Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

What are your best (clean) jokes?

138 replies

MugsyBalonz · 15/04/2025 07:54

DC is 10 and has got an obsession with jokes and making people laugh. All weekend they've asked me to tell them a joke and I've run out of new ones so please share with me your best clean jokes? And maybe some not so clean ones for me.

To start off, here is one DC told me:

I was at the beach and a man in the water was shouting "Help, shark! Help, shark!". I just laughed because no way was that shark going to help him.

OP posts:
MagnoliaTreeBlossom · 15/04/2025 10:52

My all time favourite joke...

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Goliath
Goliath who?
Goliath down, you lookith tired!

And a silly one...

What do we want? Race car noises! When do we want them? Neeeeeoooow!

natura · 15/04/2025 10:53

What was the man with two left feet doing walking around on the beach in only one shoe?

He was looking for his other flip-flip.

CalicoPusscat · 15/04/2025 10:53

Clean; ha!

Ok what do you call two rows of cabbages?

A dual cabbageway

crisantemi · 15/04/2025 10:55

Another one.

Two men are out hunting when one of them falls on the ground, his eyes roll to the back of his head and he lies still.

His mate calls 999 in a panic and says to the operator: "Help! I think my friend's dead!"

Operator: "Calm down. Let's make sure that he's actually dead."

BANG

Man: "OK. What now?"

Avatartar · 15/04/2025 11:01

What’s the difference between a kangaroo and a kangeroot?
One is an animal and the other is a geordie stuck in a lift

Chelsea26 · 15/04/2025 11:15

My son’s loved doing this to people

Why are pirates called pirates? Because they Aaaarrrgghh

Then as many as you can of the following encouraging people to guess the answer…

What’s a pirate’s favourite

subject - Aaarrrght!
vehicle - Caaaarrrgh!
Shop - Aaaarrrrgghhos!
place to go at night - Baaarrrggghhh
food container - Jaaaarrrggghhh
planet - Maaarrrghs

you get the picture…

and then you ask

What’s a pirate’s favourite letter?

Wait for them to say Aaaarrrrggghh

and then say (preferably very seriously)

Nay, a pirate’s first love be the C!

and a couple more risqué ones

Doctor Doctor - I can’t stop wearing trousers made out of clingfilm.
Well I can clearly see you’re nuts!

What’s white/black/brown (delete as appropriate) and wrinkly and hangs out your underpants. Your mum (or dad - again delete as appropriate!)

ThisWOMANWontWheesht · 15/04/2025 11:16

I took the shell off of my racing snail, thinking it would make him faster.
But if anything it made him more sluggish.

And the Lord said unto John, “Come forth, and you will receive eternal life."
But John came 5th and won a toaster.

If I had 50p for every maths test I'd failed, I’d have £6.35 now.

manniee · 15/04/2025 11:18

MugsyBalonz · 15/04/2025 07:54

DC is 10 and has got an obsession with jokes and making people laugh. All weekend they've asked me to tell them a joke and I've run out of new ones so please share with me your best clean jokes? And maybe some not so clean ones for me.

To start off, here is one DC told me:

I was at the beach and a man in the water was shouting "Help, shark! Help, shark!". I just laughed because no way was that shark going to help him.

Why did the scarecrow win an award?
Because he was outstanding in his field! 🌾😄
Always a classic for kids and grown-ups alike.

ghostbusters · 15/04/2025 11:22

Why can't you trust an atom?
They literally make up everything.

What do you call a man with a spade on his head?
Doug.

Why was 6 afraid of 7?
Because 789 (7 ate 9...).

What did the number 0 say to 8?
Nice belt.

😂 Some of these jokes are fab.

alcoholnightmare · 15/04/2025 11:28

Why was the mushroom always invited to parties?
because he was a ‘fun guy’

Thomas, age 5

FrenchandSaunders · 15/04/2025 11:33

What do you call a judge with no fingers .....
Justice Thumb 😂

TwoLeggedGrooveMachine · 15/04/2025 11:37

Q. Why did the scarecrow win an award?

A. For being outstanding (out standing) in his field.

MNHQ
BeckyAMumsnet · 15/04/2025 12:15

My friend bet me I couldn't make a car out of spaghetti.

You should have seen her face when I drove pasta.

Original poster
MugsyBalonz · 15/04/2025 12:18

We've been out for a walk and I've had him crackling the whole way, he's even rang his nana to tell her his favourites.

OP posts:
woahismebutwhy · 15/04/2025 12:23

Where does a general keep his armies?
Up his sleevies!

Dontlletmedownbruce · 15/04/2025 12:26

Ds (11) favourites:
A large lady was cycling past when I shouted 'cow!'. She gave me the finger and cycled straight into the cow...

One of the recently elected horses in Parliament shocked the nation today by being the first to vote 'aye'.

@MagnoliaTreeBlossom what do we want? Cat noises!!! When do we want them? Miaooooowwww!!!

Wornouttoday · 15/04/2025 12:27

What do you call a man with a seagull on his head?

Cliff

What do you call a man with a spade on his head?

Doug

crystal90210 · 15/04/2025 12:32

I asked a Scottish barista for a latte with oat milk.

He said “you can nay make a latte with oot milk”

WearyAuldWumman · 15/04/2025 12:34

One for you. The only off-colour joke that my granny ever told.

A woman goes into a shop and asks for toilet paper.

"Certainly, Madam. The shilling variety or the half-crown variety?"

"What's the difference?"

"Well, Madam, on the whole they're much the same."

viques · 15/04/2025 12:35

Two caterpillars were in a field when a butterfly fluttered over them.

“ wow! Scarey, “ said the first caterpillar.

”I agree,” said the second one, “ You’ll never get me up in one of those.”

WearyAuldWumman · 15/04/2025 12:36

Wornouttoday · 15/04/2025 12:27

What do you call a man with a seagull on his head?

Cliff

What do you call a man with a spade on his head?

Doug

This one only works if you're Scottish.

What do you call a man with no dog?

Douglas.

What do you call a man with a paper bag on his head?

Russell.

Another (outdated) Scottish one.

What's the difference between Bing Crosby and Walt Disney?

Bing sings and Walt Disney. [ETA Beaten to it!]

MinnieMountain · 15/04/2025 12:36

Following on from the Doug joke- what do you call a man without a spade on his head? Douglas.

WearyAuldWumman · 15/04/2025 12:39

I apologise in advance for the offence that this might cause.

My darling pupils told me this one only days after the tragic loss of the Challenger space shuttle.

"What was the last thing NASA heard over the intercom before the space shuttle blew up?"

"I don't know..."

"The teacher saying 'What does this button do?'"

Anothersayinparadise · 15/04/2025 12:41

How do you get Pikachu on the bus?

You pokemon

WearyAuldWumman · 15/04/2025 12:43

Primary school joke, 1965.

What comes from a cow and sounds like a bell?

Duuuuuuuung!