How would you give this news?

[AfraidOfMonsters]

Yes I know it’s a bit of weird question but I’m second guessing myself!

Ive just been referred for an urgent MRI, on the two week pathway. Obviously cancer is high in my list of ‘possible’ issues.

I have two young adults at Uni (21 and 22yo). Both simply refuse to do phone calls. It’s only fur proper emergencies and life threatening stuff apparently.
Most of communication is through WhatsApp a couple of times a week.

I want to let them know about what’s going on. I don’t want them to worry unnecessarily. But at the same time, it would be better if they knew.
dc1 will be back for the Easter break on the day on the MRI.
dc2 will be away with his gf that week. I don’t want to put a shadow over that hols.

What do I do? Send a WhatsApp to each of them? Feels quite unpersonal.
Ring? They’ll think about the worst.
Something else?

Im fee.ing lost

I have a mother like this who also seeks attention. I’d never do it to my own children.

Another one saying there is no need to tell your children until there is something to tell OP. 2 week referrals are common and often aren’t anything to be concerned about so there may well be nothing to tell. Best wishes.

Sorry but why would you say anything? It’s not fair to them. You’re basically only able to tell half a story. Why put that on them. Sorry, just feels selfish. But I hope the mri goes ok.

I have one DC still at Uni and have been on 2WW twice in the last year. Both times no cancer diagnosis. I didn't tell them at all, absolutely no need to know. I do need to tell them about a diagnosis I did get as it likely runs in the family but I will wait until Easter holidays, no hurry at all & I will mention at an appropriate moment as a 'by the way'.

Oh and I wouldn't lie about where I was the day, I would just say I had a medical appointment. (Not especially unusual for me!).

Now if there is something to share (a cancer diagnosis), I would think carefully about how and when I shared (rather than leave it to overhearing as you did) but hopefully you will not actually get to that stage so not worth worrying about now.

They’re adults. It’s your news to share. When do you want them to find out, and how?

There’s never a good time for bad news. But you also don’t yet have anything to tell them. Given their preferred method is WhatsApp, could you send them a group message? I feel as though it’s easier for family if you’re taken on the journey with the person. Rather than having to process lots of new scary info in one go.

Could you say something like - boys, I wanted to share with you that I went to the GP on x day because I have [found a lump/ x symptom]. The GP isn’t happy either, and I have an MRI booked on [date]. Please give me a call when you get a chance, I’m naturally worried and I’d love to have a proper catch up.

She definitely shouldn’t do that. Awful.

I had to have a mammogram and whilst there a biopsy. I had 2 at uni at that stage, I didn’t tell either of them as until there’s something to tell them I really don’t see the point. I personally think this is the best way. I got the all clear btw. I truly hope you get the all clear too.

Don't tell them anything - yet. At this stage, they don't need to know.
If you get an unwelcome diagnosis, take a few days to compose yourself, gather info etc, and then tell them.

Good Lord, don't do this!

I’m so sorry I didn't read the entire thread and didn’t see you were mostly housebound. The MRI for a routine check up is a very good idea. Again, I really hope you get the all clear.

Fucking hell, why would anyone say that to their children? Terrible advice.

Neither of her children do phone calls, and OP has an important message they want to convey. How would you communicate with them?

The message is brief, factual, and asks them to phone her when they are able to.
Just because that might not be the medium you would use, it doesn’t mean it’s not suitable for others. OP states they prefer messages.

It’s is over dramatic to say ‘the GP isn’t happy‘ and ‘I’m naturally worried’. It’s not the actions of a mother that doesn’t want to worry their children unnecessarily.

There is no reason to say anything at the moment as there is nothing to tell. I don’t know any good parent that would send the sort of message you suggest. My attention seeking mother on the other hand....

Well not like that 👆

She said she didn't want to ruin her DS's holiday but I'm pretty sure that message would do it!

The message you suggested isn't purely factual, it uses emotive language 'I’m naturally worried" & "The GP isn’t happy."

I've been on 3 x 2 week pathways - none of them resulted in a cancer diagnosis. The last two I couldn't even tell my DH as he had enough on his plate (his DSis terminally ill and parents with Alzheimer's). So glad I didn't pile more stress on to him.

Wait until you have something to tell them. Right now it's just further tests.

I was recently on the 2-week pathway and only told one person. By telling people, you make them worry when the chances are there’s nothing to worry about.

@VictoriusViking
The OP might not be worried. I have (incorrectly?) assumed that they are.
But if they are worried, then despite worry being an emotion, it is a fact that OP is feeling it and it is ok to communicate that with loved ones. And in a way that works for their family. (Again they don’t like phone calls). The GP clearly is not happy, nobody gets referred on a 2 week pathway for nothing.

The message I typed was a suggestion based on the way OP indicated their family prefer to communicate. I didn’t say you must do x. It was a suggestion, which can be ignored. It is no wonder so many people suffer in silence with their mental health when they’re going through things in life, when apparently it’s best to say nothing and get on with it. Such a horrible (typically British) attitude to take. It is ok for people to feel emotions about referrals that turn out to be nothing. It’s not creating drama or being emotionally manipulative as someone else suggested. It’s just being vulnerable around people you feel safe with.

Op has said she doesn’t want to worry her children and doesn’t want to ruin the holiday. Hearing your mum say a doctor is worried, which is unnecessary as lots of 2 week referrals turn out to be nothing, and hearing that your mum is worried, is quite likely to worry her children and ruin their holiday, wouldn’t you think, the very thing she doesn’t want to do.

I also wouldn’t tell anyone, wait until you know what’s going on and then if it is bad news you will be able to tell them the treatment plan.
saying you’re going for a scan is just going to cause them to worry which you say you don’t want them to do.

If its a 'horribly British' attitude not to unduly worry your children over something that might well turn out to be nothing when there's nothing the DC can do about it in the intervening period other than worry themselves while potentially spoiling their holiday and stressing them at Uni then I'm more than happy to be British.

I have had several cancer scares two week rule and recent MRI fortunately turned out to be ok.

Say nothing until you have MRI results.

I would also wait and see what the outcome is first.

Don’t put it on their shoulders beforehand, the only thing it will cause them is a lot of stress.

Wishing you lots of luck.

The message I typed was a suggestion based on the way OP indicated their family prefer to communicate.

It took me some time to understand why so many messages were a blanket ‘don’t tell them’ when I knew it really wasn’t sitting well for me.
But that is exactly that. That’s not how we communicate. That’s not how I communicate. Not being British probably has something to do with it. The ‘Keep calm and keep going’ is still very foreign to me lol

Having said that, yes I will tell the dcs.
Face to face when I see them.
I’m probably not going to tell them it’s a 2 weeks pathway. But I will tell them about the MRI and why I’m getting it. Just like my GP presented it me ‘we just want to check what’s going on’.
Im actually not worried about cancer. I sincerely don’t think it’s that. I just think there is something else going on that might be a real pain too
And if one of them wants to ask questions, then I’ll answer to the best my knowledge so far.

I find it fascinating that so many posters think talking about having tests etc… is just attention seeking, wanting a reaction etc…. It’s so far away from my own experience of talking about those things very factually and wo being that emotional about it.

I'd be honest and ideally tell them face to face and both at the same time but it doesn't sound like that's an option. Actually I had this situation last year (DC20 at uni and DC22 at home). I WhatsApped DC20 and sat down DC22 and told them after I'd got the MRI results. Fortunately it was a benign tumour and the operation was successful.

I think it is very cruel to tell them before you have results. What does it achieve? Does it benefit them, or does it give them two weeks of concern that you could have spared them?