How would you give this news?

[AfraidOfMonsters]

Yes I know it’s a bit of weird question but I’m second guessing myself!

Ive just been referred for an urgent MRI, on the two week pathway. Obviously cancer is high in my list of ‘possible’ issues.

I have two young adults at Uni (21 and 22yo). Both simply refuse to do phone calls. It’s only fur proper emergencies and life threatening stuff apparently.
Most of communication is through WhatsApp a couple of times a week.

I want to let them know about what’s going on. I don’t want them to worry unnecessarily. But at the same time, it would be better if they knew.
dc1 will be back for the Easter break on the day on the MRI.
dc2 will be away with his gf that week. I don’t want to put a shadow over that hols.

What do I do? Send a WhatsApp to each of them? Feels quite unpersonal.
Ring? They’ll think about the worst.
Something else?

Im fee.ing lost

Just to put the opposite point of view across - I would have been horrified if my mum hadn't rung me and told me about something like, if it was for MY sake, rather than because she didn't want to.

I went to doctors appointments for that sort of thing with her from maybe 16-17 onwards because that's definitely outside my dad's specialist skillset 😅 and would always rather have known. Yes, she's my mum but by the time you're an adult it's a two way relationship.

It all feels a bit attention seeking and dramatic to be sharing to be honest. It will most likely be nothing, I find it really weird when people feel the need to involve everyone when they have zero answers. Tell the IF anything comes up otherwise just say to your child in the house you are off for an mri to have something looked at but at this stage it is routine or something

Don’t tell them
just now, no need to worry them needlessly.

Good luck with it all

I'm from a culture that shares every health update far and wide, BUT after nearly 20 years in the UK I prefer the British 'only share when there is something to share' approach. My mum shares every tiny thing and builds up a big drama that doesn't just stay in her head, she makes sure that everyone else worries too 🙄 thankfully the waiting lists there are very short, so we usually know within a few days or weeks that it was just a cyst/ingrown hair/whatever.

Don't cause other people worry and stress when it can very easily be avoided. Of course a partner should be expected to be supportive (I'm sorry he's not), but don't unnecessarily burden your children.

If it’s just all so factual and not an issue, I wonder why you had to post for advice about how to tell your children then.

I've had similar situations and no way do I tell them anything til there's something concrete. You need support in the wait but not from your kids.

I didn’t tell mine anything the couple of times I was in your situation. Good thing really as I’d have worried them for nothing and would have felt dramatic. I didn’t need support for the MRI and luckily both times were clear.

I'd either do the group what's app which downplays it.

Or I would message and ask them to call when free,nothing urgent just that you want to keep them updated. I.think at this age id tell them,if you're close.

My parents in recent years have told me about appointments etc

I wouldn’t tell them. As hard as that is for you - I’ve had similar and it was awful and over a Christmas and they were all home - but then strangely - by not having told them it meant I couldn’t talk about it so actually was better. All was fine for me and I hope will be for you x

I'd not tell them until you have something to tell. Otherwise you'll have to deal with a lot of 'what ifs' whilst potentially navigating bad news and all those emotions yourself.

If you're going for an MRI, you're already a little way down the line in terms of something being found to investigate.

From a colleague's recent experience, they put off telling their family until they had their treatment plan appointment, which followed surgical removal of the tumour. Because they would have had to deal with questions about treatment etc that they just didn't know until then. It was quite a few weeks until they had something concrete to tell them that wouldn't lead to questions that couldn't be answered.

In my colleagues case, they had the best of the worst news. They have cancer but caught very early and very treatable. Their family now know and while upset that they couldn't be there for their child, are happier that they know the treatment and prognosis. Even they agreed they would have had questions that couldn't have been answered when colleague went for the earlier appointments.

It maybe depends on your relationship with them. I as a daughter would want to know. Bad things happen and you can't protect people from all the hard parts of life. When my mam was going for tests it was very frightening but I'm glad I was able to support her when she got her terminal diagnosis. My dad didn't tell us and went to his appointment alone. Please don't do that. Eventhough he is in remission I still feel extremely upset that he found out with nobody there because he was trying to protect us.

I was in a similar position two years ago. Two of my children were about to become parents and one was about to get married. I didn't want to cast a shadow over their excitement. I told them I had to have a scan and then that I was having an op. To be honest my lovely DD was so wrapped up in her own happiness I don't think it occurred to her to worry. My son wanted details and was easily reassured. The one who was getting married was at home in the week or two before I went into hospital but as far as they were concerned the hysterectomy would fix things so none of them were worried. DH and I knew that cancer was a possibility, the cells were precancerous and changing rapidly but the kids (who were aged between 34 and 20) didn't know. I didn't tell them until afterwards.

Yes,dh was going through it over Xmas too and we found the same,not talking about it helped us get through Xmas and have a nice time.

I have two at university, same ages, also not keen on phone calls. I would wait to tell them once I knew the situation, i.e. what the diagnosis and treatment are. I don't like worrying people unnecessarily and they don't need to be burdened with 'what ifs'. It's easier to deal with 'known' issues than possibilities.

I hope nothing serious is found and all works out well for you x

I agree with just saying that you have an MRI for some health issues.

I was on the 2 week pathway last year and was absolutely shitting myself as I went to the Drs at 8.30am on a Friday and was at my appointment at the breast clinic by late Monday am, so obviously convinced myself I was already terminally ill. I didn’t tell DC and am glad I didn’t as all was totally fine, but it took a couple of weeks for that to be confirmed and I didn’t want anyone else (except DH) worrying all that time.

Funny how small things can’t trip you up, doesn’t it?
im sure the same has happened to you. Like it does to everyone.

Indeed @AfraidOfMonsters What else is MN for if not to check your thinking with a range of views sometimes?

You see, after nearly 30 years,I’m going the opposite way.

Im seeing my FIL who died from cancer because ‘it wasn’t that bad to go and disrupt a GP for that’.
I see my MIL who is dealing alone with severe health issues. Because you don’t talk about these things.
I see myself not being able to get support for my own health issues because you know, compassion fatigue/feeling like burden etc…. (Just read the reads on here around those subjects, it’s full of it).

Now I’m not advocating of going on and on about what’s going on for every single little problem.
For me it’s similar to the difference between the English ‘I’m not telling anyone about the pg until I’m over 3 months in case I miscarry’ and my own culture ‘of course I tell everyone as soon as I know! And if I end up having a miscarriage, at least, I’ll have people around me to support me’.

Yep.
And sometimes, MN views just make sense.
And other times, it has confirmed to me that my view, despite being at odds with MN ‘wisdom’ was right (for me).

I think what’s throwing me is that I have been the child/teen when my grand dad was diagnosed with cancer. No one told me then. Actually no one ever told me. I discovered he was dying by chance, over hearing a conversation

That’s completely different. There WAS a diagnosis. Then when they knew they didn’t tell you. Completely different to your situation where there could well be nothing wrong with you. IF it turns out there is, then you would tell them do you are not keeping it from them, as was the case with your grandfather.

I’d never tell my (adult) kids unless there was something wrong with me. Not at the stage where it could be any one of a number of possibilities ranging from nothing at all to serious!

You’re confusing two different things. People who never went to the doctor never got a diagnosis that’s completely different from your situation where you’re going to get a diagnosis then share it. Why would you want your nearest and dearest to suffer? Why would you want that? That’s just cruel. Wait till you’ve got a diagnosis then share it.

It’s often for attention. It’s messed up. There are unfortunately lots of people out there like it but I’m reassured to read that the vast majority on this thread wouldn’t behave like it and worry their children unnecessarily. The ones that do then wonder why their adult kids go low or no contact in future years.

Why would you want your nearest and dearest to suffer? Why would you want that? That’s just cruel. Wait till you’ve got a diagnosis then share it.

You see if my own parents were withholding them doing tests because they didn’t want me to suffer, I’d thought they’d lost their mind.
When my dad was diagnosed with cancer, I knew he was having a biopsy in the first place. I was also able to support them because they were really worried about it and I was much more pragmatic about it (see all the comments on this thread about how a 2 weeks pathway often means nothing).

I would have found it much harder to learn about the cancer wo the steps (here is a worry, here is a test, oh shit result isn’t what I’d hope for). And I’d have been gutted my parents didn’t trust me to be able to handle the potential news.

For you, probably not for your children though.

Shame you didn't post this one on AIBU OP

AIBU? Mumsnet collective reply 'yes you are, just hold your horses until the Drs have told you what is or isn't going on, then let your DC know'
OP I'm doing what I was going to do anyway regardless of all the opinions I have canvassed

I think it's interesting what you state here:
I see myself not being able to get support for my own health issues because you know, compassion fatigue/feeling like burden etc…
You said your partner and parents aren't a useful support for you for health problems. Are you hoping your DC will be different? Do you have friends or, if you have chronic problems. groups you could turn to instead who can offer you some support?

Like other posters I hope the scan turns out well for you.