘but there’s only 13 of you?’

Jesus says ‘Yeah I know but we all wanna sit round the same side’.