How would you give this news?

[AfraidOfMonsters]

Yes I know it’s a bit of weird question but I’m second guessing myself!

Ive just been referred for an urgent MRI, on the two week pathway. Obviously cancer is high in my list of ‘possible’ issues.

I have two young adults at Uni (21 and 22yo). Both simply refuse to do phone calls. It’s only fur proper emergencies and life threatening stuff apparently.
Most of communication is through WhatsApp a couple of times a week.

I want to let them know about what’s going on. I don’t want them to worry unnecessarily. But at the same time, it would be better if they knew.
dc1 will be back for the Easter break on the day on the MRI.
dc2 will be away with his gf that week. I don’t want to put a shadow over that hols.

What do I do? Send a WhatsApp to each of them? Feels quite unpersonal.
Ring? They’ll think about the worst.
Something else?

Im fee.ing lost

I’d personally say nothing until I had something concrete to tell them.
Not to say you shouldn’t talk to anyone about it but in your circs I’d tell dh and maybe my closest friend in the meantime until I had some more definitive answers.
Best of luck whatever you decide to do. Hope it turns out to be something very minor 💐

In all honesty I wouldn't tell them till afterwards. You need support for yourself - but that should come from other friends/family/on here! What is the purpose of telling them?

I wouldn't tell them anything until you know more...on the day of the MRI, I'd probably just make up a reason as to why I'm going out.

Wishing you well op

If you need their support then tell them and tell them you need their support. Do it over WhatsApp. If you don’t need their support then only tell them if it’s bad news.

That's what I would do. I didn't tell anyone when I had an MRI on the cancer two week pathway. I don't have kids though. I only told my boss so I could have the time off work.

If people were around I'd say I had a medical appointment and take myself to it.

I'd let them know if anything came of it.

I've been on the pathway three times. All negative (bowel, breast, ovary).

I wouldnt tell them tbh. The vast majority of 2wws aren't cancer. I'm a Dr myself and had 2x 2ww for cervix and breast in my late 20s/early 30s, didn't tell my parents as didn't want to stress them on the balance of probabilities it's probably nothing (which they were)

I’d wait until they are home to tell them. There’s no point in worrying them at this stage.

I wouldn’t tell them either, until I knew what was going on. I’d share with others for support but not my kids at this stage. Do you have a partner?

i get where you’ll come from.

I think what’s throwing me is that I have been the child/teen when my grand dad was diagnosed with cancer. No one told me then. Actually no one ever told me. I discovered he was dying by chance, over hearing a conversation.
I promise myself to never do that to my own dcs. And to be much more open with them.

Im finding the balance hard.

Yep. Their dad.

Who is utterly useless. He won’t support me.

Parents are abroad and I’d end up giving them support if I was telling them….

No one is saying never tell them. Just to wait until you have more answers than questions. Also get them used to a weekly phone call, the notion that they are only for terminal news! Do you never call to ask them to stop at the shop?

I wasn’t suggesting not telling them if you get the news that it’s cancer. But at the moment there’s not much to tell other than you’ve got an appointment.
Don’t let what happened in your childhood cloud your response here and over share before there’s something to share.
From other people posting it sounds like there is a good chance that it won’t be cancer (fingers and toes crossed) and you would have worried them for nothing. Depends on how much you want them to be worried I suppose.
Once you’ve got something solid in terms of an update after the appointment I would suggest telling them but until then there’s nothing much to report.
And if you don’t have anyone to lean on IRL for support please keep posting here. I don’t have any experience of this but plenty here do and I’m sure there will be some who are happy to share their own journeys.

I would not tell them until you know something.

They’re at Uni, 2 hours away from where we live. Each in a different town too.

No I wouldn’t call to ask them to stop ,at the shop…..

Family WhatsApp group saying you're having an MRI next week.

I understand they are at uni, I have 2 dc myself at uni! I don't mean asking them to stop at a shop 2 hours away, stop being silly! But even when they are home? You never speak on the phone on their birthdays?

I appreciate you are in a scary situation and probably feeling a bit alone if your partner isn't great at support. But I wouldn't tell your DC until you know what's what following the scan. I think you will only worry them and it hopefully won't amount to anything.

How do you envisage them supporting you at this point?

I've also been on the two week pathway before and I didn't tell my dc- late teens/early twenties as I didn't want to worry them if there was nothing to worry about (all was fine and there wasn't).

I think if I had received a cancer diagnosis I personally would want to wait until I had all the facts re prognosis/treatment plan before telling them.

I wouldn’t put that on my DC until I actually had something (and hopefully there won’t be something) to tell them.

@VictoriusViking im not wanting them to support me. Not their role I feel.

Re support, I’ll manage on my own like I’ve always done. It’s not my first rodeo health wise. But they were at home and younger then. It felt very different.

What would you gain from telling them now?
I'd be keeping from mine until I had definitive news. No point worrying them with the 'what ifs'
I can't see why you want to worry them that you may have cancer. Protect them whilst you can.

That was one of my possibilities

I would only tell my children if I had a definite diagnosis.
For support before a test I would confide in a friend.

Sending support OP!

And keeping my fingers crossed for you,

Having also been on the 2w path, my understanding is that they are looking to rule out cancer as much as they are thinking they might find it.

If the news is worrying, tell them then.

My Mum waited until she had her diagnosis of cancer before telling any of us she was having tests. The reason being was because she had had the same tests in the past and it all came to nothing and rightly so we worried about her.

I don't think she thought it would be a cancer diagnosis so it gave her time to deal with her thoughts and feelings towards it before being able to tell all of us. It gave her space rather than us all waiting for an immediate update after her appointment.

I would wait until you know something concrete before telling them. I have a son at uni, we do facetime once a week for over an hour and message throughout the week too so I understand the distance and communication.

I hope it turns out to be nothing serious for you.