Why are so many women living with crap partners?

[Mischance]

I know that Mumsnet is not representative of women in general, and that people are more likely to post if they have problems than if all is hunky dory, but ........ it is so sad to see women living their lives with such unpleasant men as if having a man in your life is more important than happiness and contentment.

In so many of these posts it is as if the women really do not think they matter, and will put up with any old rubbish in order to hang on to a man. They "really love" someone who even they can see is objectively a waster. And both they and their children suffer.

Do our schools need to be teaching girls that they matter in their own right; actively talking about the single life and the advantages/disadvantages of this, boosting their self esteem at every opportunity so they do not fall into this grim trap?

I know that there are lots of great men out there and lots of happy partnerships, and also relationships that have their ups and downs whilst being basically sound, but women need the tools to proceed in life independently rather than be sucked into these miserable relationships.

Who can afford a house on one salary nowadays?

Money is 1 huge reason people settle.

I think it’s often financial.

Money is usually the simple reason

Religion/culture too

It’s not something which should be covered by teachers - that’s not their job. Parents should be showing the basis for behaviour for their DC’s and DD’s.

There are so many threads on Mn where the woman ends up putting her career opportunities second and does everything in the home. Why????

Because there aren't enough good men to go round and they think settling for a crap one is preferable to being single. They're wrong but it reflects the value society puts on being coupled up.

It shouldn’t be - women have the same opportunities as men to get a good education and career.

I’ve split with a number of good catches on paper that weren’t any use. I’d rather be single. But it’s hard. And expensive. But I’d still rather be in my own than with a controlling lazy guy that wants sex when he wants it and I’ve to put out in command. Nope.

But in many sectors, they will still be at a disadvantage compared to men. The gender pay gap is very real.

If women choose to have children, they often become the main caregiver and their career/earning potential is compromised. It isn’t equal and it should be.

As well as the excellent reasons already provided by others:

Sometimes the shitty behaviour creeps up on you and you're desperately clinging on to how things used to be. You think he's going through a hard time, is stressed, just needs time to snap out of it etc etc.

The problem is that if the mother has settled, she is less likely to be in a position to teach her daughter differently.

schools can’t be expected to teach all the life skills someone needs, but who else can the daughter learn from?

No you teach domestic skills and respect at home.

If you are going to teach girls not to put up with this arrangement you need to teach boys household chores.

My youngster (teen male) had to do the table”s washing up after food tech the other week, “all of it why?” “No one else knew how to wash up! (Boys and girls) I was generous and suggested they most likely all had dishwashers at home, which might be true.

But the best place to teach domestic work is work that needs doing and us equal to paid work is at home .

It is not for young women to train men that is his parent’s job or his job when he leaves home and has to figure it out.

There was a long time observation of happiness and success early indicators, reading for pleasure and children who do chores.

In an ideal world the useless lumps full of entitled attitude will be bred out of existence, left on the undusted shelf! We can but hope!

Don’t have children until financially stable and with enough years of your career behind you that a year’s maternity leave will have less of an impact.

True, but schools can teach societal values.

It boggles the mind @Mischance .

This is not a job for teachers, but a job for the family.

My grandmother was widowed with 4 children and she raised them well on her own, so when she remarried later in life and that husband was no good, she left him without a backward glance.
Her example and the wisdom she's passed down to us has served us very well.

Being single is expensive, but I hate anything that disrupts my peace. I just don't have the energy for misery.
My life would be much different if I'd stayed with my ex, but I don't have the temperament for enduring foolishness.

And don’t move in with a man unless he has lived out of mummy and daddy’s shadow and does his own washing, cleaning, cooking, shopping, pays bills.

It's not quite as simple as that, though. If we're talking about a simple set up of two adults, it makes sense. But once a couple has had children, the woman is usually disadvantaged due to taking time off for maternity and/or covering childcare. Covering bills as a single parent is an entirely different ballgame.

(People will ask "why not choose a better partner to procreate with?", but many issues don't arise until a woman is either pregnant or has had the child(ren), and crystal balls aren't real...)

Because so many men think they don't have to do any housework. You don't always know which they are until you have kids. Then divorce is expensive and complicated so unless they're terrible you're pretty stuck. Add to that the fact society thinks it's normal for women to do 80% of chores and there you go.

Plus men, and this is a harder one, need to stop thinking men are great if they talk about their women like domestic servants “ah the misses will have made tea”. “Or I leave that to the misses”

I think many people, women and men, are afraid of being single, to which financial reasons add to that. For many single people, especially younger people, the alternative is a house share with people who may be incompatible with your lifestyle, or remaining with parents.

Abusers suck you in and keep you there. It's a whole thing @Mischance. Love bombing, trauma bonding, psychological abuse destroys self esteem and confidence, financial abuse removes autonomy, physical abuse makes you live in fear etc.

When this happens to you, and you are told you are worthless, you don't deserve anything, you'll never manage on your own, your kids will be taken from you, you are fortunate that your abuser looks after you as no one else would and so on, that's why some stay. It fucks with your head and you are so beaten down, depressed and frightened, you can't see any other way.

I disagree and think it should be discussed within educational settings. - Particularly that once women have kids they are also often financially disadvantaged/vulnerable.

From reading MN, it seems to be mainly due to money.

Housing is a big one. With a man, you can buy a nice house in a decent area. On your own, you're probably going to be stuck renting for the rest of your life. Or if you do manage to buy, it will be much smaller and in a crappy area with high crime and crap schools.

Some of it is desperation to have children so they find any man with a stable job who seems "alright". They marry, have kids and then realise he's a dickhead. By that point, they're trapped. They don't want to leave because they'd have to leave their nice house in their nice community, the kids would have to change schools, they'd have to rent in a less desirable area, they'd have to work full time and still wouldn't earn enough to have a decent quality of life.

Some of it is due to women being conditioned to believe men are better, more worthy, more valuable, and that it is a woman's duty to serve them and obey them. This is something I've really noticed on a lot of MN threads. It's never said outright but it's pretty clear on most threads.

There are women in appalling relationships. They post describing how truly awful their husband is and then say "but he's a great father and provider".

There was someone on here a few weeks ago who has been cleaning up her able bodied husband's piss off the bathroom floor for years. Suggestions from other MN were to toilet train him like a little boy. Because that's clearly the woman's job to work out how to fix while golden balls pisses all over the place.

Someone else posted saying she's been scurrying behind her husband for 17 YEARS because he will not walk beside her and walks far in front of her at all times. He never looks back, she just has to keep rushing to keep up.

The general message I've got from MN is that men are fucking awful. It's really affected how I see men which tells me I need to step away from the Internet! Women is happy relationships with lovely men don't post on MN so it's very skewed to the bad experiences. I guess that makes women think their shitty husband is normal because so many other women are posting about similar experiences.

The woman doesn’t have to be disadvantaged after having children. Childcare costs and responsibilities are joint. Flexible working arrangements are available to both as is taking time off when they are ill, school events and holidays.
Too many women believe that they are better at looking after children and the fathers then have an excuse for not getting involved.

Its the boiled frog analogy.
My abusive / crap ex didnt start this crappiness and abuse until I had already moved in with him. Id moved jobs / towns so was more dependent.