How would you give this news?

[AfraidOfMonsters]

Yes I know it’s a bit of weird question but I’m second guessing myself!

Ive just been referred for an urgent MRI, on the two week pathway. Obviously cancer is high in my list of ‘possible’ issues.

I have two young adults at Uni (21 and 22yo). Both simply refuse to do phone calls. It’s only fur proper emergencies and life threatening stuff apparently.
Most of communication is through WhatsApp a couple of times a week.

I want to let them know about what’s going on. I don’t want them to worry unnecessarily. But at the same time, it would be better if they knew.
dc1 will be back for the Easter break on the day on the MRI.
dc2 will be away with his gf that week. I don’t want to put a shadow over that hols.

What do I do? Send a WhatsApp to each of them? Feels quite unpersonal.
Ring? They’ll think about the worst.
Something else?

Im fee.ing lost

Iv had about 5 or 6 of these 2ww referrals and I don't think iv ever told anyone apart from partner as there is nothing to say. None of these tests have ever ended up being anything serious so what would of been gained by stressing everyone out. If and when there is something to tell then absolutely but at the moment there isn't and most likely won't be.

Personally, I wouldn't mention it.

1. They are not your support network, they are your still-quite-young adult children.
2. There's not much to tell - the vast majority of referrals under 2ww aren't cancer.
3. When you have a diagnosis - be it a polyp or cyst or benign tumour or cancer - then of course you should tell them.

I've been referred for investigations twice - a biopsy first time and scan another time. It's horrible and scary and lonely. I'm not trying to underplay how stressful it is, but your DC won't give you the support you need.

I’m another saying don’t tell them yet. We’re in exactly the same position in that DH has been having tests since late last year and is now booked in for biopsies, followed by surgery the following day. Our DCs are a bit younger than yours but they know nothing about it because we don’t want to worry them. We will have to tell them about the biopsies and surgery but we’re not mentioning cancer at all until we know exactly what we’re dealing with.

I was diagnosed with Cancer last year, and apart from my dh told no one, including dc (19/21) until I knew for definite and had an idea of next steps.

Just make something up, it doesn’t matter, your children are not usually around much and you don’t speak to them on the phone so they don’t know your usual movements. It’s worth it not to worry them. You seem insistent on telling them when there really is no need, there is nothing to tell.

That’s one of my worries really.

In some ways, it would be much easier for me not to say anything.
But I’m also very aware how resentful you can be that you’re not kept in the loop.

Plus I’m not sure if/how I can pull it off whikst they are at home anyway

You think that my usual movements aren’t obvious for someone who is housebound?!?

I had a gastroscopy not too long ago, mine knew because it impacted my being able to drive them. I was 2 week pathway but I didn’t mention that, I just said it was to look at problems I’d had with heartburn (true) but not a hint of the cancer check as not point worrying them until I had more info. Can you tell them you’re having an MRI to investigate X without the cancer part?

Can you tell them you’re having an MRI to investigate X without the cancer part?

THAT is a really nice idea. I don’t have to tell them it’s a 2 week pathway. Just that I have an MRI.
@Rockitlikearedhead thank you. 🙏

Just say you’re having an MRI You haven’t been diagnosed with cancer. You’re very unlikely to be diagnosed with cancer. You have a hospital appointment. Surely you just message the dc that is coming home that day that you may not be in when they arrive home as you have an appt at Town General at 3pm, and you hope you’ll be back by 5.

Dont overthink it.

Yep - if it's impossible to hide it, then just say you're going in for an MRI to investigate symptoms ABC. Because you are. If they ask "is it cancer" then you can truthfully say that there are lots of things it could be.

But that was because there was something bad happening in your Mum's case. I'm sorry that must have been awful for you all.But there may not be anything bad for the DC to know in the OPs case and the kids could be worrying needlessly. No-one at all on this thread has advocated for not telling the DC should there be anything found on the scan or a diagnosis made but the general consensus is why raise worry until you know there's actually something to worry about.

I want to let them know about what’s going on. I don’t want them to worry unnecessarily. But at the same time, it would be better if they knew

Why? Why would it be 'better'?

There's nothing to tell yet. I can't imagine telling my dc because it would serve no purpose except to worry them.

If you're housebound with known illnesses/disabilities anyway, surely it would be easy to say dh is taking you for a check up for xyz illness, without making a huge thing about it.

If the news is bad - I hope it's not - then you tell them.

Thai is exactly the way to go, then they know something is going on, but shouldn’t worry too much, and would hopefully support you.

I’d not say anything until I knew for sure if it’s bad news

I have been the child/teen when my grand dad was diagnosed with cancer. No one told me then. Actually no one ever told me. I discovered he was dying by chance, over hearing a conversation.
I promise myself to never do that to my own dcs

I think you're way overthinking op.

There's a WIDE margin between not telling someone about an actual terminal diagnosis at all and telling them about every medical investigation you have.

Imo the reasonable middle ground is telling them IF a diagnosis is made.

You said you are nearly housebound so you do go out. If you wanted to protect them from worrying, you could make something up and you wouldn’t tell them, like the vast majority of people on here are advising. My partners mum told him in similar circumstances but I think she was looking for some big reaction. He’s very much a don’t worry until you know something type person so she was disappointed.

I’d say to them, because dc will be home at the time, you have an MRI so you will have to pop out. And you’re mentioning to both because you don’t want the other to worry about saying something if the other doesn’t know.
If they ask more you can say more, you don’t have to say everything yet, but can be lead by them. They won’t be daft and may well ask if it could be more and you can honestly say you don’t know. You don’t. That’s not lying.

hate the term ‘keep it breezy’ but it is probably the best way.

You sound like you are close to them and have shared things with them, so they‘ll appreciate it I’m sure. I know I’d want my mum to say so I could do whatever to support her, even if that was just a text to check in.

Good luck op, I truly hope it all goes well.

People on mumsnet are bloody bizarre. A previous poster found a breast lump, 3 actually and didn’t even tell her DH so as not to burden him!! That’s is just so weird to me. It doesn’t make you tougher or selfless if that’s what you’re trying to portray, it’s actually quite sad.

Op, your DH and parents suck and if you think your kids might be slightly more supportive than yes tell them, theres absolutely nothing wrong with needing support from our children sometimes, we’re human too, you just be scared. It’s not a burden, it’s what family is for!

I’d tell my partner but nor my children at this stage. It’s a completely different relationship.

I had to have a biopsy to rule out cancer and my DD2 was going to be on holiday, so l didn't say anything.
Thankfully it was ok. I didn't see the point in worrying her when we didn't have a result .
Good luck OP 🤞

My daughter was in her first term at university when i was diagnosed with breast cancer. I didn’t consider telling her until all the investigations had been carried out and I knew exactly what I was facing. I waited to tell her when she came home for a concert one weekend, and I sat down with her when she got in. I had also spoken to the student welfare people beforehand and had the name and phone number of a counsellor who would talk to her if she felt she needed it. But being a typical 18 year old I don’t think she really took in the implications of what might happen.

Do we share a MIL. My MIL definitely does it for attention. My partner sounds like yours, more so because he knows what she’s like.

Don’t tell your kids OP. Fingers crossed all will be well for you.

Another don’t tell your children. Wait till you’ve got definite news and a plan.

I wouldn't say anything until I knew the outcome of the mri. They really do not need to know anything at the minute.

I say this as somebody who is currently waiting for results from a breast biopsy and hysteroscopy. I've only told my DH, nobody else including our teenagers need to know anything yet.