Why are so many women living with crap partners?

[Mischance]

I know that Mumsnet is not representative of women in general, and that people are more likely to post if they have problems than if all is hunky dory, but ........ it is so sad to see women living their lives with such unpleasant men as if having a man in your life is more important than happiness and contentment.

In so many of these posts it is as if the women really do not think they matter, and will put up with any old rubbish in order to hang on to a man. They "really love" someone who even they can see is objectively a waster. And both they and their children suffer.

Do our schools need to be teaching girls that they matter in their own right; actively talking about the single life and the advantages/disadvantages of this, boosting their self esteem at every opportunity so they do not fall into this grim trap?

I know that there are lots of great men out there and lots of happy partnerships, and also relationships that have their ups and downs whilst being basically sound, but women need the tools to proceed in life independently rather than be sucked into these miserable relationships.

When we had DD I was the higher earner. It still made more sense both financially (when factoring in childcare costs) and logistically (flexibility for pick up, sick child, etc) for me to go part time rather than DH. I'm no longer the higher earner, even full time but that's cos DH did what he was able to make steps forward in his role quickly to make us more comfortable financially and get himself a better level of flexibility.

However I still earn plenty for myself even part time, I could support myself and DD if necessary, even if I had to go back full time AND I have opportunities to earn more further down the line, if that's what I / we decide is the right thing for our family.

I'm also aware I'm very lucky to have one of the decent men out there, who would have fully supported me going back full time if I had felt it best for me and / or our family.

This 100. I am long term single and can’t imagine bring with a parasite or worse, but being single has challenges too. Society still considers you less as well.

Sadly unrealistic.
There's a limited pool of high paying jobs, not everyone can be a lawyer or we'd be oversaturated with lawyers and it wouldn't pay as much.

Because it’s nearly impossible to run a house on a single salary, and even harder to find an affordable rental, and I don’t fancy living in a HMO at my age.

Having been through one marriage and divorce and then giving up a rental to move in with a long term partner (yes, I realise my life choices have been poor) I’d prefer to stay where I am than move in with a bunch of strangers.

I’m starting to realise how many of my aunties (and my mum) just “put up & shut up” all of them were SAHM (norm for their generation). Boomers, I suppose. Husbands with good pensions, a nice home, 2 cars. Holidays. All looks rosy in the garden…

And my now my cousns, who are splitting with their wives… The wives have had enough. My aunties are defending their darling sons. Where do live, it’s a patriarchal society. My dad is king in our house. Divorce is an option now. But still frowned upon.

I don’t think it’s so much that they have to have a man in their lives. More that, if it’s not a really abusive relationship, it’s not bad enough to go through the stress of leaving/ living on less money.

Yes not everyone can be a high paid lawyer but if a woman can then she should- she shouldn’t be encouraged into lower paid and allegedly more family friendly work like teaching or childcare instead. Where’s Xenia when you need her 😁

My work have equalised paternity and you have never seen so many highly paid and very important men disappear - there’s more men on their 100% paid pat leave than there are women on mat leave. It’s bullshit women have to take the hit - you can’t see men for dust if they’re going to be paid properly for leave. No one gives a shit when a male senior leader is on a parent day because their child is ill - but he’s on it because he’s being paid. If they were unpaid they’d all be at work doing their very important jobs whilst the mother of their child was being unpaid to care. I wish women collectively would wake up and see that we are being exploited for free labour both in and out the home. Men always benefit whilst acting like they’re doing you a massive favour by ‘letting’ you stay at home or ‘letting’ you work part time so you can do 100% of the home and childcare (and also not get any spends or time to yourself if mn is representative). It makes it so much harder to spot abuse early when we’re swimming in low level exploitation anyway.

As a divorced mum of one, I can say staying together for the money held appeal for me. Also, childcare. I live in London in the former marital home (I'm selling it, and exH will get his share) and, unless I win the Omaze London House, I'll be moving out of the city, because I simply can't afford to stay. I am on a bloody good wage and even on that, with help on housing costs from exH (he doesn't live there anymore) I struggle.

I also had the most ridiculous role-models in my parents, who have been married nearly 52 years, not always happily, but it works for them. I thought I'd be a failure if I didn't try & keep my marriage, no matter what cost. It was wrong of me to think that way.

I also had the worst self-esteem. Still do, really. But I'm not desperate to get into another relationship now.

Because women are expected to be all things to all people

and parenting(motherhood) has been devalued
by society
so women just end up doing it all
it’s actually very sad