What are your best (clean) jokes?

[MugsyBalonz]

DC is 10 and has got an obsession with jokes and making people laugh. All weekend they've asked me to tell them a joke and I've run out of new ones so please share with me your best clean jokes? And maybe some not so clean ones for me.

To start off, here is one DC told me:

I was at the beach and a man in the water was shouting "Help, shark! Help, shark!". I just laughed because no way was that shark going to help him.

Mummy mummy can I lick the bowl, no pull the chain like everybody else.

What's yellow and dangerous? Shark infested custard.

How do elephants hide in a cherry tree? Paint their toenails red.

Man impressing his friends with his great knowledge, friend eventually says how do you know so much. Man points at his head and wisely says, 'kidneys'.

How to confuse an Irishman (other racial stereotypes are available), line up three shovels and ask him to take his pick.

How does the blind parachutist know when he’s about to hit the ground?
He knows he’s five foot off the ground when the lead goes slack

What do you call a man with an oil rig on his head?
Derek.

Can you pls explain the kidneys one? I'm feeling a little slow!!

I was mugged by six dwarfs last night.
Not Happy.

Nah. Too rude, so deleted.

How does moses make his tea...... Hebrews it.

We're clearly of the same vintage @WearyAuldWumman . As a child growing up in Fife in the 70s, "Me no daft, me no silly..." was the most hilarious thing ever!

See also "My friend Billy" 🙄 😂

A slice of apple pie costs $2.50 in Jamaica, $3.75 in Bermuda, and $3 in the Bahamas.
Those are the pie-rates of the Caribbean.

I made song about tortilla once, though it was more like a wrap.

Did you know corduroy pillows are in style? They're making headlines.

Memory unlocked! And both still doing the rounds in the eighties (NDN/rake/snake/4 foot 4?)

I heard one of the most bewilderingly contrived obscene jokes ever at a christening do in Lanarkshire circa 1997. It was about a fancy dress party where you’d to arrive as an emotion. It involved tinned desserts and the punchline was ‘I’m fucking disgusted (this custard) and he’s coming in despair (this pear).’

I genuinely can’t think how you could make the set up work, but I think of it every time I pass through.

here’s a clean one for OP’s son:

Baby Balloon didn’t like sleeping in his own bed and would often wake Mummy and Daddy Balloon up by squeeeeezing squeakily in beside them. Mummy Balloon said ‘you’re too big to fit in with us now so I want you to be a very grown-up boy and sleep in your own little bed.’
The following morning Mummy Balloon woke up to discover that all three of them were in bed and there was plenty of room! She said ‘Baby Balloon that was very naughty and dangerous! You’ve let me down, you’ve let Daddy down but worst of all - you’ve let yourself down!’

What did the policeman say to his tummy?
"You're under a vest!"

Tickled me as a child and still my favourite joke today 🤣

What do you call a man with a car on his head?
Jack.

What do you call a man with a bag of compost on his head?
Pete.

What do you call a man with a rug on his head?
Matt.

What do you call a man with a laser pointer on his head?
Ray.

What goes Green...Buzz...Red?
Kermit in a blender.

Did you hear about the Egyptian mummy that was found covered in chocolate and nuts?

It was Pharaoh Rocher.

Did you hear the one about the hyena that swallowed a box of Oxo cubes?

He made a laughing stock of himself.

Why do we plant bulbs in the garden?
So worms can see where they are going
🥁

What's the local policeman's address?

999 Letsbe Avenue.

I was wondering why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

“The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing somebody’s cast.”
– Demetri Martin

“I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn’t find any.”
– Tommy Cooper

“My wife – it’s difficult to say what she does. She sells seashells on the seashore.”
– Milton Jones

“So I’m at the Wailing Wall, standing there, like a moron, with my harpoon.”
– Emo Philips

“A spa hotel? It’s like a normal hotel, only in reception there’s a picture of a pebble.”
– Rhod Gilbert

“My grandfather invented the cold air balloon but it never really took off.”
– Milton Jones

(from the internet, sorry)

Why did the man fall asleep in the fireplace? Because he wanted to sleep like a log.

Why did the boy throw the clock out of the window? Because he wanted to see time fly.

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She gave me a hug.
What did the grape say when it got stepped on? Nothing, it just let out a little wine.

Doctor Doctor - I can’t stop wearing trousers made out of clingfilm.
Well I can clearly see you’re nuts!

on the same theme ...

Doctor, Doctor, I've got a steering wheel stuck down my underpants.
Oh dear that's terrible, it must be driving you nuts.

What did the earwig say as he was falling off a log?

Earwig-go, earwig-go, earwig-go.