Why are so many women living with crap partners?

[Mischance]

I know that Mumsnet is not representative of women in general, and that people are more likely to post if they have problems than if all is hunky dory, but ........ it is so sad to see women living their lives with such unpleasant men as if having a man in your life is more important than happiness and contentment.

In so many of these posts it is as if the women really do not think they matter, and will put up with any old rubbish in order to hang on to a man. They "really love" someone who even they can see is objectively a waster. And both they and their children suffer.

Do our schools need to be teaching girls that they matter in their own right; actively talking about the single life and the advantages/disadvantages of this, boosting their self esteem at every opportunity so they do not fall into this grim trap?

I know that there are lots of great men out there and lots of happy partnerships, and also relationships that have their ups and downs whilst being basically sound, but women need the tools to proceed in life independently rather than be sucked into these miserable relationships.

We often become stay at home mums , especially when there are special needs kids involved. A lot feel trapped by it all. Not enough support.

This is so true. I didn't notice issues with my husband until we had kids. I don't know why , maybe it's a " loved up thing" at first , I was also in survival mode from a troubled home life with a crappy mother who didn't nurture me.

I will say he is kind but he doesn't function as a mature adult male and it's infuriating unfortunately. Its caused me no end of stress being married to this man. I am one of the stuck ones though.

Ah. I actually can't drive. That's interesting.

Is this true though? You wanna see the sizes of houses in America they consider us Brits to live in rabbit hutches.
A lot of the ladies I know stuck living with assholes if they left Mr ass they would only be able to live in a house share (usually with druggies) or studio flat which isn't ideal if they have children or pets. Cue Mr ass getting custody because he has more space for the kids.

It's probably because single women are pitied and told, "You'll find someone one day!" and how they will never, ever manage all by themselves. Look at the early role models of little girls... fairy tale princesses always need a handsome prince to rescue them.

Society isn't set up to deal with single adults. Religion, family expectations and so on dictate that we're all supposed to be nicely coupled off. We're supposed to put up with everything for the sake of children/a respectable veneer/a nice house/not living with our parents in our 30s+.

Hats off to those of you with genuinely happy marriages. Unfortunately, I like being single far too much to put up with anybody else! 😁

Dream on. The opportunities for women might be there in theory, but in practice it doesn't happen that way.

Are men's careers put on hold for years when they have kids? How many men are obliged to choose part-time jobs paying shit wages because they have to combine work with childcare? Do employers promote men and women equally, irrespective of whether they are of reproductive age? Do employers look at male job applicants and wonder whether they are going to go off on paternity leave in a year or two? Do men find their career progression grinds to a halt when they have a baby? What is the proportion of male vs female lone parents? How many men are lone parents and have sole responsibility for being both breadwinner and carer for young children and have to juggle the two somehow?

My experience is that I didn't realise I was attracted to 'crap partners' because I came from a family where my dad was either absent or screaming in fights with my mum.

All my family relationships where like this, so that was my blueprint.

Men in my family were absent or had traditional roles of working out of the home and then go to the pub.

Also I grew up with the late 90s/2000s with the romcom narrative of 'getting chosen' 'love hurts' and love conquers all.

Inevitably I met 'stoic' emotional unavailable men (like my dad) to 'win over'

I was 35 with two children before I realised I was codependent and have an attachment wound that made me stuck around too long.

How do we solve it, teach boundaries and communication skills, both expressing your needs and respecting others.

Teach children that being financially dependent on another adult can lead to difficulty

Society stops using terms such as 'broken homes'

Leaving a marriage when you have kids and nowhere to go is hard. If you can't afford the house, where do you go? Rented accommodation is as expensive as a mortgage and if you've got a couple of kids you can't live in a houseshare; there aren't enough houses to rent, you can't move away from the kids' school, the ex will vanish into the ether and not pay a penny so you'll be stuck on your own salary having to pay for before and after school care just so you can get to work on time. The kids have to give up their hobbies and groups because you can't get them there, you drive a tatty old car and pray every year that it will pass the MOT or nobody can go anywhere. You eat the cheapest of the cheap and try not to think about UPFs or any of the other things people make you feel guilty about.

So sometimes you just suck it up and stay.

A woman called off her wedding yesterday (to mixed opinions) - good for her. 👏

fear of not seeing your small children every day

finances. Gender pay gap, cost of living

mental health issues/ depression in men as an excuse for abusive behaviour

groeing up in an abusive household and history repeating itself

I think it clear from mn posts that men also can’t afford to live alone in lots of cases so end up either starting with women they openly dislike or move in with their parents/in with a new partner.

I think cheaper rents would result in more people splitting up earlier on when they find themselves in toxic relationships

My experience is that I didn't realise I was attracted to 'crap partners' because I came from a family where my dad was either absent or screaming in fights with my mum. All my family relationships where like this, so that was my blueprint.

This is why I think school has a role to play.

I am sorry that you had such a difficult time as a child.

I do agree there needs to be some basic information shared with young women to help them not get into these situations in the first place. I agree if you don’t live in public transport Mecca you need to prioritise being able to drive and having enough money to run a car.

I think as well being a bit harder. I read about a woman on here recently who was stuck in an abusive relationship because she had a dog and couldn’t find a rental that would take or be suitable for a dog and I did think, it’s just a dog it’s not worth your life. I love animals but you have to be willing to put yourself first, if you’re always second to everybody and everything you’re going to end up trapped in these situations.

I had to leave education at 16, and get my own flat. Was a disaster, but that's what having no real encouragement and support from family creates. Then before we know it we have kids and so many responsibilities that we end up over worked and stressed ( can't just be me that feels that way)

Because there aren't enough decent men to go round.
The men are still learning awful behaviour from their own toxic parents.
Because the women see their parents marriage muddling through like it and they think that's the best they'll get. An acquaintance is engaged to a lazy sexist pig of a man but her parents seem very old fashioned so it's all she knows. It's really sad.
And, yes, finances play a part too. It's very hard to afford a house on one salary and easy to get stuck.

I know two people in decent, equal, relationships. The rest are all iffy to awful.

🙄 Awwwwwww da poor menz.

Why not go and start a thread about 'crap' women, and the poor menz that are having to suffer them. Instead of derailing this one. This thread is about crap MEN, not crap women. Take your whatabboutery elsewhere.

This is pretty much it in a nutshell.

I’m with you! It didn’t leave much time for education or finance for education.

I would hope it’s easier nowadays but I don’t know if that is really the case.

I am eternally grateful for the family we created though. They won’t have the same experience I did. ☺️

This has absolutely nothing to do with schools it starts in the home. If your father didn't treat your mother respectfully and kindly then that's what you will be used to and you will be more likely to put up crap behaviour from your partner.
If the women in your life put up with rubbish men then you will know no different and will have low expectations. How many times have we read posts on here from women with DC who are engaged but their partner doesn't want to get married. Or even more bizarrely when they already have children and a house but the man says "they don't feel ready for marriage " .
My own mother would have pointed out the red flags to me when I was getting myself into that situation in the first place.

I'm always gobsmacked at posts where posters are worried about finances and the partner has a good income but the poster has to exist on a much smaller amount of money and can't make ends meet. Again this is alien to me because it's not how I was raised and it's not about the amount of income coming into the home as I was brought up in a very low income family where my father was often out of work but finances were a joint thing and I always knew my parents were a team.

Fab post! You go gurrrrl! 😃

Thing is, I know a single bloke with a good job and a deposit, who cannot get a mortgage to live in the area his good job is in by himself.

Unless a single person has a three figure salary coming in, buying a house in a decent area on your own is nigh on impossible. Then factor in the single woman living in a less desirable area on their own, takes away some of the drive for them to do it independently.

I have a daughter and will be raising her to know single is better than couples up and treated like shit. But I can understand the finances being a driving force for some.

Many men don't show their true colours until kids are thrown into the mix. And yes, women can, and do leave, but that often requires support which not everyone has.

When I left xh my dps were brilliant, financially and emotionally. So whilst it was tough, it was made lots easier by the support I had. I've never doubted my decision because the people around me never did.

I'm about to buy a house, I could've bought a much better one if I'd stayed with xh but I can't wait to make my little house a real home for me and my dds. Luckily I live in the NE, houses are affordable on one salary, unlike many areas

The "fairy tales" are getting better (see Moana, Brave etc) at shifting the narrative. But it's also what a lot of kids see as they're growing up. DH and I have one of those decent, equal, happy relationships. But both of us have very strong mothers and fathers who absolutely adore their wives and love the fact they're strong and wouldn't put up with rubbish.

Before I met DH I had a few relationships where the man was really threatened by the fact I wouldn't put up with any poor treatment (a theme that runs through my life, not just from men I'm attached to). DH likes the fact I'm strong and independent and know my own mind. But he's also not threatened by it because he saw that in his mother so it's totally normal to him. He also loved the fact that we got married because we wanted to, not because either of us thought we should. We did it after being together much longer than average. I had always said I'd rather be alone than get married for the sake of it . Had DD later than average. Just when we were ready.

We need to be showing kids that's what they should be looking for. Someone that is an equal partner, or else being independent enough to live life on their own, doing it their own way. And that either is absolutely fine.

Well aren’t you lucky that you grew up with parents like that. Not everyone does, don’t take it for granted