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Original poster

5 yr old son tried to kill dh yesterday

269 replies

StugglingtocopeinEdinburgh · 08/04/2025 21:58

We were walking along a very busy road and ds asked dh for chocolate. Dh said no so ds then tried to push him onto the road. We both then explained to him how dangerous it was and how that would hurt daddy etc. His response was I don't care. He then pushed dh with all his might onto the road again. He then said hahaha I'm going to kill you.
This is our daily life what happened yesterday happens alot.

He punches his older siblings, breaks stuff. He screams at the top of his voice all the time.

I got myself a new plant today and was showing dh and kids it the minute I put it down He ripped it apart. He watched me cry and said hahaha it's dead now.

I've asked social work for help 3 times now nothing happens
His school are having the same problems. Even with a one to one full time. it's still a struggle for them He can't even eat lunch with the other children because of his violence.

The doctor put me one more medication for low mood and anxiety today. So three lots of medication I'm on now.

I'm scared for us but I'm really scared what ds will grow up to me.

He has been diagnosed with autism and awaiting a adhd assessment ( 3 yr wait)

OP posts:
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7
hockityponktas · 09/04/2025 06:04

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Actually this type of behaviour absolutely can be linked to autism (or any other neurodivergence)

the anxiety and frustration caused by not being understood or supported, the overwhelm, over stimulation, sensory overload etc etc can definitely be communicated by behaving negatively.

hockityponktas · 09/04/2025 06:07

Op, I second the people that have mentioned PDA. This may not help in all situations throughout your days but may ease some of the tension and difficulties if you can apply some of the strategies advised on the site linked above.
It has helped for quite a few children I know including my dd.

hockityponktas · 09/04/2025 06:11

Also, social care aren't known for being particularly helpful in situations like this! Respite availability seems to be far and few between at present.

can you and your husband make sure that each of you are getting adequate down time and respite from dealing with difficult behaviour?
(Go for a walk alone, read a book, headphones in for a podcast, pursue a hobby etc) And make sure that you are both very clear and consistent on how you deal with behaviour. You have to be a team 💐

Pickedupsomethingsuss · 09/04/2025 06:12

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@CatsMagic what an utterly bizarre post

So you don’t believe the professional diagnosis?

what was your failed reasoning for reporting to HQ @CatsMagic ?

KestrelKites · 09/04/2025 06:37

It sounds to me like he is struggling with his overwhelming emotional reactions to things, which is part of autism, and could also be adhd as you said he's waiting for that assessment too.
The extreme language and behaviour is just him conveying how much he is feeling.
Still not appropriate, and needs managing, but you will need to look at his environment, your reactions to him, and if he is overwhelmed by anything, such as school.

CoffeeAndCakeLover · 09/04/2025 06:44

This sounds really difficult OP but it's great that he likes animals and cares about his sister.

From your original post I would say there's probably not much point reasoning with a child in the way it sounds like you tried to do. "We don't push, it's not safe" is enough for them and if they can't follow that instruction then you remove them from the situation. Same with the plant "we don't pull the leaves off the plant" and then move the plant so he can't get to it. I know it's not as easy as that because clearly there are other issues if childcare settings won't accept him. That did stand out to me though.

truecrimelover · 09/04/2025 06:50

Shouldn't be waiting 3 years
Use your right to choose and go private! It will be much quicker
Good luck to you and your family OP

Gecca · 09/04/2025 06:51

GarlicSmile · 08/04/2025 23:31

You may find this at least partly useful, OP - it's the Nice guideline for conduct disorder. It is recognised in the UK, though rarely diagnosed as it's basically the child version of psychopathy/ASPD. That said, if a child has this, their prospects improve the earlier treatment is started (it teaches them how to get along in society without doing crimes, in a nutshell).

If his behaviours are not quite that intractable, he may have PDA. In that case it's mostly a question of changing how you frame things for him. Some kids respond well to a combination of emotional 'management' and medication.

I don't know how you go about getting clarification and the appropriate support. I've got a horrible feeling you'll end up paying ££££ for a private diagnosis ... How about the psych support person at his school? How clued-up are they, and would they join hands with you in corralling professional support? You could also try the CPN at your GP's practice.

cks.nice.org.uk/topics/conduct-disorders-in-children-young-people/diagnosis/when-to-suspect-a-conduct-disorder/

I know you mean well but as a mother who raised a (now adult) son with ASPD I cannot say that the OP’s account matches my own experience, especially not for a 5 year old.

RitaConnors · 09/04/2025 07:01

Pickedupsomethingsuss · 09/04/2025 06:12

@CatsMagic what an utterly bizarre post

So you don’t believe the professional diagnosis?

what was your failed reasoning for reporting to HQ @CatsMagic ?

Show quote history

No, she doesn’t believe the whole post as there has been a number of similar posts.

cloudbusting123 · 09/04/2025 07:03

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I’m not sure why this has been reported? I struggle with callous and violent behavior from my 8 year old autistic child and finding it helpful to see people’s replies.

Wiltingasparagusfern · 09/04/2025 07:06

cloudbusting123 · 09/04/2025 07:03

I’m not sure why this has been reported? I struggle with callous and violent behavior from my 8 year old autistic child and finding it helpful to see people’s replies.

Show quote history

Agree. Maybe this person only has experience of highly articulate high performing empathic autistic children, and so is blind to more extreme/challenging behaviour. Unfortunately that’s happening more and more these days as the spectrum has become so wide. People with experience of mild ASD think they can speak for everyone.

faerietales · 09/04/2025 07:10

Why don’t you believe he has autism?

andyouwillknowusbythetrailofdead · 09/04/2025 07:16

Do not get any pets, OP. He will kill them to see how it feels.

FrozenFeathers · 09/04/2025 07:18

I have no advise, but I am wonder if this behavior is new or if he has always displayed tendencies of cruelty, since it does not seem to be consist.

Youcalyptus · 09/04/2025 07:20

Sweetheart everything you say he does sounds like autism to me.
Laughing at someone getting hurt - possibly laughing as the "wrong" response because he can't feel and process his inner emotions when under stress.
Inappropriate joking like saying I will kill you. Autistic DN was laughing just yesterday about the idea of a baby being run over because it's a funny incongruous idea to him. Doesn't mean he would want it to happen.
Punishment and consequences don't work. Would say "OK I don't care about the park then" - this is absolutely typical.
Empathy for people and things, especially animals and especially when they are "innocent" (my autistic DN would say it was my fault if I got hurt by e.g. him kicking me as she stood up accidentally, but if an animal was hurt he would cry and want to help it).
Huge sense of justice - taking food bank the food because people don't have enough and that's just wrong and we must do something. Heard of Greta Thunberg?

And probably most likely- you don't really believe he is autistic, so you are not parenting in autism-friendly ways. It is a hard hard road accepting the diagnosis. But if you lean in and accept it and get some help and support for how to approach things, you will find he is less overwhelmed and flooded with stress and your life will improve.

Good luck!

Theextraordinaryisintheordinary · 09/04/2025 07:24

Could something be going on that he can’t express? Abuse?

Muddymiddle · 09/04/2025 07:25

I’m so sorry op, this is really tough for you all.

There’s lots of good advice here about professional help.

i just wanted to add that it would be a good time to stand back and look at his body health, and if everything is as good as it could be?

  • reduce processed foods to as little as possible; no crisps, biscuits, soda drinks, sweets
  • consider adding a vitamin supplement (we use a liquid one and mix into yoghurt, or there are gummy ones)
  • see if he’s regularly getting 10-12 hours sleep?
  • is he getting plenty of running around and fresh air time at least twice a day
  • minimise screens; ideally go zero screens for a while to start afresh (maybe the whole family can do this for a week to support him?)

None of the above will ‘fix’ things in of itself, but they will give the best foundation for supporting him.

Sometimes the basics are easily overlooked and they’re cheap and easy to do so worth it :)

wishing you all the very best x

Enthusiasticcarrotgrower · 09/04/2025 07:29

Ophy83 · 08/04/2025 22:58

I am confused as to why medicating you is supposed to help this situation when your anxiety has a clear cause

I agree with others - if you can afford to get private help, or if either of your employers offer family counselling or similar perhaps try that. You can't wait 3 years

I am confused as to why medicating you is supposed to help this situation when your anxiety has a clear cause

So she can function in the daily reality she’s living in that doesn’t have an easy fix? Seriously, what world are you living in?

Vettrianofan · 09/04/2025 07:31

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Excuse me?? How on earth would you know?

I should report your post.

My own DS was threatening to kill DH with a bread knife a few weeks ago. He's on CAMHS waiting list and has had initial assessments done. He's under 8yo by the way....

Smallmercies · 09/04/2025 07:31

user1492757084 · 09/04/2025 03:36

How terrible for you and especially your other children.
This is my unprofessional opinion; just what I would do with my child.

Firstly, your son is ill; no normal child behaves like that. He needs a checkup to see if he has Diabetes, decayed teeth, or some other chronic, irritating, complaint. I would take him to a private clinic if necessary to see a psychiatrist and to be put onto medication. It might take a while to sort out exactly what, but he needs professional help.

Secondly, the only way for you to react is to be totally consistent every time he is violent. Have an immediate ramification of his favourite toy being locked into a vault for 24 hours (and then his next favourite etc etc.) And an immediate withdrawal of your son to a secure room where he can not hurt himself nor anyone else. If out then it's straight into his car seat or a large pram with child proof seat belt. Also have an out door yard that is secure where he can be put for half an hour on his own. Always have a healthy sandwich on offer while he is calming.(He could be hangry)

He is a danger to others.
Try not to cry or react yourself; expect that he will be naughty and trust that you have a plan.
Never give into his whines for treats.
Try not to be violent in any way yourself, nor shout or become uncontrolled. (Difficult when a small boy is biting your leg off, I know.)

Once or twice per day, if you notice him being particularly kind, reward him by telling him so. Twice per week reward such behaviour with ice cream after dinner. (But withdraw the ice cream offer if he is nasty after that.)

Do you need a break by hiring a muscley man nanny for a few days every now and again, who can physically control him and activate what your words are sternly asking your kid to do. Go to the car - and strong man lifts kicking boy up and clamps him into his seatbelt. Ted is locked away for a while now go outside and play until you calm down and we call you to dinner - and strong man lifts boy outside and locks the door, and ventures out to stop boy breaking down shrubbs or breaking windows,if need be.

Set in motion a strict routine. No screens, no junk food, meal times at similar times each day and regular daily out door runs around the block, kicking balls and playing at the park. Bed times need to allow for 12 hours of sleep. Read stories and play lego and other engaging games every day for an hour with five year old. He needs boundaries, healthy snacks, active play, engaged and switched on parents as well as specialised professional care.

Predict his violence.

I would have him participate in the daily walk with you and his Dad again tomorrow but I would insist that he is strapped into a pram with secure seat belt. Tell DS5 that he was too pushy to Daddy and he is not old enought to walk safely.

With PDA, your methods are exactly the wrong thing to do - punishment and reward have no impact except to make things worse. You cannot parent PDA away, you have to learn how to help the child live with it. Then the behaviours may well subside.

Smallmercies · 09/04/2025 07:33

O gawd the ignorance on this thread - cure your child's autism by locking their toys in a vault! Not a drawer mind you, a VAULT!!

soupyspoon · 09/04/2025 07:37

Enthusiasticcarrotgrower · 09/04/2025 07:29

I am confused as to why medicating you is supposed to help this situation when your anxiety has a clear cause

So she can function in the daily reality she’s living in that doesn’t have an easy fix? Seriously, what world are you living in?

Show quote history

Presumably the world where we have moved on from medicating women to enable them to deal with a shit life rather than put in the supports needed, are you still living in the 60s where women were up to their eyes in valium to get through each day?

OP, there has been some good pointers here. This is not uncommon ASD behaviour in my experience because as others have said the way your child is interpreting life around him means that he is expressing his needs the only way he can.

Punishment or sanctions are not that effective for children on the spectrum so focus very much on praise, role modelling, even praise when within an outburst or difficult behaviour for something that was good or right at that moment.

He needs really really tight and predictable routines, what is happening now and next, limited choices, or no choices.

Unfortunately the reason that respite wont be offered that easily is that, just like the OP, there are not many foster carers who want to manage this on a day to day basis, foster carers are not falling over themselves to offer weekend respite for children with such high needs, where their house may get damaged, it would be difficult to have the grand children visit etc etc. So for those suggesting that services are uselss for not offering this, perhaps you would like to be assessed as carers with your LA so that you can offer this service to people like OP?

It may be worth seeing if you are able to get private professional support, at least a plan will come out of that enabling you to source interventions.

Is there any possibility he has FASD?

Enthusiasticcarrotgrower · 09/04/2025 07:39

Pickedupsomethingsuss · 09/04/2025 05:21

Whilst I sympathise hugely Op, I find your hyperbolic thread title unsettling because your 5 year old did NOT dh to kill his father and the fact that you think this would indicate that you need to secure some professional support privately so as to have in place very quickly - because your son needs to have someone who can help him and I don’t think that with this view of your son needs- you can appropriately do this

We’ve probably caught her at her wits’ end on a particularly bad day.