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Original poster

5 yr old son tried to kill dh yesterday

269 replies

StugglingtocopeinEdinburgh · 08/04/2025 21:58

We were walking along a very busy road and ds asked dh for chocolate. Dh said no so ds then tried to push him onto the road. We both then explained to him how dangerous it was and how that would hurt daddy etc. His response was I don't care. He then pushed dh with all his might onto the road again. He then said hahaha I'm going to kill you.
This is our daily life what happened yesterday happens alot.

He punches his older siblings, breaks stuff. He screams at the top of his voice all the time.

I got myself a new plant today and was showing dh and kids it the minute I put it down He ripped it apart. He watched me cry and said hahaha it's dead now.

I've asked social work for help 3 times now nothing happens
His school are having the same problems. Even with a one to one full time. it's still a struggle for them He can't even eat lunch with the other children because of his violence.

The doctor put me one more medication for low mood and anxiety today. So three lots of medication I'm on now.

I'm scared for us but I'm really scared what ds will grow up to me.

He has been diagnosed with autism and awaiting a adhd assessment ( 3 yr wait)

OP posts:
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7
Birdwordie · 09/04/2025 07:52

I don't know if this is a nureodivergence issue or something else. My next door neighbours son was like this and had adhd but I can't say that was primary reason as my son has adhd as do I and don't behave that way. But my neighbours son had a negative influence as a father, a mother who excused his behaviour and was using roblox all day everyday talking to strangers online. I also know of others with autism and really the only time I've seen violence is when there's limited vocabulary or my cousin for example was non verbal and would feel frustrated etc. I'm not saying this is you, and I'm not a professional in this field but just thinking perhaps there is something else going on here and private therapy will be your best bet? Good luck, its very difficult situation to be in with your own child

Stifledlife · 09/04/2025 07:52

This was me. I had one who was like this, and at the same age. The only difference was it was me he was trying to kill. He used to lay trip hazards and traps to kill me - he cheerfully told everyone this. He was so violent that we couldn't have other children over. He would throw furniture at them and hit them.

To cut a long story short it was artificial colours and preservatives. I swapped out artificial for natural, and removed sodium benzoate entirely. It took 3 months but it worked, but after he "came down" 1 misdirected sweet or drink, and we had 36 hours of hell. PM me if you want more info.

Mumofoneandone · 09/04/2025 07:54

Please look into getting a copy of there's no such thing as naughty or there's still no such thing as naughty by kate Silverton. They are for slightly different age groups but really help explain and understand what is happening with children when they misbehave. There are lots of strategies as to how to manage yourself and your children as well.
Also look into diet and screen time - if you haven't already as so many upf or additives in foods can trigger poor behaviour.
Good luck

blackrabbitwhiterabbit · 09/04/2025 07:58

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Actually my ds is 6 and is also violent and is violent with us - trying to strangle me, kicking me, punching me. He's being assessed for autism as he shows all the signs, too. He's destroyed our house, I'm constantly covered in bruises and I flinch if anyone moves suddenly near me. He might have PDA too, but deffo looking like autism according to his other traits.
No need to report this thread!

AngelinaFibres · 09/04/2025 08:01

FeministUnderTheCatriarchy · 09/04/2025 00:14

I'm a little confused as to why PP think this is worthy of reporting.

Of course not all autistic children are violent, but some are.

I worked with a little boy from when he was 3. He was so violent that he terrified myself, his mother and his sister, even though he was so little.

He would do things like go and sit beside his older sister holding a pencil sneakily beside him and then he would just raise his arm and stab her with it in the leg as hard as he could. No hesitation, just pure rage.

He would also say extremely disturbing things like when he got to around four years old. He made the hair on the back of my neck stand up and I wouldn't be surprised if I saw him in the news having committed a horrendous crime as an adult.

Personality disorders and autism are not mutually exclusive. OP may be goading... But I have seen behaviours that she is describing, so on the off chance she is genuine, she deserves our support.

I worked in a primary school where we had a boy whose behaviour was so horrendous that he had a TA 1:1 and was never left alone with another child . One morning in the summer the TA was sitting with him whilst the rest of the school went into assembly. She raised her bare arm as she turned to say good morning to someone and he took the opportunity to try to cut through the skin on her 'bingo wings' with the scissors he'd been given. He bruised her with the force but thankfully they were too blunt to cut the skin. When asked why he'd done it he said he wanted to see her bleed. He was 6. He's a young adult now and in a secure unit. Some children are beyond help. Some are psychopaths.

DevonCreamTeaPlease · 09/04/2025 08:02

On a very basic level what is your regime at home to reward good behaviour and react to bad behaviour?

What happens with these outbursts? How do you communicate to your child this is not acceptable behaviour?

Is he actually being disciplined at home? I don't mean physically but nothing comes over about how you're helping him to understand he's in the wrong.

soupyspoon · 09/04/2025 08:03

There seems to be a nasty trend of trying to silence people who need to speak about their experiences and seek support on this forum.

Its very isolating and frightening to try to deal with this day to day.

FairKoala · 09/04/2025 08:03

Cakeandcoffee93 · 09/04/2025 00:02

Hate to say this but maybe it’s not about a diagnosis of anything, if he’s centralized and zoned in on himself, he won’t care about others. He lacks empathy. So punish him- take away his toys. Take away rewards, he might not outwardly show he’s sad/ he might not have that to display but inwards he will feel loss at your taking of “his things” . You have to tap into his empathy. At least your honest that your scared of him, I would be if my child was. Only way to get through I would think is by disciplining with his own things in his world until he gets it. :(

If he enjoys making you cry, Don’t give him the reaction

ignore bad behaviour and praise good

NameChange30 · 09/04/2025 08:05

POTC · 09/04/2025 01:59

Perhaps part of the issue might be that you don't believe his diagnosis, and are therefore not able to understand or meet hid needs. It isn't easy, I've been there, but it's significantly harder for those who insist on denying diagnosis.

This.

FleurDeFleur · 09/04/2025 08:06

FairKoala · 09/04/2025 08:03

If he enjoys making you cry, Don’t give him the reaction

ignore bad behaviour and praise good

Show quote history

How on earth can you ignore bad behaviour?!

Violinist64 · 09/04/2025 08:07

@StugglingtocopeinEdinburgh, l am so glad to read about the empathy. In this case, autism, possibly with PDA sounds like the correct diagnosis. The biggest problem for you at the moment is that you are feeling so dreadfully alone with no help in dealing with his extreme behaviour. It also sounds as if his school is not the right educational setting for him and he needs much more specialist teaching. Are there any groups in your area for parents of autistic children? I found so much friendship and support when my son was little by joining such a group. Finally, @user1492757084, I know your post is very well-meaning, but your suggestions are totally wrong for a child with this profile. You were right in saying that it was your unprofessional opinion. You were talking about treating frightened, disturbed FIVE year old like a delinquent teenager who has completely gone off the rails.

NameChange30 · 09/04/2025 08:07

Blackkittenfluff · 09/04/2025 02:27

I'm afraid you'll have to go private and pay for it.
The wait in the public sector will be years long.

Sounds awful.
I do feel for you.

He needs urgent assessment.

He has been assessed and diagnosed.

Agenoria · 09/04/2025 08:09

Have Social Services done a care assessment? If not, point out to them that they have to do one under section 17 Children Act 1989, they have no choice in view of your son's diagnosis.

Mumof2girls2121 · 09/04/2025 08:15

Does he do any sports or exercise?
if his behaviour is excessive he’s got to get that extra energy out somewhere or it’ll just get worse

DevonCreamTeaPlease · 09/04/2025 08:17

FleurDeFleur · 09/04/2025 08:06

How on earth can you ignore bad behaviour?!

Show quote history

It IS classic advice from child psychologists. The basis is you reward any good behaviour (and that means if your child is not doing anything bad! They might just be calm and playing - so you say 'It's lovely to see you playing nicely' and they get attention for being 'good' .

A lot of children thrive on the attention they get from being naughty. It means parents are focused on them. Yes, you have to step in if they are hurting someone else or being destructive, but the idea is you distract them or ignore as far as possible. Otherwise you create a loop where child behaves badly, parents react, child thinks any attention for being naughty is better than no attention at all...and so it goes on.

It's often something that happens in family dynamics where a younger child feels ignored, or an older child is jealous of a new baby/younger sibling- so they behave badly to assert their place in the family.

Serendipetty · 09/04/2025 08:18

My ex with suspected autism tried to kill me.
My other diagnosed autism ex left me with a lifelong sexual injury.

It is not necessarily typical of all autistic people of course. But it is related to some traits associated with autism.

And it does not help anyone (autistic or otherwise) to pretend it isn't.

FleurDeFleur · 09/04/2025 08:19

DevonCreamTeaPlease · 09/04/2025 08:17

It IS classic advice from child psychologists. The basis is you reward any good behaviour (and that means if your child is not doing anything bad! They might just be calm and playing - so you say 'It's lovely to see you playing nicely' and they get attention for being 'good' .

A lot of children thrive on the attention they get from being naughty. It means parents are focused on them. Yes, you have to step in if they are hurting someone else or being destructive, but the idea is you distract them or ignore as far as possible. Otherwise you create a loop where child behaves badly, parents react, child thinks any attention for being naughty is better than no attention at all...and so it goes on.

It's often something that happens in family dynamics where a younger child feels ignored, or an older child is jealous of a new baby/younger sibling- so they behave badly to assert their place in the family.

Edited
Show quote history

I'm well aware of positive reinforcement, thanks. I did that for many, many years.
I just am not so aware that ignoring bad behaviour has any kind of benefits.

DevonCreamTeaPlease · 09/04/2025 08:20

FleurDeFleur · 09/04/2025 08:19

I'm well aware of positive reinforcement, thanks. I did that for many, many years.
I just am not so aware that ignoring bad behaviour has any kind of benefits.

Show quote history

Well, that's rather odd because the two go to together.

NameChange30 · 09/04/2025 08:20

My suggestions (as the mother of a child with autism and demand avoidant traits):

Get this thread moved to SN children. "Chat" is really not the place, as evidenced by the ignorant and ridiculous replies on this thread (luckily you've had some sensible replies too)

Claim DLA for your son. It takes several months but once you get it you can use the money for private OT, child psychologist etc.
https://contact.org.uk/help-for-families/information-advice-services/benefits-financial-help/disability-living-allowance/

Special Needs Children Forum | Mumsnet | Mumsnet

Mumsnet's forum for parents and carers of children with special needs or disabilities. Get advice and support on care, education, diagnosis and more.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/special_needs

FleurDeFleur · 09/04/2025 08:21

DevonCreamTeaPlease · 09/04/2025 08:20

Well, that's rather odd because the two go to together.

Show quote history

I think it's odd to ignore bad behaviour. But whatever.

Peclet · 09/04/2025 08:22

What was your pregnancy and broth experience like? What were the early early years like?

LootLlama · 09/04/2025 08:22

Of course he’s autistic 🙄

DevonCreamTeaPlease · 09/04/2025 08:24

FleurDeFleur · 09/04/2025 08:21

I think it's odd to ignore bad behaviour. But whatever.

Show quote history

If the only time they get attention and a reaction is by being badly behaved they will do it more.

It becomes a vicious circle.
Parents who are exhausted by a child behaving badly find it VERY hard to reinforce good behaviour because they are just happy to have a moment when they aren't always telling the child off or dealing with an incident.

I'd be really interested to see how this child behaves if he's given lots of time, cuddles, attention when he's not misbehaving.

If mum and dad only really 'notice' the bad stuff he 'll keep doing the bad stuff.
Been there- got the T shirt- see now how I should have behaved differently.
I was the adult - I should have changed MY behaviour.

soupyspoon · 09/04/2025 08:25

FleurDeFleur · 09/04/2025 08:19

I'm well aware of positive reinforcement, thanks. I did that for many, many years.
I just am not so aware that ignoring bad behaviour has any kind of benefits.

Show quote history

Well of course you ignore it because then it becomes insignificant. Over time.