What are your best (clean) jokes?

[MugsyBalonz]

DC is 10 and has got an obsession with jokes and making people laugh. All weekend they've asked me to tell them a joke and I've run out of new ones so please share with me your best clean jokes? And maybe some not so clean ones for me.

To start off, here is one DC told me:

I was at the beach and a man in the water was shouting "Help, shark! Help, shark!". I just laughed because no way was that shark going to help him.

One of the first jokes I heard on moving to Scotland as a child. I was like ..eh? Once I got used to the accent (and this was in deepest Ayrshire) this was my favourite

A man walks into a bakery, points to the cakes and says ‘Is that a doughnut or a meringue’
The baker replies ‘Naw yer right enough the first time it’s a doughnut!’

Also..

Why are there no headache tablets in the jungle
Cos the parrots eat ‘em all.

What do you call a broken angle.
A rectangle. (Wrecked angle)

All total groaners but family favourites!

More a tongue twister than a joke but I used to get kids to do this when I worked as a Butlins Blue Coat as a teen and always made them laugh.
Get him to try and say this really fast..
One smart fellow he felt smart
Two smart fellows they felt smart.

What do you call a monkey in a minefield?

A ba-boom!

A termite and a frazzled piece of twine walk into a bar. The termite says to the bartender ”Two beers please my good sir.” The bartender looks at the tangled piece of string and says “You’re not welcome here” The termite stands up for his stringy friend and replies “Hold on! What are you talking about?”
The bartender says, “He’s a goddamn rope!” The termite turns to his friend and says, “Is it true, are you a rope?” To which the scraggly little fellow replies with firm conviction, “Nope I'm a frayed knot.”

Knock knock

who’s there?

Europe

Europe who?

how rude!

Why did the girl take her pencil to bed?

To draw the curtains

Why did the man drown in a bowl of muesli?

He was pulled under by a strong currant.

Why do preppy girls hang out in groups of 3, 5 or 7?

Because they can't even.

Have you seen Optrex.com?

Now there's a site for sore eyes.

My DD's favorite joke. It's the only one she can remember.
Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Dank
Dank who?
You're welcome.
The lamer they are, the funnier she finds them.

What did the policeman say to his tummy?

You're under a vest.

I loved jokes when I was young. I had books and books of them.

How did the mathematician cure his constipation?
He worked it out with a pencil

😂
My all-time favourite silly joke!

And all the Doctor Doctor ones ..

Doctor Doctor, when will my measles be better?
I never make rash promises.

Doctor Doctor, I think I'm a set of curtains.
Pull yourself together man.

Doctor Doctor I only have 60 seconds to live!
I'll be with you in a minute.

Doctor Doctor, there's some lettuce poking out of my bottom.
It's just the tip of the iceberg.

Doctor Doctor, everyone keeps ignoring me.
Next patient please.

Doctor Doctor I'm shrinking
You'll have to be a little patient.

Doctor Doctor, can you give me something for wind?
Here's a kite.

Why did the tomato blush?
Because it saw the salad dressing!

Why was the sand wet?
Because the sea weed!

A mummy potato has 3 daughters. One day she says to them, "Now girls, I want you all to find husbands and marry well."

The next say, the oldest says "Mum, I've found a husband....and guess what? He's a King Edward!" Mum's delighted.....royalty in the family!

The day after, the middle one comes home and says "mum, I've found a husband, and guess what? He's a Jersey Royal! ". Mum's even more delighted, 2 of her daughters are now marrying royalty!

The next day, the youngest comes home and says " Mum, I've found a husband! I'm marrying Gary Lineker!"

Mum's gobsmacked. "Gary Lineker? Gary Lineker? You can't marry him, he's a COMMENTATOR!"

It was a cereal killer.

Duh!
That's why I was not a comedian!
Thank you!

Stop milking the audience!

I'm assuming that the "Mummy, Mummy!" jokes are out of order...?

They were in vogue when I was at secondary school in the '70s.

"Mummy, mummy! I don't like granny..."

"Then just eat your vegetables."

....

"Mummy, mummy! Why's Daddy so quiet?"

"Shut up and keep digging."

.....

Yes, we Boomers were/are strange.

Oh I'd forgotten those Mummy Mummy jokes, can you remember anymore?

The only one I can think of off-hand is

"Mummy, mummy, why do I keep running round in circles?"

"Shut up before I nail your other foot to the floor"

Where does Tarzan buy his clothes.
At a jungle Sale.

Bless him, it's good to laugh.
Comedians don't tell jokes today it's all stories.

What do you call a woman with a pint of beer on her head?
Beatrix

What do you call a woman playing snooker with a pint of beer on her head?
Beatrix Potter

What is a fortification?
Two twentifications.

What type of room has no doors or windows?

A mushroom!
(Told to me by my 7 year old)

I went to the pet shop to buy 12 bees.

The shopkeeper carefully counted out 13 bees for me.

I said ‘but I only want 12 bees..’

To which he replied ‘yes, but that’s your freebie’

What do you call a man with a rabbit up his bottom?

Warren