How would you give this news?

[AfraidOfMonsters]

Yes I know it’s a bit of weird question but I’m second guessing myself!

Ive just been referred for an urgent MRI, on the two week pathway. Obviously cancer is high in my list of ‘possible’ issues.

I have two young adults at Uni (21 and 22yo). Both simply refuse to do phone calls. It’s only fur proper emergencies and life threatening stuff apparently.
Most of communication is through WhatsApp a couple of times a week.

I want to let them know about what’s going on. I don’t want them to worry unnecessarily. But at the same time, it would be better if they knew.
dc1 will be back for the Easter break on the day on the MRI.
dc2 will be away with his gf that week. I don’t want to put a shadow over that hols.

What do I do? Send a WhatsApp to each of them? Feels quite unpersonal.
Ring? They’ll think about the worst.
Something else?

Im fee.ing lost

Sorry for what you are going through, but why do they need to know? Could cause then a lot of worry for nothing. I would want to avoid putting that on my kids of possible. Wait until you have an actual outcome to share

You say 'But at the same time, it would be better if they knew." but why would it be better for them to know you are having the test (when everything is uncertain) than after you've had the test when you can let them know the outcome?

I appreciate you want to be honest with them and obviously you are best placed to know how well they would take the news their mum was having an MRI and whether they would take that in their stride or whether that might worry them in itself. Personally I would only tell my kids if I'd had a diagnosis not if I was worried something was wrong.

I'm team don't tell them until there's something to tell them too. Why do you want your DCs to worry about you having cancer when you haven't got a diagnosis yet?
Presumably if it is cancer you will get the news pretty quickly and they'll still be home for the Easter holidays so you can tell then face to face.

We've just been in this situation with Dh, absolutely don't tell them until you have results of MRI which could be a month away yet. That's a month of worrying hopefully for nothing.

But presumably if you did get bad news you would tell them so it isn’t the same.
They don’t need to know anything now, wait until there is something to tell them otherwise you may worry them for nothing. They don’t need to be stressing over this.

Tany was an actual diagnosis though. Most people who are on a 2w get good news. Why worry them when you know nothing?

I agree ,this is exactly what we did. That is very different to what the OPis worrying about where no one told her anything. You have nothing to tell at the moment OP, wait until you know what's what. I wish you all the best x

Please don't tell them. I've been on the other side of this in my twenties and it was hugely stressful and upsetting. There's literally no reason to worry them unnecessarily. If the MRI results aren't good then that's obviously very different and they should of course be told if you are seriously ill. But I really can't understand why you would want to tell them about the test and cause them so much worry when you don't know what's wrong yet.

Wishing you all the best.

I was in a very similar position last year, but with an abnormal finding on a routine mammogram. I did not tell my DCs (some of whom are living away and some at home) until I had a definitive diagnosis and knew what was going on. DH knew, and 3 of my oldest friends but nobody else, including my elderly parents. Everyone understood why I had waited to tell them and it significantly helped the DCs that I could say yes it's cancer but it is fully treatable.

I would wait to tell them until there's something to tell them. So I'd wait until the results of the mri and if there was anything found, that's when I'd tell them.

Sorry ,are you with their dad?

There isn't any news to tell as far as I'd be concerned, they can't do anything for you and they shouldn't be used as emotional support because your husband is useless, it could ruin their studies or create anxiety for (hopefully fingers crossed ) no reason.
Could you look into some counselling? It sounds like you feel unsupported in general.

No one is saying not to tell them after you get the results, just that there is no reason to tell them yet.

You have said that you don’t want support from them so it’s completely pointless to tell them.

Hopefully it will be something and nothing.

I found a lump. Didn't occur to me to burden my adult dc.. Or even my dh actually!!
Told them when 3 harmless cysts were found...

Say nothing until you actually have something to say. Why have everyone worried waiting for results that could be nothing?

This is what I'd go for. Group message to the pair of them. "I'm having an MRI next week, this is what they're worried about...."

They're young adults, not children, they don't need to be shielded from it. My parents tried to shield me from it when I was 15 and I was absolutely apoplectic when I found out (Not with my mum who had cancer, but my Dad definitely got the brunt of it)

Again your scenario is different... your parents knew about a condition. @AfraidOfMonsters hasn't got a diagnosis of anything yet and hopefully all may be clear.

The thing is dc1 WILL be at home when ill have the MRI.
dh will (hopefully) take me.

Not telling them at all means also lying as to why I’m going out late in the day.
It’s not going to work. I’m nearly housebound (other health stuff) and it’s on a Sunday. No excuses that would work really.

That’s different. You haven’t been diagnosed with anything and may not be, Tell them only if/when there is something to tell. There is no reason to worry them at this stage.

Yep

My mum told me when she had been diagnosed, so I knew before treatment etc (she's 15 years in remission now)

I suspect I would do that with my kids,

They didn't at first. I knew something was going on, something bad, and the people I was meant to trust most in the world we hiding it for me.

OPs kids are grown adults. They will want to know. She should be able to talk to them, lean on them, even if only a little bit. It absolutely boggles my mind that anyone would advise not telling them.

Oh god, that's sad that you say he won't support you xxx do you have any sisters or close friends

That’s a really weird idea to me to think you’d burden your iwn dh with a lump tbh….

Say nothing until there is something to tell. There may not be.