What are your best (clean) jokes?

[MugsyBalonz]

DC is 10 and has got an obsession with jokes and making people laugh. All weekend they've asked me to tell them a joke and I've run out of new ones so please share with me your best clean jokes? And maybe some not so clean ones for me.

To start off, here is one DC told me:

I was at the beach and a man in the water was shouting "Help, shark! Help, shark!". I just laughed because no way was that shark going to help him.

A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman explore a haunted house.

The Englishman enters the study. Lying on the table is a five pound note. He stretches out a hand to take it, but then hears a ghostly voice: "I'm the ghost of Aunty Mabel - that five pound note stays on the table!"

He runs away.

The Irishman enters the study. He stretches out a hand to take the fiver, but then hears: "I'm the ghost of Aunty Mabel - that five pound note stays on the table!"

He runs away.

The Scotsman enters the study. He stretches out a hand to take the fiver, but then hears: "I'm the ghost of Aunty Mabel - that five pound note stays on the table!"

He replies: "I'm the ghost of Davey Crockett and that five pound note goes in my pocket!"

What wobbles when it flies through the air?
A jellycopter

Man walks into a pet shop.
‘Can I buy a wasp please?’

Shopkeeper: ’Sorry Sir, we don’t sell wasps,’

Man: ‘But there’s one in the window.’

How do you get 4 whales in a mini?
2 in the front, 2 in the back.
How do get 2 whales in a mini?
Along the M4.

Please don't ban me...

An Englishman, an Irishman, a Welshman and a Scotsman are exploring in a far flung corner of the world.

They inadvertently trespass on a burial ground.

They are detained by the locals and taken to the Headman of the village.

"I accept that it was an accident, but you must be punished. You will each get 10 lashes. However, you may put on your back anything that you see in the village."

The Irishman spots a thick blanket and asks for that to be laid on his back. By the time his punishment has ended, his back is in a terrible mess and he has to be carried away.

The Welshman spots a sheepskin and asks for that. By the time his punishment has ended, his back has been cut and he staggers off with help.

The Englishman refuses any protection. "I am an Englishman! Do your worst!"

By the time the lashing has finished, his back is cut to the bone. A villager goes to help him stand up, but he shrugs off any help, pushes himself to his feet and begins to stagger away.

The Scotsman is dragged forward.

"What do you want on your back?"

"Can I have the Englishman?"

Why does a seagull fly by the sea?
If he flew next to the bay, he’d be a bay-gull!

What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?
Nacho cheese!!

What do you get if you cross a goldfish and an elephant?

Swimming trunks

What do you call a belt with loads of watches on it?
A waist of time.

Why should you never eat a clock?
Because it's too time consuming.

Why did the fish blush?
Because it saw the ship's bottom.

What do you call a camel with 3 humps - Humphrey

Sorry, one more (last one, I promise).

A dog went into a telegraph office to send a telegram. The dog wrote: “Woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof.”

The clerk read what the dog wrote and said, “There are only nine words here. You could send another ‘Woof’ for the same price.”

The dog replied, “But then the message wouldn’t make any sense.”

What's the most terrifying word in nuclear physics?
Oops!

I own the world’s worst thesaurus.
Not only is it awful, it’s awful.

I love these!

What’s big and red and lies on its side in the gutter?

A dead bus.

What do you call a man wearing a raincoat?
Mac
What do you call a man wearing two raincoats?
Max

not for a 10 year old but may amuse the more ancient

What do you call a man wearing two raincoats standing in a cemetary?
Max Bygraves
A deceased comedian: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Max_Bygraves

What goes haha bonk?
A man laughing his head off.

Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl go to the toilet?

Because its ‘p’ is silent!

Bob’s final joke from ‘Last one Laughing’; amended for swearing:
one sunny day I was walking through a cemetery, listening to the birdsong and enjoying the peace. A bloke stepped out from behind some gravestones. ‘Morning!’
’No, just having a poo!’

Why was the duck wearing pants?

To cover his butt quack

Knock knock
Who's there
The interrupting cow.
The interrupting cow w...
MOOOO
.said before they can say who. Always makes me 😂

What's yellow and swings through the trees? Tarzipan.

What's white and fluffy and swings through the trees? A meringue-utan.

What's brown and sticky? A stick.

Umm not quite ,
You can wash your hands in a bison ( basin)

What do you call a woman who is good at darts?

Amy

What do you call a man covered in cat scratches?
Claude

What do you call a woman who threw her electricity bill in the fire?
Bernadette.

What do you call a fish with no eyes?
FSH

What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No idea.

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
Still no idea.

we'll stop there with the deers to keep it clean...

Why did the Lion get lost in the jungle?

Because The Junglist Massive.